Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Floating, Oct 21, 2010.

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  1. Floating

    Floating New Member

    I've been floating around this forum for a couple of days reading posts and trying to gain insight. I'm looking for answers, advise, support... all of the things I can't seem to ask the people I'm closest to for. I'm debating whether or not I should seek help right now, or just suck it up and trudge on. So I figured an annonymous forum might be a good place to start in my search for answers.

    Basically I've come to the realization that my "appathetic" mood has been around now for about five years. I have no zest for life, and recently thoughts of dying have been worming their way into my brain unbidden with alarming frequency. If I were only appathetic most of the time, I think I could handle it. I'm used to being numb now. I wasn't always, but now it seems to be the norm. But lately my moods have been swinging with a rapid pace, and I really feel like I'm at my breaking point. Some days I can't focus on anything for the cocophony of noise that fills my mind, but ask me what I'm thinking about and I couldn't tell you.

    I've never been diagnosed with depression or anything else. I've never gone to see anyone though, but I've always figured my moods were normal. My moods are like Texas weather. If I don't like one, I just waite a while because its sure to change soon. I always thought of myself as a generally happy person. I've realized that I'm just really good at acting happy around people. I don't want to discuss me or my life, so I smile and ask questions. People love to talk about themselves, and most don't really want to see pain so they don't.

    I'm trying to decide if I should go see a doctor. I really don't like the idea of being on medication, but I'm afraid of where my mind is going so often these days. Its like I've already decided that I'm going to end it, and I'm waiting for it to happen. That doesn't make sense I know, but that is how I feel. I can't tell anyone I know about this. I've tried, and they wont see me. They change the subject and tell me everything will be fine and that I'm just stressed. I cry in my car because I don't want anyone to see me. I go to bed at rediculously early hours because I can't stand being awake anymore. But sometimes I'm fine. Right now is not so bad. But earlier today I wanted to destroy the world. Thoughts would be appreciated. I just need some help.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you have suffered enough alone I think you should goto your doctor and get some meds to bring living backto you okay. Your regular doctor can do that can diagnose yu as well with depression if that is what you have. Make sure he does medical check up to rule out any medical reasons youhave been feeling so poorly. thyroid may beoff ect. Please get helpfor youokay you need to start feeling better now okay Look after you please
  3. Oskan

    Oskan Member

    I politely disagree.
    Medication is not always necessary. Humanity has become so defendant on drugs over the years that they're whiling away at our health... all the side effects? Every day it seems there's a new recall, a new warning. If you're into medicine, I would suggest plants. Why? Because they are literally what nature intended. Need a pick-me-up (how stupid is that phrase?) start an herb garden. Chamomile, basil, lemon balm ,pretty flowers... this sounds so hippie-like, but I'm serious. Something to bring joy back into your life. Go to the beach, listen to the wind, notice the moon and the stars and tell them your worries, since they don't say stupid things back.
    Or better yet? Talk to a dog.
    I'm sorry if this didn't help-but I hope it did.
    But I'm serious-even if it's in a pot or a bucket filled with soil in a sunny corner of the apartment-garden.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i disagree first get a diagnosis make sure it is not a medical problem herbs will not fix a thryroid not working herbs have been proven not to work on depression long term depression If you are suffering get professioanl help okay
    Help from a doctor who cares who has taken the time to learn all the possiblilities why you are not feeling well Please take care of you please get professional help it took me years to not be afraid of meds and i am finally taking them and i have improved i am stronger with professioanl help i can see clearer now. Herbs are not controlled they are not govern for saftey Just call your doctor and make sure it is something not medical okay maybe a thryroid medication is all you need but you won't know until you get assessed
  5. Oskan

    Oskan Member

    sorry if i sounded too critical-good doctors and careful medication can work wonders, just be careful, okay?
  6. Floating

    Floating New Member

    I appreciate the feedback. I really wish I could just understand why I'm feeling like this. My lifes not perfect, but it isn't all bad either. I just want to be at peace.
  7. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Hiya Floating,

    May i ask why are you feeling this way for 5 years, pro -longed recess leads to clinical depression, therapy by your own hands is only possible if you first identify and accept the reason/s for your predicament, or have you forgotten them? I agree with Oskan on seeking a moment of solitude without the internal clamour of self-critique which can often be self-destructive in my experience.
    do tell, your story.

    this is my first post and my membership is owing to situations running parallel to your own.

    *insert overtly motivational or sentimental comment here*
  8. Floating

    Floating New Member

    Theres no real story to tell. I'm average and so is my life. I have tried to identify a root cause, but every time I think I have it and change it, nothing happens. I'm not "sad" most of the time. I'm numb. Thoughts of suicide don't enter my mind because of sadness or immediately following a stressful situation, they just do. I feel like a fraud. I know there are people out there that have had horrible things happen to them. They're justified in the way they feel. I have nothing to point to. No reasons. So I just pretend to be normal, but because of that I haven't been able to maintain a normal life or any long term relationships. Eventually everyone figures me out, and who wants to be with an emotionally anorexic person? I'm currently going through my second divorce, and I'm only 30.

    My husband doesn't know how to talk to me. He says he can't read me, but he doesn't understand that there is nothing to read. I have no emotion to speak of regarding our seperation. Everyone expects me to be sad or upset, and I'm really bad at faking that emotion so I've just stopped talking to people for a while. It works I guess. Everyone assumes I'm isolating myself because I'm sad. I've just decided romantic relationships aren't for me. I'm not that good at faking it. I can't keep up the facade that long.

    I think my brain is broken or miswired or something. I did cry the other day. That was a surprise. I was in my car, and I just started crying. Its happened a couple of time recently. Tears were just falling and they wouldn't stop. I couldn't tell you why exactly. Sure seperations are stressful, and maybe thats the reason, but it didn't seem like it at the time. Its all very confusing. Like I said before, I'm used to being numb. I can handle that. Its these random emotional outbursts lately and the sudden thoughts of dying that are alarming.

    Does anyone else feel this way? Is anyone else numb all the time with the occassional burst of random emotion?
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