Hi, there really is nothing wrong with me. I am healthy, I am young, I have friends, I have a good education and loving family, I am not fat, I am not poor. I am only slightly heartbroken. But I always feel so awful all the time. I know I should not and people tell me I shouldn't and I DO believe them, but I do not accept it nor change. I just am what I am and it's always miserable. It is a mindset I cannot get out of. I lie perpetually to everyone. Even when I do not need to, I do. Everyday I try to go a whole 24 hours without eating. I'm 18 and I do hurt myself. I've thought about suicide since at least 14. This morning I woke up and thought I could do it this evening. I have a boyfriend who will be coming home from training in the Army soon. It's been three months sicne we've seen each other. He really loves me and I never doubted that I loved him but in the last few weeks I have decided I cannot stay with him and have been waiting for him to come home so I can break up in person. Much of July, my birthday month, was filled with hospitals. Two grandparents were in the hospital (one still is), an aunt had a heartattack, and my cousin (my closest family member) who had cystic fibrosis for 31 years finally quit life after nearly 8 weeks in the hospital. I believe it hasn't hit me yet. Anyways, I just like being able to talk to people who don't know me because than I do not lie this way. My parents do not know anything about me. They are not bad parents but I do not get along with them and I never tell them anything. When my does mom catch the sight of cuts on me she blames my friends for being harmful and calls me ignorant. I'd just be lying to say I wish I had more attention, I know I'm the worse child between me and my older brother because I lie and yell and can't stand them. I am just scared suicide will be my last attempt for them to realize I want their help.