Help - at my wits end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by djseno, Jul 7, 2009.

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  1. djseno

    djseno New Member

    I don’t know who to talk to.


    I’m Mike, 24 and a successful DJ for the last 8 years. I also run my own graphic design business. But right now I wish I wasn’t here.

    My girlfriend has just left me. She was the girl of my dreams, the girl I’d fancied since I was 11. She lied to me several times, broke my trust but still I fought on to keep us together, despite everyone saying I should just leave her. We also wen through a miscarriage which was horrible – devastating. I am absolutely heartbroken she has gone, she was all I had (aside my mum and sister) and meant everything to me. I can’t describe how unbelievably in love I am with her but she doesn’t want to be with someone who can’t trust her. It’s tearing me apart.

    Last year in October I was dumped from a 4 year relationship where we had a house and 2 cats together and I thought we were very happy – I was dumped 3 days before I was about to propose to her. I thought everything was finally great. My work got blamed, I was doing 80 hours in 6 days each week. I ended up being prescribed a course of Diazepan to get myself out of depression. I twice tried to take my life and I am that sick of it all now I feel like trying again.

    I feel so low all the time, I can’t sleep or eat properly. Yet when I am performing as a DJ nobody notices – I was the youngest pro DJ in the North West to be working regularly at the top level, a model professional who always plays a cracking gig. I never let this affect my work because it’s not fair on people who pay good money to be entertained. I love my job but I hate it as well because it causes such bad relationship problems. But I couldn’t survive without it, as though I crave the attention. A friend said to me I’m like a small scale Robbie Williams which I of course laughed off.

    I don’t have many close friends – 2 to be exact and they don’t live near me anymore. I find when I’m not working I’m sat alone, no-one is here or ever available because of my working hours. I’m smoking more, drinking more and losing hundreds gambling but I can’t seem to stop. I suffer with Atrial Fibrilation – irregular heartbeats – and the condition is getting worse but I can’t stop what I’m doing, as though I am getting pleasure out of it at the time. My heart condition stems from boozing and red bull. Earlier this year I had to be put to sleep and de-fibriliated in hospital after a particular bender when I was feeling really down.

    I have an amazing job, people say I’m good looking and funny but I am so down and out inside but I cant talk to anyone. My father left 10 years ago and since then I went from a high flying academic student to going completely off the rails. I did a lot of bad stuff in the first few years after he left. I was tipped to go to university to get an amazing degree, yet I ended up working part time in a supermarket – not that theres anything wrong with that for some people. The only constant in my life the last few years has been my DJ work.

    I can seem incredibly high and on top of everything when put into a entertainment situation. But away from that, when it’s just me I hate my life and myself and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just know I am feeling more and more like I don’t want to be here.

    Reading this back through it sounds pretty pathetic, but I just can’t describe how bad a lot of the last few years have been, not unless you actually knew me. I’m sick to the back teeth of getting hurt, sick of being in debt, sick of being stuck at home a lot of the time on my own. I seem to get walked all over a lot, like I’m an easy touch. I’ve just had enough. People say you’re young and have everything to live for but I have been so unhappy for so long I forget what it feels like to feel truly happy.

    I'm sick of crying, sick of feeling like so horrendous, sick of it all.

    And to top it all my car broke down yesterday and it’s £1500 to fix. Money I don’t have.

    I hope that describes it enough.

    Thank you for your time.
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    It seems like you have been through A LOT. I know that there are many people here you can talk to, including me. I would suggest seeing a therapist if you currently are not. You can PM me, or if you have an msn I can give you my name. Stay strong and be safe.

  3. djseno

    djseno New Member

    Hi ronnie

    thank you for replying to me. I just didn't know where else to turn. People just tell me to cheer up and get on, bad things happen. One issue alone doesn't seem much but a whole load together is so hard. I'm just struggling so much and there hardly seems to be any decent help in the uk. I'm terrified right now, this just feels like the only option I don't know what to do anymore
  4. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    Yes, it is hard to face all those problems you are experiencing. The best option I think you must consider is to address them one at a time instead of focusing on it as a whole. It won't be solved faster, but it can definitely make things easier.

    Please do not believe that there is no way out. We know that you want everything to go better, that's why you've decided to come here. That's a good step!

    Take care.
  5. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    It sounds like, even though it doesn't feel like it, you do have a lot of things going for you. You're obviously a very caring person and it sounds like you have a lot of talent in what you do. "Getting over it" is always harder than it sounds, and it's okay to be upset when bad things happen to you.

    If your not already seeing a therapist, maybe you could give that a try. They might be able to help you sort out the things that have been going on with you and help you come up with a plan. And, if your recent ex was lying to you, it might be good to talk to someone anyway so you don't bring trust issues into your next relationship.

    But, I think the thing for now is just to stay calm. Watch a funny movie you like or listen to some upbeat music. Do something that keeps you busy or even do something productive, that way you feel like you've accomplished something. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you. :)
  6. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi mike :hug: welcome to the forum first of all, i hope you find all the help and support you need here :smile:

    mike - you're not pathetic! so many people feel this way because of similar problems, and yours aren't any less important than anyone elses okay :smile:

    i know this may sound like something that won't fix anything, but you should really try to eat something and get some rest. everything will seem much clearer and less daunting if you do that, trust me. if you're having trouble eat or sleeping because you're depressed, those are the two things you should be concentrating on getting back to normal first because they will help you deal with all the other things.

    as for your relationships, i know if can be tough trying to get through, especially after a long term relationship where you have support and understanding that the relationship shouldn't end, such as by living together and sharing things. but relationships can end and a lot of the time it's noones fault, you just have to keep strong and know there are plenty of other people out there and one will hopefully make you really happy one day.

    you seem to really love your job, but maybe you're lacking in other activities? maybe take a little time off, or get another part time job where you can earn some more money, perhaps to fix your car/get out of debt? introducing a new thing into your life can help you deal with lonliness/loss/all sorts of things, and perhaps it's because you need something else that you're feeling so low? just a suggestion.

    also, do you have a therapist? i think it would be a good idea to talk to someone about how you're feeling. they can really help you and you could feel happy again :smile:

    good luck hun :heart: triggs xx
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    The best advice i can give you is to seek proffesional help! It really will make you feel better, and help you deal with how you are feeling.
    You could try calling a hotline if your not ready to see a therapist, that can help.
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