Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mollyzog, May 21, 2012.

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  1. mollyzog

    mollyzog Member

    Well, i 've been dealing with depression for about 4 years now.. and I've had some ups and downs, but right now I'm pretty much at my worst.. and that's saying something cause about two years ago I attempted suicide and nearly succeeded..

    I was working a few months ago at a fast food place as a manager, so it was a pretty good job. But then the stress started getting to me and I couldn't handle it anymore so I quit.. I've been living off of social security, which i have because I can't keep a job camuse I of depression and anxiety.. and I'm living with my cousins right now..

    I don't have any friends or a boyfriend right now.. all I do with my time is sit around and watch movies and cry.. it sounds pathetic, but I can't reallly do much else... I turned 21 in april and I spent my birthday at home by myself. I would have gotten drunk but I didn't have any money to buy the booze..

    But anyway, that's irrelevant. The reason I'm writing this is because I'm getting sick of crying all the time. And I wish I had someare the best thing I've fene to talk to other than my cousins dogs.. I don't have insurance right now.. so I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can get help.. I've started burning again, which upsets me because I had gone a year without it, but I needed to find a way to feel good.. even if just for a few minutes. It's like a drug, I guess.. the endorphins blah. I'm sorry but I'm typing this on my phone and it's being weird, so excuse the typos and whatnot.

    I want to stop feeling so badly.. the only thing stopping me from taking my life is the fact that I don't want to cause my family and pain.. but I'm running ouut of options and the urges are started to take over... I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions, I guess?
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering if you feel well enough to go back to work, but on a different, or smaller scale... That is, instead of managing a fast-food restaurant, just working there as a regular staff member... Or another analogous position in terms of degree of difficulty, or the confidence with which you'd have to do the job... Hosting at Perkins or Applebee's; Register at Walmart or Target, etc. I say this because it would accomplish a couple of things: One-give you some structure to your day and a means of making money (even if it is a little bit less than before, sometimes work pays us in other ways, too & some is better than none); Two: it's a great place to meet and make new friends, and even if this doesn't ultimately happen immediately, at the very least you can establish a working relationship with some one and develop a trust to the point where you can get along well with one another and share personal stories, all of which is healthy, and will feel much improved over what you're feeling now. Isolation, boredom, and down time seem to be some of depression's best friends. It doesn't want you to get well, because then it goes away, or gets pushed to the background, when it would much prefer the spotlight or center stage. That is why you feel so lousy all of the time. It happens to us all. But there are ways to defeat it, even if it is not so simple. Beyond that--there is the professional medical help of doctors (medications) and therapists (talk). Perhaps you could find work that comes with insurance, or get assistance by some other means: community health (cheaper), family, etc.
  3. mollyzog

    mollyzog Member

    The thing is, I don't really want to get another dead-end job.. i worked so hard in high school to get good grades in my advanced classes and all that, and I got a full-ride scholarship for college, just to have it all go down the drain cause I couldn't handle the pressure.. I've never had many friends.. even as a kid I would just watch tv, but at least I was happy being alone then.. I don't see myself getting anywhere in life.. so I don't see the point in trying. I just want to not feel so bad.. when I was on depression and anxiety meds and mood stabilizers, I felt a lot better than I do now.. I just want to be able to sleep again like I used to... idk. I want to get out of this rut, but getting a job never worked before, so I don't see how it would work now.. I'm sorry, and I know you're just trying to help.. I'm just so bitter and hopeless and well, depressed...
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Hey molly. I just want you to know I can relate a lot to what you are saying. I've dealt with issues a long time myself and recently turned 21 in April as well.. I can't handle work because of my conditions and receive disability income.. My friend lost her job in December due to a mental break down.. Things kinda hit the fan and we ended up on the streets.. But anyway..

    I also don't have insurance, therapy, medications.. I know it is not easy.. I wish I could make it better for you. :( Living on solely Disability income isn't really enough to live..

    Maybe all I can really suggest is figuring something out that you enjoy to do.. Maybe.. I'm not sure.. But know you are welcome here and can come talk here whenever you are in need.. there are a lot of nice members here. :hug:
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi molly.. been there done that and it is a real son of a bitch of a situation.. the alone and down so low and practically unable to move is terrible.. if in usa then maybe dexknows.com for mental health center in your area.. perhaps they will give you sojme help at practically no cost.. also maybe some antidepressant meds at a really reduced cost.. support group there also..

    ok know you feel negative about all of these ideas.. been there done that also.. but finally things were just so bloody bad that did make the first step to get some real help.. it did help.. couple of hugs in your direction molly.. best wishes always molly.. tc, Jim
  6. Kent

    Kent Member

    Hi, molly! I think you all must be good! Now you're in a difficult position, so you will need the support of loved ones. Do you have a parent, friend, loved one? What do you like doing in your spare time?
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