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help! I need a 2nd opinion on my experiences..

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by bluepotatoe, Oct 9, 2009.

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  1. bluepotatoe

    bluepotatoe Active Member

    When I was 4 my mother and I lived with another woman and her daughter in a shared apartment for about a year to save rent as we were both poor. The daughter was around 8th grade because I remember she said she was excited to enter high school next year to meet boys..

    She convinced me that it was just play and she wanted to practice on me what she wanted to do with boys, we made out and she taught me how to masturbate, she often makes me watch her shower naked, look for porn on tv, and masturbate together. She never touched me down there and by masturbating I mean mostly just dry humping.

    It was our little secret, I looked up to her then so I did whatever she wanted, obviously this is before I knew what sex is or what my private parts are. By the time I was older and figured out what we were doing I was so ashamed and filled with guilt, especially because I enjoyed the masturbation! and it made me feel worse because I grow up in a christian household, I felt like such a sinner.

    I guess my question is... does that count as molestation?

    then when I was 8 my uncle would kiss me with his tongue in my mouth, saying that is how European kiss, the only thing I really remember from those incidents is the gross taste in my mouth. I didn't know it was wrong!

    does that count as molestation too?

    unfortunately I lost my virginity to an older guy who raped me when I was 16. my mom called me ***** and said I deserved it, I think she doesn't think that way anymore but we never talked about it since, it's like she's in denial about what happened.

    From then on I've associated any sexual activities with a lot of guilt and shame and it has been really hard... I don't know what to do to get rid of it

    I've never really told anyone this fearing what they would think of me, I have gotten terrible responses before from my rape, I don't want pity but I really need an honest opinion, it's been bothering my whole life.
  2. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    All of those horrific experiences are abusive and wrong. You did nothing to deserve it.

    As an innocent child - you had no way of knowing. Of course your body reacted - that is physical reality. G-d gave that pleasure as a way to seal the appropriate relationships in place - a way to give pleasure to one you love. However, it is like when the doctor hits your knee with a rubber hammer - your leg kicks. Some stimulation will cause your body to react without it being right or wrong...it just is. Once again - not your fault.

    How do you deal with it? That is a question best worked out in a trusting supportive relationship. Maybe a counselor, or clergy you could talk to.

    Just know - the one who is filth is not you - it is the one who did this to you.

    I am sorry you are having to deal with this...Take care of yourself. :hug:
  3. bluepotatoe

    bluepotatoe Active Member

    Thank you, that really means a lot to me, I really need to hear that from somebody, it's always there lurking in the dark.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What they did to you was wrong, but none of it is your fault!!
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Sammisundae,

    Reading your post made me feel so sad :( None of this was your fault and you mustn't blame yourself.

    I'm not sure how old this girl was but my guess is that she could have been too young to realise what she was doing was ''wrong'' too.

    What your uncle did you to was abuse. You were 8, he a grown man(I'm assuming) He knew right from wrong, you didnt!!! He took advantage :(

    You really need to talk to someone about this. Keeping it inside will worsen the pain you're feeling, would you consider seeing a counsellor ?
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sammisundae, please keep us updated on how you're doing , we care :hug:
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    They were all wrong to do this i am sorry you had to go through it just know none of it was your fault none of it.
  8. bluepotatoe

    bluepotatoe Active Member

    thank you for all your feed back, it makes me feel better to know that you care.

    doll, I am assuming that she is around 13, I distinctly remember she has just started her puberty and once she got into high school she completely ignored me and stopped the game. Perhaps feeling guilty?

    I had really bad experiences with past counselor/therapist which made me jaded for a long time, I am willing to try again but I am unsure where to find a good one without health insurance. I remember the therapist I was seeing 3x a week after I was rape, she told me it was my fault and I became very angry and non-receptive. Then there were other counselors that has seen so much rape victims that they were themselves jaded and belittled my experience as "not that horrible".

    It has been a tough journey to recovery, I yearn to have a healthy attitude towards sex but I'm afraid that is lost forever.

    I have never told my family the first 2 incidents, I come from a very strict and traditional asian family and although I would really want them to know, I'm scared of how they will react. well, my dad is out of the question, he is an abusive and manipulative person who can barely remembers what I look like.

    thanks for taking the time to read my post, it really means A LOT to me. :heart:
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