hi. I don't really know what to expect by writing this here but I'm running out of options. When I was in college in 2009 I started having violent panic attacks. Initially I thought I was having a heart attack but in fact it was all in my head but I was unable to control it myself and so I was given various anti-depressants but I stopped in a few months once the physical symptoms had gone. One thing I learned from all that was that my mind can force my body to do things against my better judgement which is why I'm scared now. Recently I've been having an overwhelming impulse to end my life. I've always had suicidal thoughts but now for the first time it seems like I could actually go through with it. I can't afford to go see a psychiatrist now. I had medical insurance when I was in college so I was able to see a counselor and get medication but I've since graduated. But I don't really want to go back on pills I just want to talk to somebody. I've been wanting to do transcendental meditation but even that costs a lot of money. It's disappointing to have these thoughts because I know how much it would hurt and embarrass my family if I go through with it. What I really wish I could do now is leave home and go somewhere I can be completely alone because being around the people I love is becoming unbearable.