Help I feel so guilty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Emptysoul, Apr 23, 2008.

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  1. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    I'm a gay male and Ive been seeing a guy for just over a week now and he is lovely, kind and gental. He knows I have been really depressed lately.

    About half an hour ago he was having sex with me and I started having a panic attack and flashbacks, I felt that i was reliving my rape all over again. I pushed him away and said no and he stoped. He asked me what was wrong and eventually I told him what had happned. He asked what was the reason behind it and I told him I was raped 19 months ago.
    He went all quiet then got dressed and said he had to go and he just left.

    I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself for stopping him and because of what happned. I think ive scared him away just when things were starting to get good. I dont know what to think, I'm feeling really depressed right now and I dont know what to do, it dosent help that we have been drinking all night and Ive had quite a bit. I feel scared and lonley with no-one to talk to. Ive got some sleeping pills in front of me and I want to take them all even though it will do no good. Im really really scared and upset I dont know what to do. I need some help but i cant tell my friends
     
  2. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    I cant handle this i feel like ive been pushed over the cliff. < Mod Edit - Methods >
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2008
  3. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    don't do it!!
    you're lucky to have someone at all--remember that--a lot of us have no one.

    don't be ashamed man its normal to relive things like rape, of course its scary and traumatizing and you have a lot of work ahead of you but also a lot of life so don't quit now...
     
  4. galwayguy

    galwayguy Member

    hi. im also a young gay male and havin ex issues. you want to private chat?
     
  5. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    well i seem to have lost the tramadol but have taken the temazepam all 10 of them, got nothing elce to take. im feeling a little sleepy but i dont think it will end my life as it normally takes 4-6 to get to sleep:sad: I was counting on the combination but... ha things never seem to go my way
     
  6. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    im feeling sleepy now the pills are starting to kick in, i hope i just dont wake up
     
  7. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    It sounds like your boyfriend was simply freaked out. I don't think it's the end of the world. Maybe you can go into what happened with him in more detail. If he loves you, he will be very accepting, and you can move on like you normally would.
     
  8. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member


    Rape is an incredibly traumatizing thing. Don't feel negative toward yourself because of it. It wasn't your fault. You'd have prevented it if you could have. It's going to make sex hard for a while. Give it as much time to heal as you need. If your friend can't deal with it, that should tell you something. Don't feel guilty about stopping him. You really need someone right now who will hold you and be sensitive to your own needs.

    I'm bi, with a daughter who was raped a month ago. She doesn't want a relationship right now - just friends, which is totally understandable. You may feel that way for a time.

    As someone already said, see if the guy is as attracted to you as much as you are to him, and talk to him. Sex isn't out of the picture necessarily if he understands up front what you're dealing with. He needs to be gentle with you and take his time with you. I hope you'll find the kind of people who will support you as you work through the pain of what was a traumatic event. If your friend, or whoever else may become your friend and lover, really cares about you and having any sort of close relationship, he can be a real help to you in sorting out your feelings. Panic attacks are a natural response to your trauma. You can learn what leads to them and develop some ways to cope with them. They don't have to take over your life.

    Give yourself compassion for yourself. Don't be harsh with yourself. You can find ways to nurture yourself back to health, but as you already know, it doesn't happen overnight. You can love yourself after you wake up and begin feeling good about yourself.
     
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