Discussion in 'Welcome' started by coleridge, Mar 11, 2011.

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  1. coleridge

    coleridge New Member

    I am a 57 year old man. I have experienced 'depression' for as long as I can remember. Alcohol and drugs, then alcohol and weed, now just weed modify my brain chemistry, to what end I don't know. The search for peace. To shut up that voice. Just being selfish, according to many.
    I have travelled the world, loved, had children, been kind, been an asshole. Apart from finding G-D, ticked all the boxes. But soon, it's time to go. I am worn out. I don't have the energy to do it any more, or a reason to prolong this succession of Groundhog Days. It won't be done in a desperate emotional despair. I'll even take my clothes to a charity shop and empty the garbage first.
    I think my children will understand, they grew up with Daddy being in bed for days at a time 'ill', I hope they will be happy that I don't have to do it all anymore.
    Or is that just my 'selfishness' being rationalised, so that I feel free enough to commit the ultimate 'selfish' act?

    I have sat and re read the above for half an hour. I can't see that it will be of any value to anyone but I will press submit anyway.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    First off i want to say HI and welcome to SF i am glad to see you reaching out for some support hugs

    I am feeling the way you are as well i have lived my life worn out i am. You children will miss you and be heartbroken you are still young and they will need you always Perhaps talk to your gp okay maybe get on some of the new meds for depression so the years ahead won't seem so monotonous but will be ones that bring you new life and joy hugs to you
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...as TE said, so glad you did...there are so many ppl who can relate to what you have written...self-medicating and many of us not doing such a good job of it...have you been to a doctor to be Rx'd any medication? Maybe that might be a helpful route...welcome again and please continue to post and let us know how things are going...J
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums :hug:
  5. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF and boy do I know how you feel. Just the other day I referenced my life to the same movie. I am very over it but also know I need to stay. My son and future grandchildren will need me to help them through this bowl of crap we call our life. I am in my late 40s and my son is only 11. He has a lot to learn and only I can teach him. His children will also need my help when things go wrong so I have to stay here, in this life. I cant let them pioneer this life alone. Not very fair to them if I throw them to the wolves........hope you have picked up what I threw down.....have a good day.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I hope you are able to find the support you need while here with us. You will find many people that can understand and relate to what you are going through. Just knowing you aren't alone can be helpful. :hug:
  7. coleridge

    coleridge New Member

    Thanks for your replies.
    Yes, I have been through the pharm farm, from librium and valium in the old days to the new 'wonder' SSRI's. Narcoleptic Smarties.
    It's strange how someone like me, with no self worth or sense of purpose or optimism, can baulk at ending this exhausting misery because of their grown up children and the effect it may have on them.
    Because they need me? What possible benefit is there for them in me being around, no sense of fun, no help, just a miserable negative presence going through a pantomime of being functional?
    Because they love me? "Me" as I am now is not loveable, pitiable or contemptible possibly, but not loveable in any constructive way.
    Some genetic imperative? My father died of natural causes 20 years ago last weekend and I thought 'how often have I thought about him since?' And the answer, honest answer, was 'not very often'.
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