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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Kyriele, Aug 13, 2012.

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  1. Kyriele

    Kyriele New Member


    I thought I was determined to finish this off. I was looking up information on suicide when I came across this forum. I wasn't looking for help though (unless you count getting proper dosages, etc ). I am under the care of a psychiatrist and have a therapist as well. So I guess those aren't working (been under care since mid-June). My situation is such that it just isn't going to get fixed any time soon, if ever. I have been in anguish since last October..literally. I must have some hidden vestige of hope or I wouldn't have joined and posted here, right?

    I'm 47 and have 5 children - 3 of whom are adult and don't live at home. The twins are 12 and live with my husband. We are separated right now due to "the situation" that never seems to get fixed. With drugs and talking and everything that goes with it, nothing is lessening this pain, sorrow, disappointment, fear. With every exhale, I seem to create new tears. Doc is adding remeron to my 300 mg wellbutrin to see if that will give it a boost or not. I did tell him on Wednesday, I wanted a lethal injection..not more drugs or talk. Got more drugs anyways. My husband has asked me not to do this..at least for a little while. He promised me back in October that he would help me to die instead of putting me through any more of this. (I think he feels that much guilt...) Point is? My kids and husband won't find me. All letters of explanation have been done for the children.

    If I could just go home......I swear to you....everything would be okay....
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Kyriele. Like you, I stumbled on this forum while searching for ways to suicide. That was over 6 years ago and I am still here. It helps when you find a group of people that understand and may have had similar experiences to yours. You mentioned you have been under the care of medical professionals since June. Honestly, that isn't all that long. Things take time. There are no quick fixes to getting better. It takes time, patience and a lot of hard work. Your meds have barely had time to work. Finding the right combination is important and that isn't done overnight either. i guess what i am trying to say is don't give up. You have 5 children, 2 of which are adolescents. what a trying time in their lives. Imagine compounding that with the suicide of your mother. Not only will they carry grief and guilt, but the stigma and shame that goes along with this type of death. Their lives will be forever impacted and they run a higher risk of following in your footsteps. You don't say what your issues are, and that is perfectly okay, but i know there are other options out there besides suicide. Let us help you explore these options. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to listen to you. I will answer as I am able. Take care and stay safe :hug:
  3. Kyriele

    Kyriele New Member

    Thank you, gentlelady, for the welcome. The plan is such that none of the family will find my body and everyone, with the exception of my husband, will believe the death was accidental...in an attempt to go home. The pain is coming from my love of my family...not because I am ignoring their feelings. I don't want to go into detail about the situation.... It was this situation that caused the depression: situational depression according to the doctor..not a chemical imbalance like so many in major depressive episodes (thus the wellbutrin instead of a seratonin reactive antidepressant, I'm being told). I just want to go home to my children/husband/house/dogs. If I could get home? There would be NO depression; no death wish. I don't even think it's that I want to "die" per se. I just don't want to live this life anymore. MY life was fine, happy, great :) No depression. No misery. Ups and downs, sure :) THIS life sucks. I kept saying that it was temporary..and not my real life. It's been almost a year..with an endless time frame in front of me: this actually IS my life now. My old life? Is the one that isn't real anymore.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, sorry to hear of your pain and your story and your longing to get home to your family. We are here for you to give support and hope that "the situation" will be able to resolve itself in some other way. I know what it is like to be in a marital situation that is in pain, too. Also, had twins :) They are all grown now, just hubby and me left, with time to take stock and view things in hindsight. I promise you, it is worth it - continuing to be here and gradually working things through to a new perspective and new hope. Everything is redeemable, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

    Do PM if you'd like to, always willing to listen hun. :)
  5. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, Kyriele.
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