I'm a 21 year old guy from Norway. I've just found this site while browsing the net. A little about me: I'm a young guy currently in the construction business. Part time hobbies include wood-carving as well as a fervent interest in literature(historical being the main thing). I also enjoy social events and love spending time in the nature only to be fascinated by the wild life surrounding us. I have much interest in politics and take great interest in engaging matters of global interests. I would consider myself open-minded and eager to pursue new knowledge. I guess I can be defined as a mostly outgoing person with an active social network. Work is fine, friends are all I could ever ask for. I don't have troubles in work life nor in social life. Things are just as they should be I guess. Still, behind the facade of a participating member of society I bare a heavily melancholic side which often leads to depressive thoughts. Sometimes its temptful to blame a lot on my upgrowing with alcoholism and the less fortunate way of getting to know/growing up with my alcoholic father. The way parts of my family have chosen to ignore the issue instead of facing it directly never made any progress in that matter. Sometimes I find myself extremely bitter and angry towards relative for never interfering in this situation. Being told "Your grown up now, stop blaming things of the past" doesn't really help. I never spoke truly to my father how I felt. Knowing he is not the kinda man to talk about such things it never got to it anyway. It feels like a lost cause so to speak anyway. I've been told it would help for myself , honestly it might for a bit but in the whole picture it won't. I feel like a broken individual already. My past is not the only thing that I would think is troubling me. Even thouh its unsettled and keep nagging me at times. But other than that I find actual motivation to keep my life going hard. And I won't only say this is because of my past childhood history(though it may be a contributing factor), but because I find it hard to find something worthwile to strive for in society. Something that would make my life worth living. Its a bit like Jekyll and Hyde I guess. Most of the time I manage to supress the negative thoughts and is outgoing and assumingly a pleased invididual, my family and friends would have no idea of me actually being severely depressed. In periods, repeatingly each month, I feel the strong urge to end my own life. I don't mean this in a dramatical attention seeking context. I seriously get the feeling I wish I could just pass away withouth much controversy. To the extent I would almost pursue my close family and friends to ask for understanding. I just can' take it. It tears me apart. I spend hours just to scroll down the perfect way to commit a sucide. Theres no desire to make a dramatical exit, preferably I'd just die of some natural cause as I don't fancy brutal/dramatical exits. I want it to appear most natural as possible, for the thoughts of the people left behind. And if it wasn't for the people close to me I think I would have already killed myself. I have a hard time defining my emotions and thoughts and how they are brought on, but finding this community I hoped dearly to find people in a similar situation and hopefully provide some helpful answers to my own struggles. I want to sort out my despair, my dark moments and hopefully find a way to deal with them. What I feel like I need is a community that would somehow understand what I am getting at, because I don't feel I can open myself in such a way to my circle of family and friends. Maybe I could, but I just don't find myself brave enough to do so.