Hi everyone. Well its been about 15 years of so since I was on a forum like this. Back then was in depression, suicidal, got therapy, drugs, etc. and eventually pulled out of it. Here I am again. Not sure exactly how I've gotten back in the same place, but its really happened fast it seems, and I'm really not inclined to do much about the place I'm in. I'm 41 now, many would say I've done well in my life, career, etc., but really all that doesn't seem to matter when it comes right down to it. I'm not really sure why I'm here, honestly. Obviously I've sought this forum out, and I guess that must mean I'm trying to reach out, though I don't know why. I could try to explain what's going on, but I'm not sure of the point of that either. Basically, I'm really tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I don't seem to have any direction in my life anymore. No passion, no motivation. Pretty much feel like a zombie going through the motions. Just numb, every day. I've wondered, like many others I'm sure, why people get so upset about someone wanting to take their life. I'm a firm believer in personal choice and personal responsibility, and so I think that we all should be able to make our own choices in life without someone stepping in to try to stop someone from making personal choices. I suppose this is the society we live in, but it is because of this that I fear talking to people about how I'm feeling. Do I have people that love me, care about me? yes, of course I do, including my wife, my parents, brothers, a few friends. But at the end of the day, it's me that is just wanting to stop. Selfish? maybe. But aren't we all responsible for ourselves, ultimately? If we have the love to share, we all will try to help those we love. I've done it for others, and people have done it for me and I'm sure they would be there for me now if I wanted it. But I guess I don't, and so I don't talk to them, which just isolates me more. I do know that I really don't care if I was to leave this earth prematurely. And I'm not really looking for anyone to talk to about that. Maybe what I am looking for are some answers, some clarity. I'm not sure why I'm here. What value I have to bring to the world. I feel like I'm lost and have no direction, and thus I just don't see the point of getting up every day (even though I do like clockwork to open and operate my new business....but that's a whole other story). Anyway...I realize I'm just rambling here. Thank for reading if you've made it all the way through. Sometimes it just helps to write/talk about things.