I'm not sure how to start this, but here it goes. I'm a female in my early 20s. I graduated from college an year ago. I'm not using my degree for anything, and I don't plan on it. I have no interest in just having a job for the sake of money, but I do have one right now to make ends meet. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have no interest in finding a career of any sort. My family and I have been estranged because of my decision to ditch my college education and get away from the pressure they put on me to find a lucrative occupation. I'm disgusted at the thought of the relationships I had with them. It was depressing, manipulative, toxic. From middle school onwards, I used to fantasize about "saving the world" -- helping the poor, killing the bad guys, being a hero. Some of it was altruistic. Some of it was an ego trip. I was a sensitive person with a big heart and big ambitions, but had too much self-doubt. I was enraged by the atrocities I read about in Africa to the point of tears. I was disgusted that family and friends did not show the same level of outrage and concern that I did. I was inspired with rebellion against western culture after reading "Ishmael" in 10th grade and would argue vehemently with anyone who opposed its claims. I was naive and took big leaps in imagination, but hardly a step in reality. After I graduated and all was said and done with my family, I was resolved to figure out what the heck I wanted to do. Still wanting to work with those in need -- the poor, the displaced -- I thought about joining a non-profit. I quickly realized that I didn't really agree with the goals of the non-profits I looked into. My idea of helping those in need didn't coincide with theirs on a very basic, fundamental level. Then I decided that I don't have the energy to think about any external problems right now, because I am a screwed up individual that is absorbed with my own problems. I'm emotionally volatile, consistently feeling empty and unfulfilled, self-deprecating, and anxiety-ridden. I have a history of panic attacks induced by threat of being abandoned. I have manipulative and superficial relationships. If I find one that has the potential for real depth, then I sabotage it by clinging and attaching myself like a leech onto this other person. I've admitted myself to a clinic for suicidal ideations and panic attacks. The times that I feel most vulnerable to suicide is when I'm in the midst of a panic attack. It is very intense. Lately, I've only casually been considering suicide, almost like considering whether to go to the movies tonight. I've taken a semi-serious interest in the martial arts in the past several months. I've been involved in these classes very much, but every now and then, I take a break and and feel pessimistic about where these classes are taking me. I don't want to be mediocre. I want these classes to be very meaningful, because I search for meaning at this point.