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I'm a 40-something guy suffering from bipolar disorder since my teenage years. I have never found an effect medication regimen, and over the years my mood cycles have gotten more frequent and more severe. My current down cycle has lasted nearly a year so far and has improved only a little since trying a new medication.

The worse part of my depressive phases are the constantly recurring thoughts of suicide. These thoughts have been intense for many months, sometimes to the point that it is all I can think about all day long. I suppose I don't really want to kill myself, I just can't stop thinking about it, I can't fathom living like this much longer, and I don't know how to put together the pieces of a broken life and move forward if I do survive.

When I bring it up, my psychiatrist threatens to "Baker Act" me (Florida's version of involuntary commitment.) My boyfriend, though he means well and wants to be supportive, responds with fear and panic. I have no one else to talk to.


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Welcome to the forums Island Sailor!! Have they tried putting you on a regimine of meds.. One for every illness.. I take seven meds to control my self..


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Hey Island Stranger - I'm about your age and a bloke also who has depression.

I guess it 'seems' like it gets worse as were at a funny age - a kind of last chance fling at the last chance saloon, Last train stopping at family, own home, mortgage and children central. Its a time you look back - and maybe regret things - and look forward with the regret and feel less than enthusiastic.

Its a time your onn parents are ageing or perhaps already passed away. Death becomes a reality and we are facing being the 'elders' ourselves, which is frightening in some ways depending on the kind of man your father was. I have a hard act to follow myself - popular man, clever, hard working, well known locally. Even so I want him to be around for a long time yet!

That said its a great time also - we are still young and there is still as yet time to make things right.

Not sure which 'sort' but its the one that makes you sometimes go to bed thinking "I cannot wait to wake up" and followed up by a waking up and feeling like I wish I was dead.

The fu**ed up version I guess!

Either way - welcome all the same and hope you can find this forum and website to be of as much use as it has been for me!

This is a brilliant place to be when you are down.

I never realised how many people have depression and how we all seem to be so clever!!!

And modest also.
I have bipolar disorder as well...the depressed episodes are just awful. Mine last about two weeks...but this current one has been hanging around for a little over a month.
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