Discussion in 'Welcome' started by sweetrelief, Sep 24, 2010.

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  1. sweetrelief

    sweetrelief Member

    The thread title is either cliché or to the point; whichever you prefer.

    I went looking for a forum after reading a recent article about two people in a suicide pact and I'll admit I was kind of jealous.

    My misery began at least fifteen years ago. As soon as the innocence of being young wore off and I began to realise how people were really treating me. I never fit in and I'm not the person they expect me to be. I'm the the type to thrive off being unique and different and honestly I've just always wanted to be accepted even though I never am.

    School taught me two important things: people are nasty and selfish and apparently I'm racist and a bully. Yeah, didn't get that last one myself but I probably am.

    I'm working on a will to describe my feelings in full. It's as sad to write as it is to read but at least it's honest. I'm also including various login's and passwords for my email addresses, sites and forums along with possible instructions for what to do with them including a last message from me informing them of my death and perhaps some kind final words.
    I do worry that people might take them as a joke though so maybe that's not the best idea.

    I suffer from this problem that I'm a big thinker and have a huge imagination. This doesn't help because I can't let comments and criticism slide, I will think about them over and over and over until my head exploded and NOTHING will ever change that.

    It's gotten worse in that the little things that I DO enjoy and help make life worth living are constantly ruined by peoples nasty actions and comments when I always try to be friendly and informative. I've had enough of people and I've had enough of the world. It's getting to the point where I actually wish that I could kill a lot of people as well as myself so that they no longer suffer and they can't make others suffer.

    If I had a button that could painlessly kill all humans in the world I would have pushed it several times and punched it hard a good few as well many, many years ago.

    Life is just too difficult and painful and can't cope like normal people; I'm just too pathetic.

    I really don't want to spend useless time going over reasons, excuses or trying to defend why someone as pathetic as me wishes to die, but that's it.

    I really don't blame anyone for wanting to commit suicide.

    I just want it all to end.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Sweetrelief and welcome...you sound like a very caring and compassionate person...sometimes, that leaves a person much more vunerable and 'out there' without a strong protective layer...please own the things you enjoy and do not let anyone/anything take them from you...you deserve to enjoy them! Hoping you will continue to share with us how you are doing. Welcome again and glad you found us...big hugs, J
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hey sweetrelief i read that suicide pact and felt glad that joanne and steve maybe had their last few hours happy that theyd found each other,so youre not alone,i know what youre saying ive done the email codes too but being on here has really helped get it out there.knowing theres others i can vent to and they understand is nice.
    im here if you need a rant /chat........andi.....x
  4. sweetrelief

    sweetrelief Member

    Thank you. I honestly don't quite know WHY I'm here because I often feel like I repeat myself far too much and it goes nowhere.

    It seems like when I get angry because of an off-day or because people drive me too far, rather than other thinking "hey, why is he acting this way? something must be wrong!" I just get more hatred. It seems like people forget how decent you normally are and just focus on your worst.

    The things people upset me over may be pathetic but they mean something to me and it annoys me that people can't just let others enjoy the stuff like like doing and leave them alone rather than seeking to cause upset.

    Sometimes I'm OK and I can logically argue back, but other times I'm not so calm and it's difficult not to rage. A few times people with a similar view will offer their support but more often than not those times are few and far between.

    I have literally driven myself off at least three forums, one of which I'd only made a few posts on before being made to feel worthless during a time I needed the most support due to the death of my grandmother. It was foolish of me perhaps but I wanted to share something and hear kind words and instead was made to wish that I was the one who had died (more than usual). The other two I have put a lot of time and energy into and there are good people that are worth socialising with but they are so few and far between.

    The little things that make life worth living are now ruined. I should have had a really good day today but I have ended up more suicidal than usual. One of two really awesome things should have happened and that one has been ruined and the other which hasn't happened yet has been ruined as well already so I can't look forward to or enjoy either because the nasty comments, arguments and opinions will repeat over and over in my head.

    I also don't like going out and I don't have many friends because I struggle to socialise. I'm quite a bit of a loner and I enjoy my solitude, but I do enjoy company sometimes although I struggle with proper social etiquette.

    I apologise for talking too much. Hopefully death should help fix that character flaw.
  5. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i think i know what youre saying,you can get 1000 good comments a day but its the 1001stone that plays on your mind,just like the news you only hear about the bad things it doesnt matter what good has come out and itll play on your mind for days and days ,ive been there.unfortunatly people say bad things meaning well but you cant emphasise tone on a computer,
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