Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lexicon, Sep 9, 2010.

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  1. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member


    I signed up here simply because I don't want to be alive any more.

    Sounds a bit weird when you say it so bluntly.

    My story - I'm 17, first of all. I've had bulimia for 7 years and recently developed what I strongly suspect is anorexia (I've lost 20 pounds in 2 months. Whatever the reason, it ain't healthy). I've destroyed my teeth, I'm thin, I'm cold, I have scars dotting my body and I've tried to commit suicide twice, when I was 12. One was cutting (I was 12, I didn't realise how deep you needed to go and I freaked. Still have the scars though) and the other a severe drug overdose of a rare type of medicine for IBS which I had after a long-term illness when I was younger.

    I wish I'd had a life that meant I NEEDED to commit suicide. I shouldn't feel this bad. I was bullied in school, and while it was very severe etc etc it's not like I was abused as a child, or anything "that bad" happened on the level that some people have had in their lives. I feel like I shouldn't feel as bad as I do and I just hate living at the moment because every single second hurts. I don't feel good about myself, not my personlity or particularly my body. I've damaged my body horrifically through my ED and I'm not even strong enough to stop. I'm always going to be ill. I'll probably never be able to have children. My life is rapidly diminishing in what I'll be able to do and achieve, and I jsut...

    Sorry, I must sound ridiculous and I am so, so sorry. I just want to understand why, I just don't get it. THere are so many people with so many stories, people who really have problems and pasts that are so much worse and they're surviving. I don't even REMEMBER half of my past, it's just blotted out.

    I'm sorry. I jsut need to talk to somebody who understands what it feels like to wonder if anything is worth it any more.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    welcome to sf Lexi i can only hope your doctor steps in and get you help puts in hospital for awhile until you stabilize
  3. PiecesMended

    PiecesMended Well-Known Member

    I agree with what ~violet~ said about the doctor. Welcome to the forum.
    Also wanted to say that different people can only deal with so much pain. Everyone has a different pain threshold and just because it doesn't seem like something was a big deal for one person it might be for someone else. Everyone's different after all. - sorry if that made no sense.
    Also bullying is a big deal and has a huge impact on people no matter how 'bad' it was.
    I hope that you get some help soon. :hug:
  4. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies, they help. Just knowing that somebody is there who might be listening.

    I don't have a doctor to stablise me. I'm in counselling for my eating disorder, but as far as my parents are concerned (and my parents mean the world to me) I'm ok. I've been lying to them and to myself, but I can't really do this any more. Does that make sense? I've lied too much to even be able to ask for help.

    Thank you for your replies, like I said.

  5. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Welcome Lex, it truly is a lonely world when you are struggling and trapped every second.

    I relate as many will, I've had anorexia for 20 years or so and I am now mid-thrities. You're right, you are suffering and deteriorating....part of the illness is the scecrecy......they can't stop you from purging or starving but at least find a little bit of comfort in knowing that releasing the lies ans secrecy will offer some inner mental/emotional freedom. You don't have be forthcoming about everything but whatever small steps so they know "how" to help you.

    I've had friends in the past that I met thru IP that have restored their bodies after much damage. They went the natural route and worked with their naturopath to restore them....it's possible but that can only happen once we decide to gravitate towards getting better...

    Better doesn't mean a smooth road of healing,,,, it's going to take time, much pain and suffering in the emotional roller coaster.....but you are not alone.....we are walking that same fine line....

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