Discussion in 'Welcome' started by JustJade, Feb 11, 2011.

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  1. JustJade

    JustJade Member

    Where do I start? What do I say? I think the reason I'm posting here is quite obvious.

    I'm 27 years old, born and raised in the Midwest, but now reside in the mid Atlantic region. I've been married almost six years. I have a 3 year old son, and a 2 month old daughter. I have a job, own a home, I have many friends whom I assume love and care for me, I'm close with most of my family, I have hobbies, and passions. Why on earth do I feel like I do?! That is the million dollar question.

    To start, it may be important to say that I've had suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember. Going back to 2nd grade I can remember going to sleep every night, EVERY NIGHT thinking about, and even dreaming of different ways to end it. It would always be in front of the school, with everyone watching. I had no serious feelings or attempts for many many years following. My first attempt, was shortly before 7th grade. I tried hanging myself in my parents garage and was obviously found before the deed was done. The incident was cast off as attempting to grt attention. About 8 months later, I started smoking pot on a regular basis. Even though its claimed as a depressant, I honestly believe that is the reason i have not completed an attempt since. I would attribute my youthful attempts as attention getting devices and cries for help. But after high-school, I stopped telling people my intentions.

    After high-school, I joined the navy. I hated it. I toyed with the idea of ending my life quite often at this time. I could not smoke pot to counter my feelings. Sometime after bootcamp, I stabbed the vein in my wrist not to kill myself, but to feel something. I fell into an extremely deep depression and even went to a doctor about it. Which in itself could have jeopardized my naval career, because I was in intelligence. I ended up only serving 2.5 years and being released for failing a ua, for thc.

    I've been to multiple therapist and psychs, but usually do not follow up, because they don't seem to want to help from the get go. I've been on many anti dependants, and anti anxiety mess, to no avail. The only thing I've found that works for me is pot and when I get extremely down xanax. But my doctor will not prescribe them to me, don my mom gives them to me when she can.

    I'm at work, typing this on my phone, when I really should be assembling this engine. So I need to cut to details and fill in later.

    My father is a little over a year long into his battle with lung cancer. As much as I hate to say it, he is slowly losing. This is killing me, watching it happen.

    I love my wife with all my heart. I am happy with her for the most part. With the exception of here lack of physicalness, lack of support for my endeavors and her lack of drive to do anything for herself (ie. Make friends, go out,have a hobby, have her own life). I know she's tired and does a lot around the house plus work. But I wish shed do something for her. When I don't get the affection I need, it sends me deeper in depression, resulting in me not wanting to do anything, which intern makes her have to do more and the cycle just goes around. My main issue is the lack off affection and mainly sex. This has made me "look" elsewhere. I have not acted on these feelings. It makes me feel like a shit bag to just think them, let alone do it. But nonetheless the feelings are there. I cannot talk to her about any of these feelings, because she gets offended and defensive and makes me feel worse for feeling how I do. I made a promise the day we got married and I intend to keep that promise. I cannot/will not leave her. I can't imagine not being with my kids. I can't imagine someone else raising my kids.

    I don't want to die. It hurts to feel the way I do. To think of what I may put my kids and family through by completing the action. But daily life hurts. Me being in the mental state I'm in isnt doing anyone good, by being around me. Which makes me digress into myself even more.

    I cannot type anymore right now. There's so much more I want to say, to clarify. I feel just by posting this I look like an unstable idiot that needs professional help. I feel im beyond that though. Idk. I may he back to post more. hut I need to get to work. Thanks for reading.

  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Just Jade,,I know what you mean about getting caught in the military.. I was in the Marines and got caught with a pot pipe during a surprise wall locker inspection..They let me go to Okinawa and my captain there railroaded me out..I agree that pot helps but it's illegal and I am to old to go to jail..I hope you find a home here.. The members here are very friendly..
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Just want to say hey, and welcome. You don't look like an unstable idiot, you look like someone who's reaching out, looking for some support. I hope you find it here, drop me a PM if you ever feel like talking.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want say and glad you are reaching out here hugs to you
  5. JustJade

    JustJade Member

    Thank you for the warm words.

    Shortly after posting this, I had a really bad panic attack while driving. I started thinking that maybe I really do need to seek professional help. But then I started thinking of the implications that action may have. How it could possibly change the way people view me. My wife said shed leave me if I got suicidal again, she does not understand. I'm afraid of her finding out, thats why I can't seek help. I'm afraid of what my manager and coworkers would think, having to face them if/when word got around that I'm in therapy. I'm afraid to find out that I have a serious mental illness. I'm afraid to be committed, ot he put on a cocktail of drugs. I guess I'm just afraid. Most of all, I'm afraid of myself lately.

    I'm currently safe and as stable as can be, thanks to the xanax.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Glad you're safe right now. Panic attacks are horrible, I used to get them.

    It's sad that your wife doesn't seem to understand that suicidal feelings aren't your fault, it's not like you're choosing to feel suicidal. I can see where you're coming from, about being afraid to get help. Is there any way you could go somewhere that's not in the town where you live? Somewhere far enough away that people wouldn't know you and would be less likely to talk to someone you know.
  7. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm really glad you found the strength to say as much as you did. I wonder, does your wife have a post natal depression? It could be one reason why she is so harsh with regards to your feelings? Just a thought.

    You do not loook like an unstable idiot at all. You look like someone who is not well right now, knows that, and is trying to get the right help. That ain't no idiot my friend.

    Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
  8. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

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