You may receive an error message when sending PMs at the moment. The message you're trying to send has been sent and if you refresh your screen, you will see it. Otherwise you may get many repeated messages. We're working on this!
Thank you! You're all so nice :hug:
I have everything. Family (my mom has some problems with depression, but she is great and loving, she is the sun in my life, the best person that i know...My dad drinks too much (in my opinion). I noticed it. But he hides it well. He always talks with me, he gives me tons of money... just to stay shure i have everything. i love inteligent conversations with him.- i love my family and i feel loved too. my family is the best ever. they give me everything and more...), friends, good grades, ... but i am so sad I can't help myself but i don't find any joy in life. I feel so alone and cold. Shure, i can be happy at times. But the real me is nihilistic, misanthropic, quiet person that prefers solitude. I used to have hope.
Last week i had a drunk afair with someone. I had a crush on him forever. And he had it on me too. Now when i could actually be happy with him, i refused him. I don't know why. I still like him, but i don't want him. I want something, somebody else. Something different.
Im so confused. I don't know what i want. I wan't him, but i don't. I feel like abuser. And he is my schoolmate. How will I be able to look at him every day. And now when i refused him, i don't have a feeling that i will ever ever be happy. I want to be, but not with him. But how will i be able to love somebody else, when i have some kind of feelings for him. Please tell me that they are fake, cuz i really don't want to like him.!
I don't want to live right now.
This event crushed me. I can't stop crying and feeling like shit.
I know that my problmes arent enought big to feel suicidal but i do. I want to hide, and never come back. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like i will be never happy again. (i really wasn't for ages, without the real reason.. but now even my hope is gone) .
I'm scared. I told about my feelings to my friends, but no one takes me enough serious. That hurts and makes me want to kill myself even more. But on the other hand. I don't want to die. I want to be happy and loved. But how can i keep on going if there is no sense.
And another thing. I know it sounds wierd... I used to like beeing ''sad''. But this sadness at the moment is not something that i enjoy. It's really painful. I don't know what to do.
I feel like a total bitch who has everything(well it's not ideal, but i'm still on much better position that other people). I don't even deserve to be sad .
Damn I rewrited this message 100 times and it still isn't the way i wanted to be.
And i often talk toooo much (like now). But sometimes there are days when i don't say a word.
Sorry for my bad englis and thanks for reading this way too long nonsense. - I doubt that anyone has will to read that long essay.
I tried to keep it short and tell only important things. But huh, i failed . And i still didn't told everything.
And now when i writed it, i feel little better.