I found this forum after simply searching for one... I need someone to identify myself with, and thought this would be the right place... My story begins all the way back in my childhood. I was 4-5 years old, and my mother would take me to the local child-nurse, to have a regular check on me, as with every other children. I was, and have never been a normal child. I was extremely skinny throughout my whole childhood, elementary school and even now in high school. I remember that the nurse would look at me, with fright in her eyes, as if she was looking at something inhuman. Later on, when I started in school, I still got those stares sometimes, but soon it became more than that. I was never really bullied; it was more like a general assumtion people had about me. I could see it in their eyes and their smile, that they wanted to laugh out loud and shout "look at that skinny, ugly fuck". As time began to pass, I started to look at myself in the mirror. I was rejected anywhere I went, and people would just laugh me away. This still remains. If I go somewhere to talk to someone, there just becomes an awkward silence, as if I am not wanted there. And as time passed in the elementary school, their hate would take root inside of me. I can barely look myself in the mirror any more without crushing it, and the ugly shit staring with a hateful stare back. I hate myself so badly, not on a basic level like one would normally assume, but I really do wish to kill the person staring back from the mirror, every single time. And I did once try to drown myself, but I survived. Haven't really tried anything since then, but the urge grows more each day. Following this, I became more and more distant from people. I never trusted to tell anyone about my problems, and I most probably never will, except for you guys. Depression has almost always followed me, and I became extremely depressed lately. I have a numb feeling inside of me, as if I already am dead inside. I've felt this very sensation for years, but it became stronger this last month, and I no longer really care about school or anything like that. There are a few things that still keep me in check from suiciding however... But I am more than ready to let go of those things. I just want to end my own pain, as you would end a wounded animal's. Except for that I am so to say already emotionally dead. Only pure hatred for myself remains.. over and out.