I will try not to make this a long story, if it is long please forgive me. First off, I do not know what to do with my life. I'm a 21 year old male and I'm just fed up with myself. I've been wanting to just end it for a long time now. These thoughts have been following me since my Freshman year at High School but I've managed to suppress these feelings all this time but I'm now at my breaking bad. I apologize in advance but I'm just trying to collect my thoughts and type them down so if I'm jumping around a lot that's why. Growing up I didn't have much friends, I mean I had friends but the only time I ever saw them was at school. My parents divorced when I was really young and every weekend I would be with my father so I never had friends over or did I ever go over to my friends house I would be always by myself with my mother or father playing video games, that's all I had was video games, I never had a sleepover ever, which I'm guessing is important in a young kid's life you gain experience talking to another person. This has been true for me all my life even still today. I tried to do something about it my freshman year of High School, I naturally was interested in girls but I was too shy to even introduce myself to anyone. I saw that the girls I was really attractive to were always going after the athletes of the school and they were full of confidence and loud, obnoxious, and always class clowns. So I would "study" their behavior and sort of modified my personality and behavior modeled after them. I would act like them, talk like them, even dress like them and it worked, I was one of the popular kids. It was smooth sailing through out high school, but I acting like someone that I knew wasn't me and I knew this wasn't going to last. My worst fears happened after graduation, everyone I knew was preparing for college but I never did, I never made any type of attempt cause in reality I didn't know how to talk to an adult in an adult matter, I always goofed around pretending to be someone I'm not. So nearly everyone I know is in college and they are doing amazing things like trips around Europe you know that type thing. To make a long story short, I'm depressed all the time cause I don't know get out much cause I don't know how to talk to people, every time I see an attractive woman I always put my head down and try not to make any eye contact. I had a job as a waiter at a restaurant but I got fired after only 3 days cause I kept dropping dishes,dropping food I couldn't speak without stuttering so I kept getting orders wrong and that's the only job I've had. Being lonely these past years are finally taking a toll on me and I can't do anything, I just psychically can't. I can't even go to get groceries without freaking out being in public so I just know I'm going to be a waste in society, I already feel that way. I've never told anyone this cause I'm a proud person, I'm only proud though cause I want my high school friends to see me as a proud confident person cause I spent years wearing this fake persona. I don't even know who I am. I'm currently attending community college but I get made fun of all the time just cause it is a community college and I'm not doing so well just cause I can't seem to function in public. It's either I'm at school or home, that's it. I'm just so angry about myself, but then again I don't even know who I'm angry. The true me who I don't even know who that is or this fake persona i adopted, I just don't know anymore. I can't sleep at night. It's about 5:20 am here and I haven't don't remember when I truly had a good night's rest. I just need help but I don't want to seem weak to my family or friends which is why I'm here. I just feel there is nothing for me cause I wouldn't even know what to do if it was given to me. There is just one reason I haven't killed myself and it's because I don't want people to see me as a selfish weak person. Honestly though it wouldn't matter. I want help but every online place I've been to the only people that have suicidal thoughts are young teens and it just makes me feel worse cause I'm 21 and I still haven't figured anything out. Just joining this forum is a desperate attempt to try to turn things around I just don't know what to do. Thank you for reading.