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I don't really know where to start or even why I'm sharing this all I know is I have had enough and I know so many people on here say the same thing and my story is probably no different to theirs we all seem to feel in such a dark place with no evident way out.

I won't bore you all with what is wrong with my life but in brief, I'm Gay, my partner of 7 years has left, I work 50 hours a week as a volunteer (no way out of that I'm afraid as it was my project that I started) money is non existent, I live in a very rural place in Devon, England with no friends, I have no family either (non that are close) and most important no one to talk to and in the past when I have had friends they only wanted to talk about themselves which was ok as I'm a good listener but frustrating when I needed to talk. They were great at turning my problem into trivia and how their life was far far worse. So I guess for years I just thought I was being stupid when I had an issue.

My ex partner was disabled and had various problems such as agoraphobia, anorexia and depression and I have always helped him in fact I have always ensured his needs are met but I guess ignored my own. (I know this is beginning to sound very me me me)

Now he has left, all my own issues have come to the surface and I feel like I am in a dark box that's getting smaller and smaller and I feel crushed under the weight of everything.

I struggle with making friends and am quite shy I just can't see anyway that my life can possibly get any better ... ever...

I can't stop crying although I do it in private but had to run out the supermarket the other day as something stupid got me upset I feel like no one needs me, no one would ever care if I did die. Seriously if I was to drop dead this instant no one would find me for months! that says so much about my life that the only time someone wants me is to carry out volunteer work for them, they don't want me for a beer or just to say hi.

I've been researching ways to kill yourself on a nightly basis and even though I can't see a way out I'm frightened by it.

I just think what is the point, of course I understand things might get better but I can't see how, all I know is in the blackness of death it wouldn't matter any more, I would neither feel happiness or sadness, certainly I wouldn't feel what I feel now and that's the point. As a society, suicide is wrong because people can change and you can become productive again, I'm Gay so will never have kids, I don't contribute to tax in fact I take from it through benefits making me a burden but equally, being suicidal makes you a burden to others because they need to care for you to stop how you feel but that's not bcecause they want to.. If I got help it's because they are paid to. I dunno, my life just doesn't seem to offer any value to anyone if that makes sense.

I look at my life and think where did it all go so wrong, but think it's been like this for years I just haven't realised how acidic I must be to people or boring that they don't want to be friends. (let alone lovers!)

Finally, and I know most won't believe this but since an early age I have been able to see 'ghosts' or whatever you want to call them, I hear them and feel them. Lately since I am on my own I've been seeing more of them and this isn't a gift or something I want, I'm terrified of seeing them but can't tell anyone as they would clearly see me as quite quite mad! I would add I don't have any mental health issues.. it's just something that has gone on since I was 11..my point being it is obviously linked to feeling this way and in my head the more I see, the more are possibly waiting for me (I know how nuts that sounds!)

As a foot note, I am in my early 30's I don't really drink (Only socially) and don't take drugs or anything like that. So substance abuse is not a problem.

Sorry guys for going on so much I'm so sorry to bore you with this as I know there are so many people out their who need your attention. I just can't get out of how I feel and I scare myself that my life is actually coming to an end that soon these thoughts will turn into an action and because I have no one, there will be no one there to stop me and as such I will succeed.

You don't need to reply but I do thank you for taking the time to listen.

Many thanks
Sean xx
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total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi Sean just want you to know i read all of your post you sound so alone hun.
I did not see in all of this where you took time to look after your needs as you said you are always looking out for others.

NOW is the time hun to get help for you okay talk to your doctor get some therapy try some medication okay for depression for me the meds take away the deep darkness and sadness when i need them too. I hope you do this hun YOu deserve to be happy and you deserve care and healing

Welcome to SF hun keep posting okay so others here that can relate will support you as well hugs
Many thanks Total Eclipse for your very kind post. While I feel the way I do, I am quite compos mentis so everything should be ok. The worse times are when you are alone with your thoughts for instance late at night. I have been struggling to sleep to and getting up quite early so I know that is grating on me. Unfortunetly to get an appointment for my doctor is about 10 days (NHS for you) although I did make an appointment a few days back so will see them next week.
Once again though, thank you so much for taking the time in replying to me, it really means more than you know.

Kindest regards

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Ya i know nights are the worse also days when one is by themselves. I hope you continue to talk here okay because it does help to get those thoughts out of ones head on in print Nice to meet you
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