I really don't know what to type, personally. Some things seem just absolutely irrelevant as I've said them 100 times before. I don't know what I'm thinking right now, and I'm really feeling lulled about the whole ordeal. I've had suicidal tendencies for years now. "Attempted" it a few different times, almost pulled it off november of last year, too damn bad the paramedics brought me back. I used to be a "Cutter" mainly just as a remedy to alleviate what I was feeling, and of course for attention. I could whine like a coward allday about how bad my problems are, but there are people with worse, I know this. Hell, I've tried for help, I was on several different medications ranging from lexapro, zoloft, depakote, risperdal.. christ there really too many to even remember. To top it all off, the last time I went, my psychiatrist ended up commiting suicide a few weeks after I seen him. I'm 20 years old now. It really all started well before that when I walked in on my mother in a pool of blood, and stoned out of her mind, then she looked over at me and said "Look at what you've done to me". My father used to beat her pretty bad, he checked out before all that happened. I was 12 when all that took place. Had no idea how to deal with it, so I cut myself off from everyone, and everything. Ended up dropping out of school at 15, then basically stayed in my room for 3 years, until I decided to see the as mentioned before the psychiatrist who killed himself. During my previous bad depression which lasted from when I was 16-18 until I met my ex-girlfriend.. That's when I started cutting a great deal, of course I'd never go back to that, as I end up regreting it anyway, and just give me more incentive to kill myself which I don't need. Then eventually I met my now ex-best friend who really messed me up. Got me into some drugs, and different things which I finally got away from. Just got out of a relationship about a month ago, she was cheating on me with a guy who was a friend of mine. Hey, it happens, can't say I blame her. I really did love her a great deal, the only person I had been with my entire life that helped me forget everything, and focus on my future. That's over now, and I'm not sure where to even go from here. Top it all off I lost my crappy job because I've been too depressed to even motivate myself to any extent. If this comes off as whiney my apologies. Tried to keep it as more of a story about my life, than a huge attention whine fest. I just don't know what to do anymore, what I want out of life seems to elude me at every corner because of my emotional scars. I am completely, and utterly lost here. Alone, Jobless, and no motivation to even care now because I've been let down so many times. I'm not ignorant enough to not realise I don't have a choice, the damnable misery of it is the fact when I choose to make that choice I end up falling along the way, and I'm sick of it.