:/ Where do I start? What do I say? I think the reason I'm posting here is quite obvious. I'm 27 years old, born and raised in the Midwest, but now reside in the mid Atlantic region. I've been married almost six years. I have a 3 year old son, and a 2 month old daughter. I have a job, own a home, I have many friends whom I assume love and care for me, I'm close with most of my family, I have hobbies, and passions. Why on earth do I feel like I do?! That is the million dollar question. To start, it may be important to say that I've had suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember. Going back to 2nd grade I can remember going to sleep every night, EVERY NIGHT thinking about, and even dreaming of different ways to end it. It would always be in front of the school, with everyone watching. I had no serious feelings or attempts for many many years following. My first attempt, was shortly before 7th grade. I tried hanging myself in my parents garage and was obviously found before the deed was done. The incident was cast off as attempting to grt attention. About 8 months later, I started smoking pot on a regular basis. Even though its claimed as a depressant, I honestly believe that is the reason i have not completed an attempt since. I would attribute my youthful attempts as attention getting devices and cries for help. But after high-school, I stopped telling people my intentions. After high-school, I joined the navy. I hated it. I toyed with the idea of ending my life quite often at this time. I could not smoke pot to counter my feelings. Sometime after bootcamp, I stabbed the vein in my wrist not to kill myself, but to feel something. I fell into an extremely deep depression and even went to a doctor about it. Which in itself could have jeopardized my naval career, because I was in intelligence. I ended up only serving 2.5 years and being released for failing a ua, for thc. I've been to multiple therapist and psychs, but usually do not follow up, because they don't seem to want to help from the get go. I've been on many anti dependants, and anti anxiety mess, to no avail. The only thing I've found that works for me is pot and when I get extremely down xanax. But my doctor will not prescribe them to me, don my mom gives them to me when she can. I'm at work, typing this on my phone, when I really should be assembling this engine. So I need to cut to details and fill in later. My father is a little over a year long into his battle with lung cancer. As much as I hate to say it, he is slowly losing. This is killing me, watching it happen. I love my wife with all my heart. I am happy with her for the most part. With the exception of here lack of physicalness, lack of support for my endeavors and her lack of drive to do anything for herself (ie. Make friends, go out,have a hobby, have her own life). I know she's tired and does a lot around the house plus work. But I wish shed do something for her. When I don't get the affection I need, it sends me deeper in depression, resulting in me not wanting to do anything, which intern makes her have to do more and the cycle just goes around. My main issue is the lack off affection and mainly sex. This has made me "look" elsewhere. I have not acted on these feelings. It makes me feel like a shit bag to just think them, let alone do it. But nonetheless the feelings are there. I cannot talk to her about any of these feelings, because she gets offended and defensive and makes me feel worse for feeling how I do. I made a promise the day we got married and I intend to keep that promise. I cannot/will not leave her. I can't imagine not being with my kids. I can't imagine someone else raising my kids. I don't want to die. It hurts to feel the way I do. To think of what I may put my kids and family through by completing the action. But daily life hurts. Me being in the mental state I'm in isnt doing anyone good, by being around me. Which makes me digress into myself even more. I cannot type anymore right now. There's so much more I want to say, to clarify. I feel just by posting this I look like an unstable idiot that needs professional help. I feel im beyond that though. Idk. I may he back to post more. hut I need to get to work. Thanks for reading. JustJade.