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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by droplet, Dec 1, 2010.

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  1. droplet

    droplet New Member

    I'm not sure how to start this, but here it goes.

    I'm a female in my early 20s. I graduated from college an year ago. I'm not using my degree for anything, and I don't plan on it. I have no interest in just having a job for the sake of money, but I do have one right now to make ends meet. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have no interest in finding a career of any sort.

    My family and I have been estranged because of my decision to ditch my college education and get away from the pressure they put on me to find a lucrative occupation. I'm disgusted at the thought of the relationships I had with them. It was depressing, manipulative, toxic.

    From middle school onwards, I used to fantasize about "saving the world" -- helping the poor, killing the bad guys, being a hero. Some of it was altruistic. Some of it was an ego trip. I was a sensitive person with a big heart and big ambitions, but had too much self-doubt. I was enraged by the atrocities I read about in Africa to the point of tears. I was disgusted that family and friends did not show the same level of outrage and concern that I did. I was inspired with rebellion against western culture after reading "Ishmael" in 10th grade and would argue vehemently with anyone who opposed its claims. I was naive and took big leaps in imagination, but hardly a step in reality.

    After I graduated and all was said and done with my family, I was resolved to figure out what the heck I wanted to do. Still wanting to work with those in need -- the poor, the displaced -- I thought about joining a non-profit. I quickly realized that I didn't really agree with the goals of the non-profits I looked into. My idea of helping those in need didn't coincide with theirs on a very basic, fundamental level.

    Then I decided that I don't have the energy to think about any external problems right now, because I am a screwed up individual that is absorbed with my own problems. I'm emotionally volatile, consistently feeling empty and unfulfilled, self-deprecating, and anxiety-ridden. I have a history of panic attacks induced by threat of being abandoned. I have manipulative and superficial relationships. If I find one that has the potential for real depth, then I sabotage it by clinging and attaching myself like a leech onto this other person.

    I've admitted myself to a clinic for suicidal ideations and panic attacks. The times that I feel most vulnerable to suicide is when I'm in the midst of a panic attack. It is very intense. Lately, I've only casually been considering suicide, almost like considering whether to go to the movies tonight.

    I've taken a semi-serious interest in the martial arts in the past several months. I've been involved in these classes very much, but every now and then, I take a break and and feel pessimistic about where these classes are taking me. I don't want to be mediocre. I want these classes to be very meaningful, because I search for meaning at this point.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    first off just want to say hi welcome to SF second you are still very young so yes explore what it is you want to do take time look at all possibilities. Just know though education is important to get what one needs really. I hope taking a few years off you will find what it is you passion and stick with it okay glad your here reaching out
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member


    Well if you can feel sympathy for others (not everyone can) there are tons of jobs that you can do that make ok money and will fulfil you at the same time. What kind of degree do you have? Then we can start coming up with some ideas for you to save the world.
  4. droplet

    droplet New Member

    There are several ways to help people. The more direct, obvious ways could be giving someone shelter, food, or clothing. I don't need a job to do that. But I have to ask why these people (not the government or charities) can't provide themselves with such basic necessities? If it's because they don't have any money, I don't want to ask how these people can go about getting money. I want to ask why these people need money to survive. Why is money the middleman?

    Do I want to help people through our failed system which inherently continues this cycle of poverty, or do I want to work within a different framework?
    I suppose I'm turning this into more of a broad, philosophical problem. I don't know how to "help". I don't know what the problems are exactly, other than those that are obvious. And I don't know how to resolve them, other than those that are obvious.

    I graduated with a degree in Economics.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2010
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You know the littlest of things help, like saying hi to someone that looks down or giving them a smile.

    For me, Im an ear to vent to or someone that will do just about anything (other than putting my kids in danger) to help anyone that wants to be helped.
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