hello

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Rod, Jul 6, 2012.

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  1. Rod

    Rod Member

    Hello, I'm Rod. I've been floating around this forum for a month now and have found the courage to share my story.
    I struggle to talk so I'm just gonna type and hope it comes out in order and sense.
    I've been a severe depression sufferer for 9 years now and am suicidal. I have made 2 serious attempts on my life.... (Mod edit methods) Obviously I was saved both times and I am still confused why. I guess the depression started in 2000 after a head on collision on a highway, which took me out of work for 4 years. Then contracted glandular fever which the doctors failed to diagnose, yeah seriously. Then suffered a permanent back injury during work in 2005 took me out of work again until last year. I now live with chronic pain. Parents divorced 2006... I tried to be support for them both but they just used me as an emotional weapon against each other. Became a father in 2008. Partner cheated and left me in 2009. I'm also a smoker and regular pot smoker. My other self harm methods have included cigarette burning, cutting, starving and sleep deprivation (those two are always there but i deny the myself the chance to fix them), self medicating with painkillers.
    I consider myself a smart person, but I feel so dumb and confused about my condition, even after all this time and all the knowledge i have on it. I am glad this forum exists and wish that I found it a lot earlier. I have no friends left and my family completely lack understanding.
    I am scared of not having the energy to keep fighting. Right now I am in my safe mode, where I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I know my life is safe from me, but still a horrible place to be... feeling lifeless (oxymoron?)
    I love my son so much, and truthfully he has been the reason many times why i am still here. I can't forgive myself for trying to take his father from him, and I am also ashamed to admit that I resent him for keeping me here in a life of pain. So much inner turmoil. And this just confirms I am a waste of humankind.

    too tiring to keep typing.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2012
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI Rod and welcome.. thank you and good that you finally did say it here.. you got a ton upon you now.. that is very tough.. got a son johnny myself and like you is very much the reason i am still alive and kicking..

    Rod you got any professional psych help now?? if not i think you could use a friendly , competant , ccompassionate someone with you and on your side.. stary safe best you are able sir.. Jim
     
  3. Rod

    Rod Member

    hi Jimk and thanks. I was seeing psychs but i lost my faith in them after a betrayal of trust. I only see them now for prescription repeats. And i agree with your suggestion. if only i could get that from ebay :)
     
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Rod, hi - and No one is a waste of humankind. sometimes we find ourselves landed in places we'd rather not be, that is all. We discover we think that within ourselves, we do not have the required resources to get things 'fixed'. But there is a better way than to top, although the pit can be so dark we can't see the way out.

    But finding SF and writing on it is a great place to begin. You sound to me like you do have the strength within you to turn this all around, with time, and support - never mind those who should be there for you but aren't - we are here - and I (for one) have been so low, attempted and rescued, and so know that life can begin again with a new perspective :)
     
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