Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Tsunami, Feb 5, 2011.

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  1. Tsunami

    Tsunami Member

    Hello. I'm 15 years old. I've got suicide on my mind pretty much 24/7 now.

    I've gotten physically/emotionally/verbally/neglected abused by my dad for 3.5 years, and it ruined my life. I now live with my mother again, though she knows barely anything of what happened over there.

    I finished primary school/elementary school in the UK, and since I haven't really spent any time with my dad (my parents are married but live apart in different countries), I went to live with him and start school in Canada. Definitely a mistake.

    Generally my day would've gone something like this:

    Wake up to a bucket of ice cold water then dragged out of bed.
    Since I'm on the floor already, sometimes it's followed with a kick to the ribs.

    Barely have time, if at all, to use the bathroom, and wore clothes that were washed every 3-4 weeks. I didn't really have many clothes in the first place, to be honest.
    I admit, I'd steal money from my dad, mostly in coin form (0.25$ - 2$ coins), just so I could get lunch some days. Well, 1 or 2 days a week at most.

    School was a nightmare. Didn't fit in - who would want to be friends with the kid whose clothes are ragged and don't fit. School - sadly - was the only time I was away from my dad.

    He'd pick me up, sometimes on time, sometimes an hour after school has ended. He'd usually hit me while we're in the car, shout a lot, swear, - the usual. I'd get home and he'd swear some more, complain, shout, beat me for a while and then cook. I'd eat a ton of carbohydrates ( I only eat a few (5~) types of food, and they're either pasta or..potato related things. I've always been like that though, don't know why. Not even with anything - just plain. (embarrassing!)) - I'd spend the time till I go to bed in a pretty small room and I'm not allowed to leave (he locks it) - I only use the bathroom once or twice (if I'm lucky) during that time.
    Since when you don't eat regularly your body sort of goes into a survival mode where it takes in more nutrients/fat/etc. - so, in my opinion, I was getting fat (I weight about 142 pounds, I'm 5' 7.5" - I HATE the way my body looks).

    I slept in the same room as my dad (thankfully not the same bed) on a terrible second hand bed + mattress that killed my back (my sitting positions weren't helping neither). THe only thing that passed the time was my laptop which he'd bought for me when I arrived, mainly because of my mum. Though once he said it was bed time, that's it. Can't leave the bed for anything. Can't keep a glass of water nearby, neither.

    Weekends - sitting in a small room, could leave to go to the bathroom freely though which was nice. I ate whatever I could find that..I could "eat" (since I don't eat many different things..) - my dad "entertained" a female friend, she'd stay over every single weekend, in the same bed as my dad and play it off like she's just a friend, though she damn well acted like she was trying to be my mum.

    Even then I'd get shouted at and beat. Mostly fists/kicks, sometimes he'd just sit on my chest (he's like 200 pounds -- fat, not muscle) - felt like I was going to die/couldn't breathe. Heck - even when I'm trying to take a shower (once a week) he'd burst in and start punching me through the curtain. He's pushed me down stairs, slammed me into walls, thrown me out the house (literally).

    So I'm back with my mum, and maintain conversation with my dad who seems to think everything's fine ( I think something is wrong in his head, honestly ), but living with her is .. similar. I don't get hit, and I eat a lot more but I get shouted at, ignored, blamed for her "not being able to cope".

    I can't do anything I want. I'd like to leave the house but I can't/not allowed (wasn't allowed with my dad neither, but he had a damn barbed wire fence preventing me).

    I do online school, and admittedly I'm doing poorly. I just don't have the motivation/don't care anymore. I don't want to die, but I see no other way of coping. I just..sit around all day watching tv, hoping for the pain to go. I can't even make decisions for myself. I'll say one thing, then switch the next day, then convince myself to go for another thing.. :blub:

    I don't cut. I scratch myself with the tip of scissors/bite myself but that's it. Now and then I'll punch myself. I do miss being with my dad though. I still sort of hope that he'll be my dad one day every time I talk to him. That this is all just a weird dream. I even miss getting hit all the time..it meant that I .. existed. I guess I miss the attention a little. I can't stand being alone anymore. I like it now and then but that's it. I really want hugs (also embarrassing) but I don't get many/if any. hugging my mum/sister = weird now. It doesn't feel the same. I know there is a wall of lies separating me from them (both their lies and my lies).

    I always lie awake at night, sometimes up to 6 am, just thinking it all over in my head, over and over and over again and crying.

    Sorry for the long story..but that's me..I guess. Feels weird having a written "confirmation" of sorts.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you have had such a rough life i am glad you are away from your father and his abuse. It is ashame your mother is not coping well. Is there not a child help phone line you can call to talk to someone to let them know how you are feeling. If you are feeling suicidal call the crisis line even to get help okay.
    I am glad you are reaching out here now you know you are not alone okay You can talk here when you need someone too hugs. to you
  3. You're fifteen? My god. You're an extraordinary writer. On behalf of the literary future of England, I am pleading with you not to do yourself in, at least not just yet. The world needs more people with your degree of eloquence. (Not to mention more with your brand of gracefully stoic sensitivity.)

    Have you spoken to anyone else about what you've been through? I can't imagine bearing the burden of your abuse silently, much less going through those years myself.

    And you're really not allowed to leave the house? I wish I knew more about the laws in your country; here in the US, I'd consider asking whether child services might be able to get involved. From reading this you sound to be a remarkably bright and sweet-tempered person--the sort any parent should be happy to have.

    What do you dream of? Or do you? If I were your fairy godmother who could wave a wand and grant you any wish, what would it be? And I know it's not the same, but here's a virtual hug, for whatever it's worth. Keep writing. Your voice is brilliant.
  4. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain. :hug: Welcome to SF. I am glad that you found us.

    I get the feeling that talking to your mum would not actually achieve anything. Have you tried? You cannot continue like this. You need to phone Childline and get some help and advice for your situation.

    I realise that opening up to complete strangers can be a little difficult, but please do keep talking to us. You have displayed a remarkable bravery to get through life as you have known it and still be here talking to us. Speaking as a survivor of childhood abuse, I can promise you that there is a way through. Always here if you need to talk.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    How horrible...you sound so lovely and your parents are such fools...they have a treasure and treat you so poorly...I hope you know the world is not as cruel...please continue to tell us how you are and see if there are ppl here you can socialize with...big hugs and I wish I could give them to you in RL...J
  6. Tsunami

    Tsunami Member

    No I have never told anyone the full story. My mum knows that he'd shout at me a lot and there wasn't that much to eat in the.."house", but that's it.

    I doubt I'm any good at writing. I've wanted to be a game designer for the past 5 years, and I've learned quite a bit - I've made ~10 2D games, and a few 3D games. Now, though, I want to expand more into digital media. I'm learning sound engineering/music production and film/video editing/production. I don't even know why I bother learning it though. There are so many people better than me, I don't see why they'd even consider me over them.

    One wish - I guess I'd wish to have a few minutes free from pain. Sounds like a pretty mediocre wish, but that's all I really want.

    I've tried talking to my mum about different things, such as things that (were) important. Same old conversations. Complaints about money, I should learn to wait, etc. - it's infuriating.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2011
  7. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Keep that minimal drive going. It's good that you have that idea of what you may remotely like doing. Because once you lose it you end up like me. Mentally dead, waiting for your physicality to catch up.

    PM sometime if you want to, I dont mind :p
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Tsunami. Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you have found us and have been able to voice your experience and feelings. Venting to people can help a lot. Sounds like you've had a lot going on.

    You are indeed an amazing writer! Full sentences, proper punctuation, nice choice of words, flow...Good writer! It can be hard to believe compliments if we're already feeling squashed by others. Perhaps accept the observations of your talent by some of us here as a new beginning for how you see yourself from now on. (Just an idea you might want to consider.)

    Again, welcome to SF!
  9. ParodoxialShadow

    ParodoxialShadow Active Member

    Friend, life has not been good to you, but you are definitely strong. For 15, you are incredibly intelligent, and very well-worded. Man, over 10 videogames already? I can't think of anyone that was that good at your age. The only people better than you are older and have more years with it, whom you will definitely eclipse.

    As far as that post being long, you obviously haven't seen mine, lol.

    Love to hear more from you. Welcome to the site!
  10. NightPetals

    NightPetals Active Member

    Hi Sweetheart :)
    You are definitely the most loving, adorable and exceptional perspicacious 15 year old I've heard of. I am so sorry for all the physical, verbal, and emotional neglect you have received from your dad. If I had a child like you, I would be the luckiest mom in the world. You are doing a fantastic job at trying to keep the family image alive. There is nothing embarrassing about wanting a hug, I would give you a thousand if only I lived in England.
    Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, our biological families fail to love us. But, there are families we can create. Life has hundreds of paths and opportunities, and for you, millions. Reach out for support, I am certain no one would refuse someone so beautiful as yourself.
    :hugtackles::hug: :hugtackles: :hug: :hugtackles: :hug: :hugtackles:
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