Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lagstronaut, Jan 4, 2011.

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  1. lagstronaut

    lagstronaut Member

    i dont know what i hope to accomplish with this thread but telling you all how I feel. and no offense, I'm probably going to hate most of the half-hearted "you'll be okay!" / "it gets better!" responses. i thought i'd just get that out of the way lol

    I hate myself. I am a (nearly) 22 year old Virgin. I fake every decent social emotion I portray. True happiness is scared away at the first sight of human presence. Yet I try day-in and day-out to fit in, I never have, and I never do. I don't have real moods. I just ride a fake wave that I make up and can tolerate for a while. I tell myself things will change, but I have no proof. In the last few months, thoughts of killing myself comfort me greatly. When I was 14 and asked what I want to be when I grow up, the back of my mind said "it doesn't matter, I'll be dead by my mid-20's". I never took those thoughts as dominant or comforting though....merely just loose facts I believed about my life. But in the last few months, when I am feeling more down than my usual state of "constant" down-ness, I sink into daydreams about having all the correct tools to pull of a painless and quick suicide. I regret, in my daydreams, doing it when I think of my parents' and sister's reactions -- but I still think it's for the best.

    I have no faith I will enjoy any job or occupation I encounter. I am dreading college because people scare me and making friends is impossible without a constant drunkness occuring. But even then, it's just me being a better faker. I am not an alcoholic if you're wondering, I drink in spats but can go weeks or months without being drunk.

    I have kissed and fingered some woman (great opening line for a paragraph). No one has ever seen or touched my dick, except one girl when I was 13, and she was 10. She was too young to know how to do anything to it, so I didn't get a boner. the next morning she said I need to grow a dick. Oh, I have a small penis by the way. Very very small. Every girl I have ever kissed or touched intimately has come while intoxicated --- not to say, again, that I am frequently intoxicated, but it just happens that I can only "go with the flow" and make anything happen sexually when the nights growing old and I am wasted with someone I barely know. Alot of girls have liked me, alot of girls do like me. I am very attractive. I am bad at maintaining a level of confidence that allows me to APPEAR attractive, however. My bad moods and uncertaintly make my face uglier. More scared. If I had confidence I would be set thanks to my natural facial appearance, although the rest of my body pales in comparison (crack-smoking type of thin, like your arms are thicker than my legs sometimes).

    I don't know why I am saying all of this. Well I do -- I'm empty and alone. My friends are just barely my friends -- I have alot but only 1 or 2 I could trust. And only 1 have I ever said any of this to. Only 1 person in my circle of family/friends knows I am a virgin. Anyways, I am lost, hopeless, and scared. I am emotionless but have too many emotions. I try harder than anybody (in my mind), but it doesn't come across and I get less further than even the most laziest of social people.

    I am going to be met with, I imagine, replies to this thread that I should seek counselling, psychiatry, opening up to family, and possibly medication. The counseling is a trip I don't enjoy, it to me leads only to falling deeper down the hole. Opening up to family is redundant because we all feel this way, and they all sort of fucked me up in many of these ways. I'm the only person in my family to not commit an attempt at suicide, and of those, my sister blamed me for 1 of them, and me and my dad discussed how he'd do it when I was 13. The next day he tried and I didn't see him again for almost a year.

    I have nothing. The things I do have, mean nothing. Even girls who seem so into me, lose interest fast, because I have trouble building bridges, making conversation (light, or serious, but especially light), and I send off no sexual vibes. I am eager and needy. And I am losing it.

    I appreciate to those who do reply, but like I said.................(no offense, once more)..........the only or majority of replies I get, I will shake my head at. I've read alot of threads here so far, and I don't think this is the place for me. I am certain my life ends soon. And in a sick way, I wish someone would support my plans for death. It's the only game I'll ever win :2nd:
  2. bigpmc

    bigpmc Member

    I know how you feel, most of the things you wrote could easily be describing me. I'm not going to suggest anything for you to do-because I dont know either. I just wanted to reply to say that you are not alone in how you feel. I wish there was some magic wand I could wave that would make us both feel better. Its totally your decision obviously but I really hope you dont give up. If you ever want to talk just message me
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to give you some 'hey, things will get better' reply. For all we know a piano might fall on your head tomorrow, or some lorry hurtle out of control. Even an asteroid falling from space or something.

    Worse still you might lose your virginity and get a dose and find out its your half sister adopted at birth. Then again, maybe in the USA that's normal. I know not and I'm just jesting.

    As for being 22 and a virgin - bro, it does not matter to anyone apart from you. As for a small willy - again it only matters to you. There are millions of men and women worrying over parts of their body. My legs are too long, short, fat or thin. My eyes are too close - mouth is not good enough or "I've got Charles Manson Eyes". As a teen I worried about my looks, worried if the size of my dick was not right - and one ball veers to the left and so on. At the end of the day, all those imperfections you see in yourself - it matters little when the lights go low. Most of us are not going to grace the glossy magazines because of our looks or outstanding physique.

    22 is young - and your worrying too much about women and should put your efforts into other areas of life. I've got no woman but I'm not going to cry me a river or put on my Mo-town Sob Songs about 'losing your baby' and 'losing your mind'. Listen to enough morbid 'lost my baby' songs and you'll feel depressed big time.

    The college that you see as such a bad thing - bear in mind that the more people you meet the less dread you have with social contact. Meeting women on a neutral ground, with you nice and clean and tidy and sober, you will see things differently in a few months or so. Even the Hunchback of Notradame got lucky with a good looking catch of a lady. OK, he had to kidnap her (in a friendly manner) and hoist her up into a belfry but at least the bells were ringing for him.

    And death is not a game. The hurt you'd cause if you took your own life would be horrible. You must have people who love you. I don't know you but I know that everyone matters and I know that your problems are just problems you are allowing to reign over the kingdom of your own mind.

    Try and think positive - do some favours for people, help out and volunteer in something and at 22 you ought to be walking 20 miles if you feel the worried blues. Seriously, walk and think. Allow every negative thought a platform then kick it off. You will look better when you feel better and you will get that girl - hopefully get her pregnant quickly and you'll notice that no matter what the size of a dick it can fill a pram.

    That is all its really there for. Pleasure is a bonus and a clever way of making sure we procreate. I mean if sex had no pleasure - you really would not do it would we? It would be like giving people a piggy back - a bit of a laugh but it soon hurts your back.

    And hey, if another woman can pleasure another woman (it does go on) then think about that. No dick there is there? apart from the dick watching it. (not a good healthy intro to romance is it?)

    You are worrying about things too much. Like I say, keep busy, do your college stint because a degree is worth more than a big dick when it comes to attracting the kind of loving women who you no doubt would like to share a life with.

    Like Jim Morrison once sang "Love comes when you least expect it"

    Don't go looking for it - just be around people and you WILL feel more comfortable in time. If things get on top - seek counselling or something - I mean, you really might be feeling bad due to basic chemistry in the brain. Mostly its just keeping busy and hopefully academic stuff will give you chance to focus the brain and not let it be focused on how bad things are.

    Good luck, God Bless and so on.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi back at you glad you are here reachingout for some support
  5. Youth

    Youth Active Member

    I'm 22 too! And go to college just like you. And I have the same issues. I'm fairly attractive, but I'm also short - nobody takes me seriously. The only things people ever have liked me for have been the things I do (like act and play sports). I have ZERO friends in college and I hate it. My mother and sister are cutters. But, this is not about me. This is about you.
    Please do look past the sexual deal, because most people are just going to be shallow. Since, I've started college all of my sexual endeavors have been drunk, nonsensical activities with girls I have barely known. Honestly, I've gotten to the point where I don't even like sex anymore. Seriously, and I've only had several partners since I started having sex. And It's been a year since I've had some. I don't miss it.
    And don't listen to the post that said that college might get better when you meet more people, because it might not better. Sometimes, college is a chore for people like us and for other people it's an amusement park. For every person I've met in college I've found nothing but that same pretentious happy-go-lucky BS. It's just not real for me.
    We have a lot in common. Feel free to PM me. Trust me, I know it's hard and soon I do plan on attempting to rid myself, but I don't think it'll be serious and final. But, like you, I feel like it's the best thing to do.
    Hopefully, we don't :mellow:
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