Hello, I'm Rod. I've been floating around this forum for a month now and have found the courage to share my story. I struggle to talk so I'm just gonna type and hope it comes out in order and sense. I've been a severe depression sufferer for 9 years now and am suicidal. I have made 2 serious attempts on my life.... (Mod edit methods) Obviously I was saved both times and I am still confused why. I guess the depression started in 2000 after a head on collision on a highway, which took me out of work for 4 years. Then contracted glandular fever which the doctors failed to diagnose, yeah seriously. Then suffered a permanent back injury during work in 2005 took me out of work again until last year. I now live with chronic pain. Parents divorced 2006... I tried to be support for them both but they just used me as an emotional weapon against each other. Became a father in 2008. Partner cheated and left me in 2009. I'm also a smoker and regular pot smoker. My other self harm methods have included cigarette burning, cutting, starving and sleep deprivation (those two are always there but i deny the myself the chance to fix them), self medicating with painkillers. I consider myself a smart person, but I feel so dumb and confused about my condition, even after all this time and all the knowledge i have on it. I am glad this forum exists and wish that I found it a lot earlier. I have no friends left and my family completely lack understanding. I am scared of not having the energy to keep fighting. Right now I am in my safe mode, where I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I know my life is safe from me, but still a horrible place to be... feeling lifeless (oxymoron?) I love my son so much, and truthfully he has been the reason many times why i am still here. I can't forgive myself for trying to take his father from him, and I am also ashamed to admit that I resent him for keeping me here in a life of pain. So much inner turmoil. And this just confirms I am a waste of humankind. too tiring to keep typing.