Hello. I'm 15 years old. I've got suicide on my mind pretty much 24/7 now. I've gotten physically/emotionally/verbally/neglected abused by my dad for 3.5 years, and it ruined my life. I now live with my mother again, though she knows barely anything of what happened over there. I finished primary school/elementary school in the UK, and since I haven't really spent any time with my dad (my parents are married but live apart in different countries), I went to live with him and start school in Canada. Definitely a mistake. Generally my day would've gone something like this: Wake up to a bucket of ice cold water then dragged out of bed. Since I'm on the floor already, sometimes it's followed with a kick to the ribs. Barely have time, if at all, to use the bathroom, and wore clothes that were washed every 3-4 weeks. I didn't really have many clothes in the first place, to be honest. I admit, I'd steal money from my dad, mostly in coin form (0.25$ - 2$ coins), just so I could get lunch some days. Well, 1 or 2 days a week at most. School was a nightmare. Didn't fit in - who would want to be friends with the kid whose clothes are ragged and don't fit. School - sadly - was the only time I was away from my dad. He'd pick me up, sometimes on time, sometimes an hour after school has ended. He'd usually hit me while we're in the car, shout a lot, swear, - the usual. I'd get home and he'd swear some more, complain, shout, beat me for a while and then cook. I'd eat a ton of carbohydrates ( I only eat a few (5~) types of food, and they're either pasta or..potato related things. I've always been like that though, don't know why. Not even with anything - just plain. (embarrassing!)) - I'd spend the time till I go to bed in a pretty small room and I'm not allowed to leave (he locks it) - I only use the bathroom once or twice (if I'm lucky) during that time. Since when you don't eat regularly your body sort of goes into a survival mode where it takes in more nutrients/fat/etc. - so, in my opinion, I was getting fat (I weight about 142 pounds, I'm 5' 7.5" - I HATE the way my body looks). I slept in the same room as my dad (thankfully not the same bed) on a terrible second hand bed + mattress that killed my back (my sitting positions weren't helping neither). THe only thing that passed the time was my laptop which he'd bought for me when I arrived, mainly because of my mum. Though once he said it was bed time, that's it. Can't leave the bed for anything. Can't keep a glass of water nearby, neither. Weekends - sitting in a small room, could leave to go to the bathroom freely though which was nice. I ate whatever I could find that..I could "eat" (since I don't eat many different things..) - my dad "entertained" a female friend, she'd stay over every single weekend, in the same bed as my dad and play it off like she's just a friend, though she damn well acted like she was trying to be my mum. Even then I'd get shouted at and beat. Mostly fists/kicks, sometimes he'd just sit on my chest (he's like 200 pounds -- fat, not muscle) - felt like I was going to die/couldn't breathe. Heck - even when I'm trying to take a shower (once a week) he'd burst in and start punching me through the curtain. He's pushed me down stairs, slammed me into walls, thrown me out the house (literally). So I'm back with my mum, and maintain conversation with my dad who seems to think everything's fine ( I think something is wrong in his head, honestly ), but living with her is .. similar. I don't get hit, and I eat a lot more but I get shouted at, ignored, blamed for her "not being able to cope". I can't do anything I want. I'd like to leave the house but I can't/not allowed (wasn't allowed with my dad neither, but he had a damn barbed wire fence preventing me). I do online school, and admittedly I'm doing poorly. I just don't have the motivation/don't care anymore. I don't want to die, but I see no other way of coping. I just..sit around all day watching tv, hoping for the pain to go. I can't even make decisions for myself. I'll say one thing, then switch the next day, then convince myself to go for another thing.. :blub: I don't cut. I scratch myself with the tip of scissors/bite myself but that's it. Now and then I'll punch myself. I do miss being with my dad though. I still sort of hope that he'll be my dad one day every time I talk to him. That this is all just a weird dream. I even miss getting hit all the time..it meant that I .. existed. I guess I miss the attention a little. I can't stand being alone anymore. I like it now and then but that's it. I really want hugs (also embarrassing) but I don't get many/if any. hugging my mum/sister = weird now. It doesn't feel the same. I know there is a wall of lies separating me from them (both their lies and my lies). I always lie awake at night, sometimes up to 6 am, just thinking it all over in my head, over and over and over again and crying. Sorry for the long story..but that's me..I guess. Feels weird having a written "confirmation" of sorts.