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Evening/morning everybody

I'm a young male, aged 16. I've been having suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, which to be completely honest isn't very long. I've blocked out most of my childhood. I can only remember in clear details four years give or take. It's all very fuzzy. But whatever. Today, I was writing as I often do to make myself feel better. Shitty attempts at poetry. I was drawing blank. So I decide to do a free-thought-flow (cannot for the life of me remember the actual term) piece to get the juices flowing. Then I blacked out. When I awoke from what I've learned is called "black rage" ( blacking out due to some form of heavy emotional release) I looks at the screen and i had written something along the lines of " you are a fucking monster, just fucking die" over and over, then smashed my keys creating the typical "asfuajsdj" pattern. Then i just sat there crying. Composed myself and went outside for a cigarette.

This was the first emotional outbreak I've had in a long time. I have just recently moved, and in doing so, I have lost the one thing in this world that made me happy. Before I moved, I had literally just found what made me happy. I was planning to kill myself after a secret failed attempt and so I was trying to do good things for people before I ended it. bucket list you know? Cleaning the house, helping people with their homework. all that stupid junk. Anyway, my friend was hanging out with me, and he was IMing some girl that he knew. she went to our school and was in the year below ours. She had just learnt that she may in fact have a brain tumor and would die soon. So she was talking to him for support, but he didn't know what to do. So I offered to help.( just so you all know, she got the results back and she tested negative for a brain tumor and is very alive and well today. )

I started talking to her. I helped her with her issues, told her I'd be there for her no matter what. She was having so many problems. On top of the supposed tumor her best friend has just abandoned her and her father was extremely emotionally abusive to both her and her mother. I just felt so bad for her. I just had to help. And i tired my very best. We started talking every day, sharing issues. And eventually , I slipped about my planned suicide. She convinced me not to and by some miracle, I listened. We spent so much time talking online and going out to movies and shit. We weren't dating. Just friends. She made me feel so different. Almost like I was on drugs. Nothing mattered when I was with her. I don't know what it's like to be happy, but if I had to guess, Id say it was that. We were best friends for 3 years, then early last year, She got a boyfriend. He was a sexual deviant and an abusive asshole. Four years older than her and still trying to sleep with her. It made me feel so angry and sad. But I wouldn't let my demons resurface. I was so scared of hurting her. We had both had suicidal thoughts and previous attempts, but we made a promise that if one of us did it, the other would. I loved her too much to let her end her life, so I suppressed my urges. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. and the Asshole BF made it worse. Told all of his soccer team buddies to threaten me and He said if I spoke to her again, he'd kill me. Still I wouldn't let myself give in to my urges. She mattered to much. that went on for a year. I wasn't allowed to speak to her in public. We had to secretly arrange meetings just to talk. slide notes covertly into each-others pockets. It was hell. I couldn't even hug her in public. anyhow, a Year. And then my dad told me He had 6 months to find a new job or we'd get deported from SA ( we had been living there on a workers VISA for 13 years, never applied for citizenship). So I had about six moths left with the girl I loved and my only source of "happiness", and I couldn't see her because of fear of getting my ass handed to me by somebody bigger and much stronger than myself.

I was miserable for the whole 6 months. I was unapproachable and nearly flunked out of school. It went on for months until it was about a week until i left. They broke up and I received this on facebook from the AHOLE BF.

"ey watsup guy. i jus wana apologise 4 hw i ws to you last year, im sori 4 bein a jerk to you. Probali dnt mean shit to you bt yeah, jus wntd to apologise. Hapi new year nd wish u well in canada man"
to which I replied

"No hard feelings man. Same to you. Good luck with Uni and all else that follows"

and about ten minutes later after processing what just happened, I wrote this.

"You know what bro? i do have hard feelings. I dont think you can ever understand how much shit you put me through. Let me try shed some light.

Jacky has been my best friend since long before you even knew she existed. She has been my reason to get up in the morning and the only thing that keeps me from killing myself. Our relationship has evolved way past the way of " I like her". I honestly have unconditional love for her. Something I don't think you will ever understand. And you know what? I was there edging her on to start dating you. I urged her to start something with you because it would make her happy. And when she was hurting because of the stupid shit you did and don't fucking deny you did it i was there telling her to give you another chance. I was pretty much helping you out this entire time and what did I get? " I wanna kick your ass"," stay away from my girl"? what the hell?

Do you know what it feels like to Move continents at such a delicate stage in life? Its fucking murder. All my friendships are pretty much dead. I need to start a new school, I need to readjust my entire fucking life. All I wanted was to Spend time with the one person i truly cared for. Find some solace with her. And you came around and fucked it all up for me.

You couldn't just accept that maybe she has a friend that has a dick that doesn't want to fuck her. Ever think that? Obviously not , because of all the shit you talked about me? *[asking his friends to kick my ass]*? What Juevanile bullshit was that? Honestly, you act like some tough motherfucker but you never had the balls to even tell me your issues to my face. I don't buy the tough guy bullshit and I don't think most people do. If you were really a big boy you would have acted like a 18 year old and not some 13 year old with too much fucking testosterone. Face your problems like a real man.

Now Im leaving tomorrow and I have barely spent time with her. I feel fucking empty inside. And I blame you entirely. I hope you grow the fuck up because frankly I pity you. I pity your future wife for having to put up with your jealous cheating ass. Seriously, Take your apology and shove it. I refuse to let you think that some shitty one paragraph apology could possibly fix all the damage you've done to not only me, but my relationship with Jacky. I will never forgive you for this.

Go Fuck yourself

[my name]( not some guy you disrespectful ****)
anyhow, I spent the week with her. Then I left. I still felt empty. Like More than I ever had.

It's been six months since I left and i'm more miserable every day. All i can think about is her , and inbetween thoughts of her, I feel my demons resurfacing. I feel so alone here. All I do is drink and smoke weed, I've lost my artistic flare, I can't write or draw or play music anymore. And I'm slowly starting to forget what it felt like with her around me. It's just so nauseatingly empty being alone and miles away from everything that matters to me. Today was my first scare. And I'm almost positive there will be more to come.

Thank you for your time. Pardon the incoheriency. I'm a little shaken.


Well-Known Member

May I ask if there is a particular reason why you and Jacky are not boyfriend/girlfriend?

Either way, you can keep communicating with Jacky. You know how important your emotional support to each other is…

Things may change. If it’s meant to be, you and Jacky may be together again somehow. We can only do what we can now. If we can accept and face the reality, wonderful things can happen in our life situations… Also, be open to new opportunities for friends…

Please remember how important your well-being is to Jacky!!

Wish you well!

p.s. It’s understandable that you responded to the “AHOLE BF” the way you did. Who knows, your response may really help him grow up in a way…
Well I always found the highschool relationship to be a bit shallow. Cared about her too much to loose her over some meaningless titles. I think it was better that way. To be completely honest, I did have days where I asked myself the same question. but yea... Stand by just being friends I suppose. I do crave for a future.

I try to stay in touch with her, but while I've been gone so much shit has gone down. She almost got raped an older group of drunken males, shes started smoking a lot of weed, hooking up with random people and parties. I just wish I could be there to offer her the support her farther doesn't. She's an extremely attractive girl and make take advantage of her because she's so caring. There's only so much you can do over text.

At this point, I doubt she would find out about if I snap and do something. I just need to feel like I'm useful and cared for.
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