When I was 4 my mother and I lived with another woman and her daughter in a shared apartment for about a year to save rent as we were both poor. The daughter was around 8th grade because I remember she said she was excited to enter high school next year to meet boys.. She convinced me that it was just play and she wanted to practice on me what she wanted to do with boys, we made out and she taught me how to masturbate, she often makes me watch her shower naked, look for porn on tv, and masturbate together. She never touched me down there and by masturbating I mean mostly just dry humping. It was our little secret, I looked up to her then so I did whatever she wanted, obviously this is before I knew what sex is or what my private parts are. By the time I was older and figured out what we were doing I was so ashamed and filled with guilt, especially because I enjoyed the masturbation! and it made me feel worse because I grow up in a christian household, I felt like such a sinner. I guess my question is... does that count as molestation? then when I was 8 my uncle would kiss me with his tongue in my mouth, saying that is how European kiss, the only thing I really remember from those incidents is the gross taste in my mouth. I didn't know it was wrong! does that count as molestation too? unfortunately I lost my virginity to an older guy who raped me when I was 16. my mom called me ***** and said I deserved it, I think she doesn't think that way anymore but we never talked about it since, it's like she's in denial about what happened. From then on I've associated any sexual activities with a lot of guilt and shame and it has been really hard... I don't know what to do to get rid of it I've never really told anyone this fearing what they would think of me, I have gotten terrible responses before from my rape, I don't want pity but I really need an honest opinion, it's been bothering my whole life.