Hello

[Ithinktoomuch]

New Here. I'm 23 years old and I am a very depressed person. I have never been diagnosed with anything but am pretty sure I have been depressed since I was a child.

I've had a lot of things happen to me in my life. I know that I am a good and sweet person who only wants to do the best and only wants the best but for some reason, life keeps knocking me down.


My father was in and out of jail all of my life.
My mother was an unemployed single mother of 3 children.
We were very poor. I stayed hungry.
Children made fun of me and the clothes that I wore.
I kept my head on my desk in school.
I did not talk to other children in school.
My father was an abusive alcoholic when he was home.
My father died of liver failure when I was 11.


I was molested by a family member.
My mother suffered from major depression and anxiety.
My mother moved a man in when I was 15.
He overdosed on cocaine when I was 16.
My mother died (when I was 17) of an anyurism.

I had a baby when I was barely 18. The child's father is now trying to get custody of him. I feel like he is winning although I do have an attorney. He has family to support his every move. I have nothing. I suffer from aniexity too. I am afraid to drive. That bothers me a whole lot. I dropped out of high school when i was 16 (Mother didnt care.) and got a job to help pay bills.


I constantly feel like things are being taken from me. Some days I am ok and other days I am ready to scream, break down and cry (OR I do cry), or think about committing suicide.

I am a sweet girl. I love people, children and animals. I want to get better so that I can help people like me. It's not fair to grow up in a household like I did. It's not fair when bad things happen to good people and it happens so fast that you have no chance to react or respond to it. We need to find some sort of cure for Depression and anixiety. Something that doesn't just help us Cope with our problem. We need something to rid of it for good. Good people should not have bad things happen to them. But they do happen. I wish there were a way to fix the damage done.

The pain is usually so deep when we finally get help, that its so difficult to make things better again. What if we could figure out some sort of way? I'm tired of thinking I am Shit when I know that I am a good person.

 

[Ithinktoomuch]

Did I post too much on my Intro? I didn't mean to just spill everything like that. I just needed to vent.

 

[jnine]

Hello Ithinktoomuch,

Welcome and i'm pleased to meet you.
No, you didn't post to much, feel free to say all of what you want or need to say.

i hope things work out well for you in the custody dispute. You said your mom had 3 children, can any of them help support you at least emotionally through this?

 

[Ithinktoomuch]

Thank you. Yes I have two brothers. One is a struggling drug addict. I don't really speak to him much, other then check on him, and give him a place to sleep when he needs it.

My other brother has his own family. He and his wife are struggling trying to pay bills. They may lose their house soon. He has his teaching degree but he can not find a teaching position.

I feel like My custody battle is not a big issue with them. Everyone acts like they want to help but they quickly change the subject. I understand that not everyone wants to constantly talk about me and my problems but I just wish that I had as much support as my ex does.

I know that my custody battle problem may seem like nothing compared to some of your problems but please... it is a huge issue with me. I feel like I don't want to go on if I don't see my son's face every morning.

 

[jnine]

it's okay Ithinktoomuch, what is scaring or hurting you is enough, you don't need to compare your concerns to anyone elses.

I don't have children so i don't really understand but i can empathize with loss.

Is your custody dispute nearing a resoution? It is difficult to have to face this feeling alone when you ex has family support. Is there some kind of group you could connnect with to help you feel less alone? Are you in any kind of counseling? A church perhaps?

 

[Ithinktoomuch]

No I really don't have anywhere to turn to. I guess thats why I found this forum. I don't know a lot of people and I work full time. I am married but my husband just replies with "Oh waah!" when I talk to him about it. I guess in a way he is being sort of supporting.

But he has a brother that is currently living with us. This brother will not try to better himself. Will not get a job, will not clean, nothing. He also smokes weed around the house after I've told him not to a million times. If CPS finds this out.. that's it. I want him out. I've kicked him out. But my husband keeps going behind my back and telling him that he can stay.

I feel like nobody cares about me getting my son!! It's almost as if everyone thinks I am undeserving of him. I guess I am in a way. But not anymore than my ex. I don't know. I wish I could just be that person that everyone loves and thinks is so successful.

 

[jnine]

i'm sorry you feel so alone and worried. Can you, have you talked to your husband about his brother and how that might affect your dispute?

That's gotta be scary.

it's difficult to believe in yourself when you feel frightened and lonely too. But i believe you when you say you are sweet and kind so i also think people will know this about you too. i will think good thoughts towards you. have you considered some kind of counseling for your depression?

 

[Ithinktoomuch]

Thank you so much for being so kind to me. I have thought about counseling. I really want to find someone but I'm afraid that with this custody dispute, it will only make me look like I have a serious mental health problem. (That could be dangerous for my child.)

But, I feel like once I get my child back I will be fine. I will never hurt him or ignore him. When he is around, although the depression is still there a little, it's like I have a shell. I feel it, but I don't let the feelings get out at all. Even if I have to fake having the energy, I still do it. He keeps me going. I know I may not be the best for my son.

But I would never hurt him and I would try my best to give him a good life. This paragraph is kind of contradicting, I'm sure it seems. But, the only reason I would say that I'm not the best choice is because I can only be so much. I can only be so strong. There are people out there that are much much stronger than I am. I feel like I am slowly dying.

Once again, thank you so much for being kind and responding to me. Already, you have made me feel better than anyone in real life that I have tried to talk to.

 

[jnine]

i'm not sure that all that many parents feel they are doing enough, i think you maybe very much in the same mind, i think it's very very difficult to be someones parent and doing your best is all you can do, aside from loving the child and you so very clearly do.

Counseling might be a way for you to get some emotional support, at least someone to talk to, and hopefull even a different perspective so you can see your self more clearly. Perhaps your lawyer would have an opinion about whether counselling would interfer with the most strong case you can present.

It's wonderfull that your child and your love for him keeps you going. That's a marvelous thing.

 

[Ithinktoomuch]

Thanks Jnine. Yeah he is incredible. It hurts so much because I feel so deeply connected to him and it feels like his father is taking him from me. It was his birthday today.

He turned 4. I felt so bad though because I didn't spend the time with him like I wanted to. I had a lot that I had to do today. I had a few appointments, and then I was trying to sell a car. (To help pay attorney fees.) I had 3 hours with him today. I only spent about an hour with him. We went to Mcdonalds and ate and he opened a present. (We will have a b-day party later) But the rest was just running.

I feel like when he is with me, that is all that I do is run him around places. His father has a lot more time than I do.

My son is the reason I am alive. I was going to kill myself one day when I was 17 when I realized that my period was late. The thought hit me out of nowhere. So I tested and it was positive. I found out I was PG, and there was no way I was going to do that.

I've had moments where I almost did it and then I would remember my son.
If I ever lose my son, I think I wouldn't be able to find a reason to go on. My ex keeps calling me a bad mother. He keeps accusing me of things that I didn't do. He told me that when he returns to him he "Stinks". I give him baths daily, so I know he is making it up. It just hurts so damn bad.

 

[jnine]

i don't know Ithinktoomuch, but i know alot of children who purely love McDonalds and having some time with you and McD's and a b-day gift sounds like a genuine celebration.

I'm glad you know that your ex is just trying to make you feel bad, people can be so mean.

and perhaps most parents feel that the desire to spend more time with thier children.

and just because your ex has more time dosent mean he would actually spend more time with him, nor that he could be a better parent than you. It's a complex thing parenting, and judging youself by his comments is not fair to you. you're working hard to do what you can and i hope you can belive it will be enough. Your best is enough, you are enough

 

[Ithinktoomuch]

Thank You Jnine. That means so much to me. You are right. I do try my best. There is no reason for him to treat me this way. I just need to learn to cope with my emotions and anger so that I do not make things harder on myself.

One thing that I am still trying to learn, is that no matter how much someone is hurting you, if they have any kind of power over your life, you have to let it go. You have to just not let the false negative words get to you and try to create some sort of relationship.

I have to figure out how to make things ok between my ex and I. I have been begging him to come to some sort of parenting agreement but he doesn't want me to have the same amount of visitation as him. I want my son to be in both of our lives. He wants to exclude me as much as possible. I know that he has some sort of reason, anger, resentment towards me. I just don't know how to fix all of this. We are both good parents. We shouldn't be fighting over our son.

I'm tired of feeling worthless just because he has more support than me and he is making me feel like crap. I want to belong in my son's life. Not just Be in his life... but belong. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

[jnine]

i think you have a great attitude, it'd be easy to be so angry with your ex that you would try to exclude him from your son's life as you ex is trying to do to you. So give your self credit for having maturity, a generous heart and your son's best interests in you mind and heart.

I hope you can reach an agreement with your ex about joint parenting, that seem it might be the best and least detrimental for you all.

i do understand you wanting/needing to be a natural and integrated part of your son's everyday life....um everyday.

Hopefully you can find a way to work it out so you all can get back to just the normal stresses of being a parent and person.

 

[Stranger1]

Hello Ithinktomuch, Welcome to the forums..Hopefully the juge will rule in your favor..Most courts prefer a child be with their natural mother..I relate to loosing your child.. When my ex and I divorced she up and skipped town with my daughter.. This happened before the divorce was final so there wasn't anything I could do.. I missed out on alot of years of my daughters life.. My ex smokes weed and gets so drunk she doesn't know who she is..My daughter grew up around that and became an ungovernable child.. She was in and out of foster homes and girls institutions..When I finally got her to move down here there was no way to change her ways.. She kept running away..I wish you the best in your struggle with your ex..Try to stay strong thru this...I will send you positive thoughts..and if you need someone to talk to I am online in the mornings..Take care!!

 

[gentlelady]

:welcome: to the forum. First let me tell you how proud I am of you for trying to break the cycle of your childhood. Many times as adults we do the same things as our parents as they were our role models. You are not doing this with your son. Very commendable. I am sorry to hear that your ex is trying to take your son away from you. Has he been in your sole care up until now? If there have been no problems I don't think the judge would choose to remove him although you may get joint custody. So many different arrangements are made these days and i am not sure they are all in the best interest of the child, although that is what they will tell you. I wish your current husband was being more supportive of you and your situation. He should be fighting for your little boy just as much as you are. His brother sounds like a problem. You are right that if CPS finds out about his drug use you are at a greater risk of losing your son. Continue to do your best by him. Your love will show through and that cannot be taken lightly. I will keep you in my thoughts. Let us know how things progress. We are here to offer you as much support as we can. :hug:

 

[butterflies32]

:welcome: I a sorry to hear that you have had a hard time i hoe that you find some comfort here.

Sam#x