Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SelfVersusSelf, Jan 17, 2011.

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  1. I found this forum after simply searching for one... I need someone to identify myself with, and thought this would be the right place...

    My story begins all the way back in my childhood. I was 4-5 years old, and my mother would take me to the local child-nurse, to have a regular check on me, as with every other children. I was, and have never been a normal child. I was extremely skinny throughout my whole childhood, elementary school and even now in high school. I remember that the nurse would look at me, with fright in her eyes, as if she was looking at something inhuman. Later on, when I started in school, I still got those stares sometimes, but soon it became more than that. I was never really bullied; it was more like a general assumtion people had about me. I could see it in their eyes and their smile, that they wanted to laugh out loud and shout "look at that skinny, ugly fuck". As time began to pass, I started to look at myself in the mirror. I was rejected anywhere I went, and people would just laugh me away. This still remains. If I go somewhere to talk to someone, there just becomes an awkward silence, as if I am not wanted there. And as time passed in the elementary school, their hate would take root inside of me. I can barely look myself in the mirror any more without crushing it, and the ugly shit staring with a hateful stare back. I hate myself so badly, not on a basic level like one would normally assume, but I really do wish to kill the person staring back from the mirror, every single time. And I did once try to drown myself, but I survived. Haven't really tried anything since then, but the urge grows more each day. Following this, I became more and more distant from people. I never trusted to tell anyone about my problems, and I most probably never will, except for you guys. Depression has almost always followed me, and I became extremely depressed lately. I have a numb feeling inside of me, as if I already am dead inside. I've felt this very sensation for years, but it became stronger this last month, and I no longer really care about school or anything like that. There are a few things that still keep me in check from suiciding however... But I am more than ready to let go of those things. I just want to end my own pain, as you would end a wounded animal's. Except for that I am so to say already emotionally dead. Only pure hatred for myself remains..

    over and out.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you i hope you know people do care here and in time you will make friendships and no one will judge you for anything Keep reaching out okay and know that you want the sadness to end but not you
  3. snowlvr

    snowlvr New Member

    Hi, I have just joined this site today but I wanted to reach out to you and say hello, I understand everything you are saying...I see you are in high school, my daughter is 19, I'm sure there are lot's of people here who care, including me, sending you many hugs...
  4. Pierre

    Pierre New Member

    Hey I'm new here too. It sound like you're having a hard time like me too but I hope you hang in there. i think a lot of people here might be able to help because a lot of us have similar stuff going on
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!! I'm sure you will find members here who are in the same shape you are.. Feel free to talk or even vent your frustrations.. We're here to help support you..
  6. Hello again, and thanks everyone. I feel kind of relieved to have found such a place to let it all out to someone who actually cares for once (not that I've ever told anyone about my issues, except for some online friends).
  7. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Hi :) welcome to sf. some people have nothing better to do then make others feel like crap. it wasnt and isnt your fault hon. i hope you find support here :) if you need anything feel free to pm me anytime. :hug:
  8. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF SelfVersusSelf :)

    Many of us here suffer from similar identity issues all the time. The biggest problem is when OTHER people stop saying the bad things about and YOU start doing it to yourself. It's not the short term damage/situations that are dangerous, it's the long term damage. It's like taking a poisonous weed, and putting it in a garden. Before you know it the weed has taken over all the other plants and what's left is one big pile of deadly shit.

    I don't give a crap about school either. I think I never really have anyway. I just did work and if it was easy, I got good marks. And if it was hard well I sucked somewhat at it(I actually failed Maths second semester of last year....lol). If I didn't have to go to school I wouldn't. Well I don't have to but I'd have to find a job....and that's borderline impossible for various reasons.

    Hope you get what you need out of SF :hug:
  9. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Hey there,, and welcome to SF. I am sorr;y that you feel so much pain. It's not a good place to be in. Hopefully, when you feel a little better, you can keep on posting and talking with us. :hug
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