Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alabastard, Jun 24, 2011.

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  1. alabastard

    alabastard New Member

    hi. I don't really know what to expect by writing this here but I'm running out of options. When I was in college in 2009 I started having violent panic attacks. Initially I thought I was having a heart attack but in fact it was all in my head but I was unable to control it myself and so I was given various anti-depressants but I stopped in a few months once the physical symptoms had gone. One thing I learned from all that was that my mind can force my body to do things against my better judgement which is why I'm scared now. Recently I've been having an overwhelming impulse to end my life. I've always had suicidal thoughts but now for the first time it seems like I could actually go through with it. I can't afford to go see a psychiatrist now. I had medical insurance when I was in college so I was able to see a counselor and get medication but I've since graduated. But I don't really want to go back on pills I just want to talk to somebody. I've been wanting to do transcendental meditation but even that costs a lot of money. It's disappointing to have these thoughts because I know how much it would hurt and embarrass my family if I go through with it. What I really wish I could do now is leave home and go somewhere I can be completely alone because being around the people I love is becoming unbearable.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Ala,
    That is just the thoughts.. Try doing controlled breathing , in thru the mouth and out thru the nose.. While you are doing that try visualisation..Pretend your somehwere calm and there is a cool breeze.. That technique usually helps me regain some composure and helps to clear the head..
    Have you found a job yet?? You should be able to get medical ins. thru there..I highly reccomend a good therapist.. You may have to go thru a couple before you find one who clicks with you..Well Take care!! And welcome to the forums...
  3. alabastard

    alabastard New Member

    Hi. Breathing exercises have not been of much help to me unfortunately. I don't have a job yet. I'm not even thrilled at the prospect of talking to a professional because even that hasn't proved to be helpful.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Alabasterd - sorry to see you at odds with yourself in this way - and its good that you joined up at least. Talking about things can be costly - but what you pay one stranger to listen to others will listen to freely - some trained perhaps to a higher degree than professionals.

    In the world of the mind - its funny how the professionals are the ones who have [usually] never felt depressed or suicidal. Its like calling someone who does not kick a ball a professional footballer!

    Besides, you can read up the basics of what any psychiatrist actually reads. Most likely read a lot at college - who knows, maybe they were on Ritalin for a few months so could only replicate the same mental agility if on it today!

    Is your depression the kind that has any roots for example? You know that - I mean if there is a reason to feel depressed then you know about it. Telling us would not be easy - but it would be free and someone here will have been through the same old routine themselves.

    Depression sometimes just comes to us - no reason needed. I was lucky as I never knew about depression as a young man, awareness has increased ten or hundredfold I guess. Knowledge is easier to come by and help also - especially self help which is kind of theme around these parts. We all try to help each each other - which is like helping yourself.

    Astral projection - there are lots of books on the subject - you could download plenty I'm sure which is better than paying someone a few hundred dollars to repeat what he or she has already read! Many 'new age' (or old age reinvented) ideas should be given away if they are genuine gifts to help humanity. I am suspicious of conferences on bettering yourself which cost an arm and a leg to attend!

    You say you tried drugs - or some of them. Did any 'work' or were is all just a case of 'the drugs don't work!'. Perhaps there are new drugs or your own bodies or brains chemistry is better suited to having something now. Maybe Ritalin might help - although the cost seems high at about 70p per 15mg pill. This is more of an 'upper' which might work if your always tired and than in turn affects the school work, college, grades, social life and winning the heart of some girl.

    Take proper medical advice when using any pill. Never buy them off the street as I'm sure you know. If you need it a doctor should issue it. not sure if Ritalin is anti depressant but judging by what is in it I'm sure it would cheer many up.

    Sometimes the pills do not work - but its always worth having a go if the option is that or the prospect of becoming worse.

    Meditation, prayer, that should come for free!

    Anyhow, hope you can get a job soon - but times are hard and we all know. The time out of work is best spent trying to educate yourself. If you have computer, can you fix it if it goes wrong - or is it in the bin if it does not switch on? Are you interested in software - or coding, art or perhaps use of the written word albeit in poetry.

    There is always music - songs to inspire us - help us fight the blues.

    Your young, I'm sure life will get better the moment you really decide that it has to get better. Part of meditation is visualising something - that trains the mind and can bring us to a quiet place or a chaotic one. Visualising your life right now - you might not think that process is going on - or that you can alter it - but you can and we can. A part of us sort of oversees our own self. Its like the driving seat as it were - the controls. We can envision good things and bad things - and this is the process people with depression have difficulty with.

    You can get used to seeing only the bad - which allows us to give up the driving seat to the negative self destructive part of ourself. Everyone has internal dialogue in their mind - all of us - I remember thinking it was only me - and being thankful it was not so. We constantly 'think' and are concious of our lives. We have an image of ourself - sometimes more than one - that reflects who we are and what we feel.

    A constant them of depression is that people will say they feel like life will never amount to anything. My view is that whilst pills might well help the main 'cure' is found when we recognise who we are - and when we let someone else see us without the mask.

    Everyone wears a mask from time to time - maybe your moving away might make you change your more readily - but running away from people we love is not the answer. After all, you might meet someone - things go great and then depression hits you again. Those you love now will know that you have this going on - some will know it and maybe you could save yourself a bucket full of cash talking to them.

    Good luck regardless - I'm sure that you will find some work just as long as you make a real effort each day and every week to have a fairly sizeable amount of emails in the sent box - with CV attachments.

    It is hard to socialise unemployed - you leave school and its like you find a new set of friends. Sometimes the kids you wasted time with in school are not going to be much fun when you hang about doing nothing. Or worse - you bounce from pub to pub and back to the betting shop before more pubs.

    Work will give you a chance to meet new people and gain some confidence plus some pride as you bring home a wage - pay for your keep. Or you could rent your own place - nothing fancy as a single man hardly needs tons of rooms. It is a drag actually - to clean 3 bedrooms and not really use them all.

    All the best and hope things take a turn for the better soon.

    PS - if you need a link to self help books and so on - I have a list somewhere.

    Illegal to download some perhaps, but maybe you have no library and its not illegal to borrow a book from a library is it?

  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi ala, I am glad you are here. I consider this to be a wonderful place with kind people. I will tell you what I think. first of all, I had luck finding resources when I needed them by calling the United way. They have lists of all kinds of free or afordable resources for help. Usually they can be reached by calling 211 on the phone. I had to call more then once. Some workers there are more resourceful than others. Not all see the same thing, even if it feels to you like they have looked through everything. Often there is free help out there that you may not have realized was there.

    Supposedly when someone is having a panic attack they are often releasing a lot of adrenaline. somehow hyperventalation also figures into the mix. in my own personal expereince, I agree with this. That is why the breathing methods can be so successful in helping. But its not easy to do. and often times it takes a lot of practice and work with a professional to be able to do it yourself during a panic attack.

    I have had great expereince with medication for panic attacks and anxiety. I take something every day. And then something when I need it. And I am someone who is very devoted to alternative suppliments. And I try to stay as far away as possible from the RX medication. But I am grateful for what relief I can get. No matter what kind it is. I take Buspar every day. And I take Clonazapham (sp?) when I need it. Both are prescription. And both do help.

    I want to tell you that Panic attacks do not have to be forever. Not at all. There are many people who used to have panic attacks at a point in their lives. But they found someone who helped them with the roots of it, as well as the management of it. And they are free of the attacks now and can live freely again.

    I am glad you are here. Please know that you are cared about when you are here. Come and post as often as you need. Ask for help. Ask for support. People are glad to give that. Sending safe :hug: :hugtackles: and :rose: for you
  6. alabastard

    alabastard New Member

    Thanks peacelovingguy and flowers,

    I don't have panic attacks anymore but I've been feeling as hopeless as when I was having panic attacks.

    My counselor at school said it probably has to do with my father dying in 2008. That's probably the most obvious reason and I do try to not think about it most of the time so I guess that could be the biggest thing.

    The drugs worked I would say. When I started having anxiety/panic attacks I had endless physical pain every single day. The anti-depressants cleared them up like magic. I tried mental excercises but I couldn't fully control it so the drugs were helpful. I don't want to be dependant on them because the cliche turns out to be true -- I don't feel like myself anymore... but that may be a good thing who knows.

    I studied art in college and I'm trying to stay creative. I'm trying to finish a film project I've been working on for more than a year now and that's really the only thing that I really wake up for these days but even that's just becoming more and more like a chore.

    I agree about the stuff being available for free. I really wish I could try transcendental meditation but that costs thousands of dollars.
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    It’s interesting that you are so drawn to transcendental meditation…

    I’ve not trained myself to do transcendental meditation, but I’ve had transcendental experiences. It’s hard to explain how they happened, but I feel Eckhart Tolle’s teaching has helped with my breakthroughs. His book “The Power of Now” is well-known and can be found in most book stores around the world. Here is a link to a free download of the PDF version of the book for your quick review. You will see it may be worth having a hard copy of the book:


    Eckhart Tolle used to be depressed and had suicidal thoughts before he was 30 years old. Here is a quote from the book about his own life story:

    "I cannot live with myself any longer." This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I' and the `self' that `I' cannot live with." "Maybe," I thought, "only one of them is real."

    Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF (see page 8 for the above-mentioned story):

    Here are some video clips by Eckhart Tolle:

    Eckhart Tolle - Desire to Transcend

    Eckhart Tolle Can You Help Me Reconcile My Grief With The Power Of Now

    Escape the Prison of Your Own Mind - Eckhart Tolle

    Eckhart Tolle - 'Silence and Stillness'

    You can see that there are many of his video clips available on you tube.

    I hope you find the help you need…
  8. alabastard

    alabastard New Member

    I want to try TM because so many people seem to benefit from it but $1500 is pretty unreasonable when you're supposedly trying to cure the world of despair. I've heard of Eckhart Tolle mostly becuz of Oprah. I'll peruse the information you've provided. Thanks.
  9. maroof

    maroof Member

    Try to take up meditation to help with your breathing control. There are lots of great videos on youtube to help you.
    I used to get occasional severe panic attacks. Ever since I took up scuba diving I stopped getting them. I am not asking you to take up diving but it has taught me to control my breathing and relax in a hostile environment which I can apply on everyday basis if I am feeling panicked.
  10. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Great - and here is a weblink to a discussion forum about Eckhart Tolle’s teaching (Just click on the link if you just want to view the discussion - no need to register while the registration for the forum is free anyway):

    Re: Can the teachings of Tolle help to wean off anti-deppressants

    Wish you well...
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am glad that you are insterested in spiritual and meditation. I am wondering if there are any meditation groups where you live that are either free of charge or quite inexpensive. Perhaps you can ask around. I know that transcendental meditation is expensive. But there are so many other methods out there now.

    You wrote that you are an artist. You probably know that being an artist is not always easy. Often artists are more sensitive ( a great asset that can be hard to handle). I too had a horrible time when my father passed. I was 29 years old and was not in good shape before he died. I had to push it away because it was too much for me. Eventually of course I had to work on it.

    Most important, I do hope that in your area you can find meditation groups. Maybe start putting that intention out there. Maybe go to the new age bookstore, if you have one, and ask them if they know of something.

    I respect that you are longing for meditation. i respect that a great deal. Sending lots of light to you. :hugtackles:
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