Hello...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MrsSuperMom, May 14, 2012.

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  1. MrsSuperMom

    MrsSuperMom New Member

    I feel that even the mere mention of suicide is selfish. So, here I am feeling down and depressed and...selfish. I try to find reasoning. I work on finding a connect in my life where I otherwise feel so utterly disconnected.

    From the outside looking in, most things seem fine. I am married with three beautiful kids. My marriage is ok, we have our struggles, especially since coming forward with my depression and trying to cope with it while also searching for a method of medication that works while we peel back the layers and extract that little leech that's killing me from the inside out.

    Most days I don't feel like doing anything. Work brought on an onslaught of anxiety attacks. I have been on disability and anxiously begin an outpatient program tomorrow. I'm hopeful, though skeptical. I've prayed and prayed again and I know God will be there to navigate me through this.

    I feel selfish when I lie down in bed at night and find zero interest in being intimate with my husband. Not because of him -- he is a very handsome man...so much so that I often wonder why he is like a ugly Betty like me. The sex even lacks the normal stimulation, let alone climax. This sucks. With all of the weight I put on him from my muffed up condition, I don't understand why I can't be allowed the ability to give this back.

    I used to be so hands on with my kids. Reading, writing, letters, numbers, etc. Now, I let set up mindless tips like watching a movie or playing with neighbors rather than engaging. They still love me and they are still so bright, but I feel as though I am cheating them. They deserve a better me.

    I deserve a better me.

    I just want to be better.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...for most people, it is not what you have, as we all have something, it is what you do with it...I am so pleased you are seeking care...you do deserve to feel better, and so does your family...welcome again
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Depression sux yes i too have found less interest in things.I m glad your getting help as it does take time in finding yourself again but hang in there as it will come and you will learn how to deal with those down times.Also we are here for support also so vent whenever.I also have 4 children and sometimes its like i need to run somewhere they wont find me you are not alone but like all of us time and finding that inner strength you will get through this.Take care.
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Sadly, depression sucks all the life out of us. Our moods, what we enjoy doing, not wanting to socialise with anyone, not wanting to engage. I am glad you are seeking treatment, it is a step to being well again. You can get there and destroy the leech :hug:
     
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