Hello there! I'm a seventeen year old guy called Pucko(Dumbass in swedish) Lets get started. I've been feeling down since i was about eight and it recently went from bad to worse. I've always rejected help of all kind since i can't live with myself if i don't do shit myself. My intelligence is alittle over normal and i'm able to see problems that the most of the "normal" people cannot. I've spent the most of my life trying to ruin the life of others There's only one person in this whole world that havn't rejected me and she lives in another country so i can't really see her. Even if i could, i probably wouldn't do it because of anxiety and shit. She realised that i'm in pain instead of seeing me as a monster. I'm bad at making decisions and i always fuck up. Drugs is something that always been great to me because of the numbing effect.(Small shit like Tramadol and Subutex) I also have a untreatable disease that make my body hurt like fuck every second of my life. Because of that disease, i'm almost immune to normal physical pain.(Cuts and shit). I'm really paranoid because of my past. Nowdays, i can't trust anyone. I've tried to commit suicide three times. One time pillbottle(ended up at a hospital) and the other two was trying to cut my self til' death. Somehow i always end up at a hospital. Somehow, i like dragging my self further down the hill. Also, a question: Could psychopathy and borderline have affected me because of my parents?, cus my bro and sis is normal. (I can't describe it better with my lack of english) TL;DR: I'm unable to feel joy, lack of empathy, i'm a drug addict, bad view of myself, i'm manipulative, i can't have a social life(anxiety + paranoid), i'm kinda anti-social and i can't recieve help from anybody. I just needed to write shit. There's alot more to add but this is only a "Welcome forum". So i'll save that to later. I'm trying to find a reason NOT to commit suicide, but i'm getting tired of trying to find a solution.