I've been floating around this forum for a couple of days reading posts and trying to gain insight. I'm looking for answers, advise, support... all of the things I can't seem to ask the people I'm closest to for. I'm debating whether or not I should seek help right now, or just suck it up and trudge on. So I figured an annonymous forum might be a good place to start in my search for answers. Basically I've come to the realization that my "appathetic" mood has been around now for about five years. I have no zest for life, and recently thoughts of dying have been worming their way into my brain unbidden with alarming frequency. If I were only appathetic most of the time, I think I could handle it. I'm used to being numb now. I wasn't always, but now it seems to be the norm. But lately my moods have been swinging with a rapid pace, and I really feel like I'm at my breaking point. Some days I can't focus on anything for the cocophony of noise that fills my mind, but ask me what I'm thinking about and I couldn't tell you. I've never been diagnosed with depression or anything else. I've never gone to see anyone though, but I've always figured my moods were normal. My moods are like Texas weather. If I don't like one, I just waite a while because its sure to change soon. I always thought of myself as a generally happy person. I've realized that I'm just really good at acting happy around people. I don't want to discuss me or my life, so I smile and ask questions. People love to talk about themselves, and most don't really want to see pain so they don't. I'm trying to decide if I should go see a doctor. I really don't like the idea of being on medication, but I'm afraid of where my mind is going so often these days. Its like I've already decided that I'm going to end it, and I'm waiting for it to happen. That doesn't make sense I know, but that is how I feel. I can't tell anyone I know about this. I've tried, and they wont see me. They change the subject and tell me everything will be fine and that I'm just stressed. I cry in my car because I don't want anyone to see me. I go to bed at rediculously early hours because I can't stand being awake anymore. But sometimes I'm fine. Right now is not so bad. But earlier today I wanted to destroy the world. Thoughts would be appreciated. I just need some help.