Thank you! You're all so nice :hug:
I have everything. Family (my mom has some problems with depression, but she is great and loving, she is the sun in my life, the best person that i know...My dad drinks too much (in my opinion). I noticed it. But he hides it well. He always talks with me, he gives me tons of money... just to stay shure i have everything. i love inteligent conversations with him.- i love my family and i feel loved too. my family is the best ever. they give me everything and more...), friends, good grades, ... but i am so sad I can't help myself but i don't find any joy in life. I feel so alone and cold. Shure, i can be happy at times. But the real me is nihilistic, misanthropic, quiet person that prefers solitude. I used to have hope.
Last week i had a drunk afair with someone. I had a crush on him forever. And he had it on me too. Now when i could actually be happy with him, i refused him. I don't know why. I still like him, but i don't want him. I want something, somebody else. Something different.
Im so confused. I don't know what i want. I wan't him, but i don't. I feel like abuser. And he is my schoolmate. How will I be able to look at him every day. And now when i refused him, i don't have a feeling that i will ever ever be happy. I want to be, but not with him. But how will i be able to love somebody else, when i have some kind of feelings for him. Please tell me that they are fake, cuz i really don't want to like him.!
I don't want to live right now.
This event crushed me. I can't stop crying and feeling like shit.
I know that my problmes arent enought big to feel suicidal but i do. I want to hide, and never come back. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like i will be never happy again. (i really wasn't for ages, without the real reason.. but now even my hope is gone) .
I'm scared. I told about my feelings to my friends, but no one takes me enough serious. That hurts and makes me want to kill myself even more. But on the other hand. I don't want to die. I want to be happy and loved. But how can i keep on going if there is no sense.
And another thing. I know it sounds wierd... I used to like beeing ''sad''. But this sadness at the moment is not something that i enjoy. It's really painful. I don't know what to do.
I feel like a total bitch who has everything(well it's not ideal, but i'm still on much better position that other people). I don't even deserve to be sad .
Damn I rewrited this message 100 times and it still isn't the way i wanted to be.
And i often talk toooo much (like now). But sometimes there are days when i don't say a word.
Sorry for my bad englis and thanks for reading this way too long nonsense. - I doubt that anyone has will to read that long essay.
I tried to keep it short and tell only important things. But huh, i failed . And i still didn't told everything.
And now when i writed it, i feel little better.