Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Dhanjot, Nov 24, 2009.

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  1. Dhanjot

    Dhanjot Well-Known Member

    Hi everybody, I'm new here and would just like to introduce myself. Yes, I am considering suicide. I really don't want to die, but the despair is just too great. I know it's possible that things could get better, but I honestly doubt that they ever will. By the way, my reasons are entirely financial.

    I've called those hotlines on and off over the last few years, and they just suggest to get counseling. I'm open to that but none of them are free so it would only be making matters worse.

    The main thing holding me back is that I have a daughter. The other thing is that all of the possible methods are pretty frightening to me, and I'm afraid that I wouldn't be successful. But I am coming to the realization that go for it anyway.

    For whatever it's worth, I really don't necessarily see that ending my life would be wrong or a bad thing, despite what all the other sites say. Seriously, what is the point of living in misery? And it's not that I'm not grateful for having lived already, I am.

    Anyways, I really don't see any good alternative. Continuing on like this doesn't appeal to me at all. I could do something to cause me to have to go to prison for the rest of my life, but I certainly don't want to hurt anybody else, and that kind of life doesn't appeal to me at all, either. I wish I could spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital, but I'm certain that wouldn't be possible.

    I guess I'm basically stuck. The only thing I can do is sit here and read about suicide all day. Oh one other thing.. I probably am clinically depressed but even if so, getting treated for that would not change my financial situation. Yes, the more I think about this the more I'm coming to the conclusion that this would be a logical and brave solution. Sometimes when I feel convinced that I will have to do it, I actually feel happy and a sense of relief.

    Anyway, thanks for reading.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Dhanjot, and welcome to SF :hug:

    It sounds like you're in a bit of a tough spot (a bit of understatement, I'm sure!). I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well at the moment.

    You note that your situation is "financial" in nature, but don't say if it's related to lack of work, the economy, debts...Regardless, to deal with any of that, we need to be feeling as well as possible. You say that "getting treated for [depression] would not change my financial situation." I agree that it might not fix the financial problem itself, but getting treatment for depression can give us a new perspective on life in general, which can help us open new doors to improved financial circumstances. When we don't feel well physically, we don't see all the options we have. The same is true when we don't feel well mentally/emotionally. And depression really has a way of making see everything in a negative light. There are other options, so try not to let the depression make you feel they won't work.

    I don't know where you live so I can't suggest much in the way of finding free or inexpensive therapy. If you are a student, a lot of colleges and unis have student counseling available. Sometimes churches or other religious affiliations offer counseling to members of their congregation. There may be social services in your area that offer counseling on a sliding fee scale - so people pay what they can afford. I'm just throwing out some ideas for you to think about.

    In the meantime, I hope you keep posting here. Venting and getting things off our mind can be a great start in itself, and you'll find a lot of supportive people at SF.

    Please don't do anything rash. We don't make our best decisions when we are emotionally charged - so suicide really isn't a "logical" option. I think you're hurting a lot...and you owe it to yourself to explore other ways of getting through this.

  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. Keep posting, it will help you get some perspective.

  4. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    how are you
    welcome to sf
    im glad that you have motivation like Dughter...and you are very understanding person...I know moeny can be frustrating & its normal to get depressed cos of it....I just advice to get help from any where...here...books about deprssion...and so on...hope you feel better soon
  5. Dhanjot

    Dhanjot Well-Known Member

    Hi Acy and Chargette,

    Thanks for your posts. My financial problems are due to me being self-employed, and I'm doing really awful. As a matter of fact, I've lost $900 more since my first post an hour ago. Poof. $900 gone forever. I'm literally trembling with pain because of it.

    I suppose treatment for depression might help me open new doors, but nothing that would be worth it to me. I'm 48 years old and I really don't have any marketable skills to get a real job, and I've put too much blood and sweat into what I'm doing that it really would devastate me psychologically to call it quits. What can I do, get a job a McDonalds? That's why the alternatives are really hopeless. No way am I going to endure such a life.

    If I do end it all, I won't just do it impulsively, but what I'm going to do now is start getting my account numbers and things ready to give to my daughter... Might as well get that stuff out of the way, but I barely even have enough energy to do that.

    Btw, I live in Miami.

    Thanks again.
  6. Dhanjot

    Dhanjot Well-Known Member

    Thanks Bubblin Girl,

    Yeah, maybe feeling better would be a good thing, but I really don't think that would be as logical as ending it in my situation. Some problems are just to great to ever really recover from.
  7. Dhanjot

    Dhanjot Well-Known Member

    This is really frustrating. I've called all of the numerous referrals given to me from the suicide hotlines, and none of them are free and the low cost ones aren't really low at all. So I'm still right where I started. Feeling suicidal, and wanting to get help, but there is none. I guess that's kind of a validation of what I want to do.

    Most of the affairs are now in order, just need to talk with a couple people about adopting my bunnies.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    First let me welcome you to the forum. I am glad you are reaching out and have the desire to seek help. The fact that you say you don't really want to die is reason enough for you to fight to live. I understand that you would feel psycholgically devestated should you go another direction besides your self employment, but where are you now? You are ready to end your life. Why not try some other way of trying to become financially solvent. So what if it means working at McDonalds? You are not in a good place emotionally anyway. There are always options and it seems you have decided to give up rather than seek them out. You have a daughter. She needs you. Her age does not matter. The loss of you would devestate her. Please don't give up. :hug:
  9. Dhanjot

    Dhanjot Well-Known Member

    Hi Gentlelady,

    Thanks for your welcome and for the encouragement. i guess the reasons I could never stoop so low as to working at McDonalds is because being 48 years old, I just couldn't handle the utter humiliation, and also, that would mean that the essence of who I am would be as good as dead anyway... My hopes and dreams would be completely dead. I guess that's really what this is all about now. I already am dead but the body still lives. How can that ever be reconciled?

    I did try to get help, but the only answers I got either cost a hundred dollars an hour - which is impossible and would make things worse even if I could stopping eating to pay for it, and the other answer I was getting is that i should call the police to take me to the hospital. But for what? To bill me a couple thousand dollars for having a doctor tell me to go find help for a hundred dollars an hour?

    My daughter is really the only reason i'm hesitating. On oanother occasion, I tried to explain to her that I wanted to end my life, and she responded by running into the kitching and started to drink ammonia, she said she couldn't live without her dad. So yes, this is definately a problem. Another problem.

    All I want is to end the endless pain, but as the years go by, and I continue to hear how this is tempoary and that things will get better, the pain is unrelenting and things have not gotten better, they've gotten worse. So why do I have to continue to be miserable solely because others say so?

    Thanks again, hope all is well :)
  10. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I really hope you make it through these feelings for you and your daughter, from what you said she really cares about you and needs you there.. It sounds like a very difficult situation but please don't give up fighting. If you are against working at McDonald's I'm sure there are other jobs you could apply for. Anytime you want to talk feel free to PM me, my dad is around the same age as you and if I lost him it would crush me, so I'd really like to help. :hug:
  11. Dhanjot

    Dhanjot Well-Known Member

    Hi Mel, thank you very much for your concern. I would indeed like your help. I'm actually feeling a little better now (for the time being) so yeah, I am now planning to try to get through this.. not sure what's going to happen, but will try to be optomistic at least. Thanks again, and I'll look forward to talking with you more :)
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :welcome: to SF Dhanjot :shake:
  13. kammy

    kammy Banned Member

    Hi Folks ,
    This is Kammy, I finished my studies this
    year itself. I am glad to introduce myself
    in this site. Please to meet all other members.
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