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First I would like to say sorry for the long post.

My name's Bethany (Beth for short). I am a 21 year old chick (not yet a woman, but not a girl any more, imo :P). I have a son who will be 5 in July, but he's over 1.8 thousand miles away with his father, whom I broke up with 3 years ago. I don't know where to start because everything has something to do with my depression starting around age 10. But I just need someone to talk to, someone who would understand, I feel so alone.

My mother, also, suffers from depression, apparently she stopped trying to kill herself when I was 4 years old. Other than my family, I've always been alone; I don't make friends easily. I used to, and occasionally still, cut myself, but I've been trying so hard to stop for my son. Before I had him, I thought the only thing to really give my life meaning was to have a child, I didn't really want one early, but that was the way I felt. But now he is the only light in this dark world that I see.

I moved to Missouri from California, there I had medical coverage, but since I've moved here they've denied me twice now. I was doing well when I started taking zolaft, but now I have no money and no way to get it, it just seems like everything in my life sucks. I some times honestly feel like I was born just to be some twisted god's sick source of amusement. I was my mother's "miracle child", she tried to abort me 5 times, so that plays a part in the "sick source of amusement" part.

The thought of suicide crosses my mind often, if not once a day, but I do not have it in me to act upon my thoughts, though it's a good thing, sometimes it really doesn't feel that way. Once, when I was pregnant, I got so upset I took a pair of scissors and just started hitting my arm with them. After the "psychotic episode" faded, I realized just how bad it was, I probably needed stitches, but in fear they'd take my son away once he was born, I didn't go to the hospital, instead I wrapped some gauze and tape around my wrist, when asked by my parents I told them it was just a bunch of tiny cuts. Another time I did the same thing, but on my leg, it was pretty bad, though it would clot up, if I stood, it would instantly start bleeding again. The closest I came to actually attempting is when I tried to choke myself out, stupid, I know, but I hated my life and who I am.

Again, I'm sorry for the long post, there's a LOT more that I want to say, but I think I've said enough for now.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi there i am sorry your life has been so hard. Can you phone your doctor let him know you have no coverage for your meds and see if he can help you out by helping you get on medicare. There must be a way for you to get coverage for those much needed medication. I hope others here that live in US can help you with some ideas i am glad you are reaching out here, YOur child i am glad brings you so much joy and light you deserve happiness and peace.
Well, I don't have a doctor right now. Last one I had was in California, but I don't know any information because my social worker took care of that. I was in a group home after I turned 17 since my mom had left California and I was staying with my son's father at the time, but due to a drunken stuper, I was yelling about someone who was stalking me and the neighbors called the cops, so that's how I ended up there. Now the problem with that is I don't know how to contact my social worker, it's been so long and I've also moved making it hard to find any of my old information, heck, I even lost my GED "diploma" or what ever it's called. >_<
Hi Bethany :) I'm sorry that you are struggling right now, I am glad that you have found this site, and hope you find the kindness and support that you deserve. Please keep posting and telling us how you are doing. Take care
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