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In a random series of clicks on the computer I have ended up here which is a good thing I am thinking as there is a huge resource here... lots to read!

But more importantly after a evening of wondering around the home with an inane grin on my face but rotting on the inside, I am struggling to reach out to friends. It sounds absurd really considering how great they are and that I have been there for them many times but for some reason... nothing. I guess I am worried and fearful of their reaction. Classic damned if I do, damned if I don't.

So at least this is something right? Reaching out to a random forum which I found randomly. Lots of random things have randomly happened recently. Especially this evening with some news that by rights I should have exploded in a fit of rage as a response... but I just said I was fine and not to worry.

I have been privy to these suicidal thoughts before... mostly thinking and two attempts which I back tracked on (which I was grateful!) but the thoughts are so powerful. They rob me of my feeling. I have all the classic feelings of being empty, detached, unable to express... and I just realised I contradicted myself then!

I chose my name as I read up about Existential Depression which I think I suffer from. My suicidal thoughts (feelings?) come when my life loses meaning, when I am bored, when I can't find a point to anything, when I can't express my..... etc etc. I am struggling to be/feel engaged.

So there you go... I really want to say something to someone but I just can't seem to do it. The annoying thing is sometimes the feelings seem so real and then the next day they are gone... only to return so acutely without warning.

Bit like a yo-yo.... which I was really crap at using when they were all the rage as a kid. I lacked co-ordination!
Coming here is a good thing. I was so lost and alone before I found this forum, but now that I can talk to other people who understand how I'm feeling, the feelings go much quicker than they had before, and I'm even finally able to look in the mirror again without getting sick to my stomach.
I hope you find here the support you need, and just know, nothing you say here will shock anyone, and no one will judge you. Feel free to be as open or reserved as you wish.
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