Hello...

[suicide.anonymous]

So I really suck at these, but here's an attempt..

Hello I'm 27, live around Seattle and have been depressed since I was 11. Started cutting at 13, but I didn't get officially diagnosed until I was 21 because my father didn't believe in mental illnesses and depression, I just wasn't trying hard enough to keep a positive attitude. If I would just keep smiling, the whole world would be fine and I wouldn't have any problems at all.

My mother finally got me in to see a doctor who officially diagnosed me as Rapid Cycling Bipolar 2 with suicidal tendencies and major depressive episodes, combined with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic attacks, post traumatic stress syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Wonderful. So what does all that mean? It meant that I got to take like 15 pills a day because he kept upping my lithium intake (I think I was on like 2800 mg by the end of it) and I tried like 6 different anti-depressants and a couple of other pills to counteract the side effects of those, as well as the anxiety medication and blah blah blah... I got sick of taking all those friggin' pills everyday when they weren't doing anything for me, I was still depressed, still suicidal, still having panic attacks, so I quit taking them... and I've just kinda been dealing with it ever since...

It's gotten worse, recently.. I've started cutting again, not frequently, but occasionally.. I have 'bi polar rages' every now and again, screaming around my house throwing things and hitting walls and just kinda freaking out in general... although, not while anyone is there, of course.. but I'm sure the neighbors can hear it and wonder what the hell is wrong with that girl in there...

I have these episodes where I can't stop crying, even though I know there's no point in crying, it's not going to solve anything and if I really wanted to fix it I'd get up off my ass and FIX it but instead I can't seem to do anything but lay there and cry about how miserable it all is... My love life has been a complete mess since I broke up with my boyfriend a couple years ago over drugs and money and an eviction battle, though I managed to keep the trailer...

So, I live by myself, with my dog and my two cats.. I'm head over heels in love with one of the neighbor boys who's 8 years younger than me, and one of the neighbor men who's 21 years older than me is head over heels in love with me, so it's a constant love triangle, which doesn't help the mental stability thing at all... and I mess around with drugs, cause they make me feel better, except when it comes time to pay the bills and I found out that I've spent WAY too much money and now can no longer afford to pay anything.. also a nasty cycle...

But we survive, day by day, waiting until 2012 when the world hopefully comes crashing down on our heads in a giant fiery ball. Until then, we survive.. but it sucks..

Suicide Anonymous

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi and welcome...what awful cycles...have you thought about going to a teching hospital where they will be more watchful in the medications they give you? Also, maybe you can establish a more collaborative relationship with a pdoc to tell him/her what you have taken and your experiences so that other medications can be considered? Just my thoughts and welcome again, J

 

[total eclipse]

Just want to say hi glad you are reaching out here. Sound like your meds need to changed up a bit if you are cycling like this Can you call your doctor like Sadeyes has said and let know what is happening okay so you can get some stability back Nice to have you here hugs

 

[suicide.anonymous]

stupid question, forgive me, but whats a pdoc...

I've had several people ask me why I don't go back to the doctor and get more medication... For one, I simply can't afford a visit to a doctor, since I don't have health insurance, and I certainly can't afford the barrage of prescriptions that would follow said visit..
For two, I hated the medications... I resented the fact that I was on them, I hated the fact that I have to take 15 pills every single day just so I can be considered 'normal', I hated that I have to have this stupid pill dispenser thing with the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday slots, like I'm 70 instead of 20 and I have to take these pills day in and day out for the rest of my life... just so I can be 'normal'. Well, whats so great about being normal? I'm still depressed, only now I'm walking around in this thick grey fog that lies like a curtain between me and everything else in the world..
Lithium didn't make me any better, it just made me not care... I was still suicidal, I just didn't give a crap about it.. I was still depressed, I just didn't care, it didn't matter, and neither did anything else... I would rather have my extreme lows and highs than a lifetime of nothingness, where you never feel or experience anything, because this layer of grey fog absorbs it all before it can get to you...
No, I didn't care for the meds... ( I stopped taking them about two and half years ago...)