Hello

I've had daily suicidal thoughts for at least a decade, which have intensified over time as I've aged (I'm now 32). I'm mainly coming on this site because my wife, who has known for years that I have this problem, recently lost her sister to suicide. Out of respect for her grief, I now stay silent about my own problem, but it intensifies when I never discuss it.

Still, I'm not sure I'm ready for detailed disclosures, so just let me say that this site, as I look through it, makes me feel less alone. Thank you everyone for being so candid about your troubles.

 

Hello Hoon,

I understand from your message that you're currently not visiting a psychologist, have you thought of this at all?

Its fine if you're not ready to share many details, we're here and ready to listen to you whenever you feel you want to.

 

Constantinos,

Thanks for responding. Yes, I've tried psychiatrists and medication in the past, but the financial burden, at least back then, was a little too much to maintain, and the returns were negligible. After being diagnosed with different ailments by different psychiatrists (bipolar disorder and schizo-affective disorder), and noting that whenever things were good, the psychiatrists claimed success, and whenever things were bad, they simply changed medications or dosages, I grew pretty suspicious of the entire process. I've been off medications for three years.

Of course, the simple response to this is just that I had bad luck with psychiatrists and counselors, and that's probably true. (I certainly wouldn't tell other suicidal people not to seek help!) I've considered going back, but it would be difficult to do so in secret, and I've already mentioned that I'm trying to keep my own problems from my wife, who simply can't handle them anymore since her sister's death. The stronger I appear, the better she seems to cope with her grief. I'm trying other options (like this website) in lieu of actually seeking professional help again. Perhaps that's not a good idea.

 

Not all medicine match with all people, and so psychiatrists need to change the medicine until they find the one that your organism accepts. For dosages when you first start a new medicine you will always start with a small dosage and the psychiatrist will increase the dosage over time until its in full effect.

Now you say you've visited a couple of psychiatrists, i would actually recommend you visit 1 psychiatrist as there is always the problem of different diagnosis by different psychiatrists which will confuse you.

But wouldn't your wife see it in a positive way that you're asking for help? I am sure she knows that you have your own problems so she would want you to ask for help.

 

Constantinos,

With all due respect, I'm not unaware of how psychiatrists (or doctors generally) increase dosages of medications incrementally. What I briefly described took place over a five year period. I was an undergraduate and seeing a psychiatrist through the student health center at my university. I only changed psychiatrists because the psychiatrists there were in residency and rotating through the system as part of their own schooling (that is, they changed themselves). The meetings were always highly impersonal, and I became suspicious that I was being treated like a bottle of toothpaste on a conveyor belt. Negligent treatment actually does happen in such high volume settings. I began keeping track of my own highs and lows, as well as the mild hallucinations typical of schizo-affective disorder. They stayed constant despite increases in dosages and medication changes. I continued (and still continue) to keep track of my patterns of depression and other symptoms, and find them completely unchanged from that period to now. I was, in other words, no better off during my five years of treatment than I now am in my three years without it. Depression comes and goes. Hallucinations are no stronger and no more common. Suicidal thoughts, as before, remain fairly constant (I don't need to feel depressed to have them). Some depressives (or whatever I am) simply don't appreciably respond to medication.

However, I have considered pursuing some form of talk therapy (as opposed to a medication-oriented treatment), but I simply can't afford it at this point, and I'm also generally trying to keep my experiences on the down low for now.

As for my wife, she explicitly told me to stop talking about my thoughts of suicide, not because she's a bad person and doesn't care, but because it simply reopens the very fresh wound of her sister's death. She has been, for obvious reasons, a changed person--much more insular and dismissive---since that tragedy occurred, and she also has a life she has to lead. I don't have any hard feelings about it. Unfortunately, we recently moved to a new place, and I don't have any close friends here, so there is no one else to talk to. (And talking about how I'd like to die isn't the best way of making new friends anyway!)

Thank you for your response. I hope my responses were not too terse or dismissive. I just need you to know that I know my options and have reasons for not pursuing some of the more easily recommended ones.

Take care.

 

Hello,

First my apologies for this delayed response, the country i live in is experiencing a crisis and we don't have continuous electricity for the time being.

I can understand this with changing psychiatrists, its not something beneficial for you and i understand the feeling you have that the meetings are impersonal.

This is quite important that you are keeping track of everything. It will help you for the future also if you pursue psychotherapy.

Psychotherapy will definitely help you, so once you feel ready you should pursue it.

I understand that your wife wouldn't want to open up this topics. Do you currently stay with your life? because you say that she moved to a new place.

Your responses are fine, don't worry!