Help for a friend

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Shauna Lea, Jan 29, 2008.

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  1. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Hi Guys

    I really need ur help! My ex-boyfriend/best friend is suicidal. We were together for 2 years and the break up was the reason i joined SF, now I've moved on and found someone new and it's just hit him way too hard. He is blaming me for his downfall but i am happy to deal with that as i totally understand his feelings. I need ideas of what i can do to help. I have tried eveything i know! Maybe a thoughtful gift would help? any ideas of what? I'm really out of ideas and need him to get through this because i know he's better than this!

    Any help would b excellent!

    Shauna xoxo
  2. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Its a really tough situation Shauna.

    We both know why the relationship failed and it was far more to do with his actions then yours. You need to be careful that you dont let his emotions swallow you up, how to be supportive without giving false hope.

    I think the best you can do is be there to listen, encourage him to move on, let him know there is life after this. Its really hard. Im not sure about the gift, I would interpret that as a signal to try for you again, but he might see things differently.

    I would encourage his other friends to rally around him as well, be proactive in calling them up and getting in contact with him.

    If it gets worse, suggest he see a psych or councellor to help him out.

    P.S Got your PM, Im still staying with K atm, things are going ok. :hug:
  3. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    Get out of his life and sever all contact, for a minimum of six months. That's probably the best "gift" you can give him. At this point you're the main problem, there's no way you can be any part of the solution. You're sure as hell not helping with with mixed messages where your words say one thing (that it is over) and your actions indicate another.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Maybe you can ask him to come on SF?
  5. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Thanks for your replies! (So good to hear from u Matt)

    I have tried all that, i have tried to force him to see a counsellor. He is saying things like i hope you find my body, i hope u think of me every day for the rest of ur life....its so hard to hear! Maybe it is best that i stay out of the situation but i really want to help him as a friend. I dont wanna let go of him this time cause i feel like if i do it will be the end of our relationship forever and i never want a world without him. I think that's a little selfish so I guess i should jsut stay out of it. So many of my friends r going through hard times at the moment so every day is mentally draining. I guess i should save my advise for those who r going to listen to it and respect it, not for someone who is blaming their death on me..but having said that i love him so much and i need him to get through this and i know i can help....argh I'm just so confused! i dont know what's wrong and whats right n e more! :sad:
  6. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    My ex and I ended a 4 year relationship and she found someone else about 2 weeks later (good stuff isn't it?). Believe it or not, we had actually been good friends 4 years PRIOR to the relationship and although I did do my best to swallow my pride and continue our friendship, my emotions and bitterness got the best of me. After she kept trying to contact me I finally gave in and sent her some pretty nasty messages. Even went so far as to tell her that from the bottom of my heart I truly believed that I hated her and didn't care if we ever spoke another word to each other again. She never came back and I didn't bother to contact her since. I didn't want to.

    That was about two years ago. Since then I've only recently gotten my confidence back and have started approaching women who attract me at different places. Meaning forcing her out of my life gave me time to heal and move on. I never forgave her for not giving me a chance before moving on and I still don't. But it was her forcing herself INTO my life AFTER she threw away our relationship for someone else...that was what kept me from moving on and keeping myself open and healthy in order to attract other better mates.

    It's sad but the best thing you could ever do for him at this point is to let him go in every way you know possible. Don't write or call or ask his friends about him to find out how he's doing and don't respond when he calls or writes you. Then again you don't have to shut him out completely, but continue to let him know that you've moved on and that he needs to find someone else as well. It's your choice on what to do, but something awful could happen if you continue the way you are now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2008
  7. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Thank you so much Veclord! What you have said is really helpful and I'm grateful that you took the time to reply to me. I loved him for a long time after we broke up and was trying to get back with him for a year when he was pushing me away. During that time, all i really wanted was for him to respect me and listen to me and try to understand my suicidial feelings and love towards him. I guess that's the reason why I'm trying so hard not to give up on him now, I'm going from my personal experience. But as we know, everyone deals with things differently so maybe giving him time to breathe is the best thing. Thanks again for ur help!!!
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    hey shauna, couldn't you maybe introduce your friend to sf? :hug:
  9. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    It's great to know I helped. It's even more wonderful that you took to heart what I said instead of getting mad or defensive. :mellow:

    But I think I might be a little confused now. You were the one advancing on him for a year and now he's mad because you just started seeing somebody else?
  10. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Thats exactly right! I think it's the whole 'you dont know what you've got till it's gone' thing. He says he is only just realising now that he wants to b together but then some days he seems to hate me. I think the main problem is jealousy...he thought i would wait for him forever and now that i have moved on he's jealous. I feel bad because i know how it feels as he was with someone else after we broke up. I did think about taking the chance by taking him back but i'm scared for so many reasons! he lied to me for a very long time and trust is a huge issue!
  11. I am glad that you are doing better, Shauna. :hug:
  12. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Actually I'm not feeling much better now...I havent spoken to him for 2 days and i miss him and am really worried that this is going to b the end of our friendship. I love him so much and need him to b ok so at the moment i have to sacrifice and deal with the pain - but it's so hard! I dont know how to make him understand that i care for him so much and want him in my life. :sad:

  13. :hug:
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