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HELP I'm afraid I'm losing will to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, Aug 23, 2008.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Hi all. I'm on cymbalta 20 mg end of April after my first meeting with a Psych: diagnosis--Major depressive disorder. Mid May, upped to 60mg cymbalta. Taking Ambien to prevent broken sleep. The cymbalta transition caused EXTREME highs and lows in moods-I wanted to DIE! Suicide looked good but I wouldn't allow myself to entertain a plan. P gave me xanax (.125mg no more than 2x a day) for when anxiety is unmanageable. By end of June or early July, I evened out. August has been hell. I'm worse than when I first saw the Psych and getting close to how I felt during meds transition. I cant imagine living this way for the rest of my life. I think about death many times a day and I've had a few thoughts about how, just not when. I don't want to entertain when. I don't want to entertain how but it just popped in my head. I can't control my thoughts very much anymore. My mind races. Anxiety almost 75% of the day everyday for almost a week. I occasionall broke my pill in have during meds transition and took 1/2 2x in a day when needed only for a few days. Now, I have to take a whole pill! (I'm sensitive to meds, a little usually did a lot for me.) It seems nothing is working like it did--maybe making things worse? What is happening to me! Someone told me I may be Bipolar II. I see Therapist on Tuesday and will ask but I don't want another label or another stigma to deal with. Some people already are acting differently at work -- I have to take time off to go to P & T appts on a regular basis. The wear & tear of the extreme stress at work and almost losing family members to health complications over the past four years has literally drained my strength and affected my health mentally, emotionally and physically. Someone mentioned it to me yesterday, that the job had me looking very drawn in the past few months, like something was killing me--this was from a very gentle, educated man, very much a gentleman. I just received a transfer and he stated this with the comment that I seem more relaxed and happier in my new position, which is true, but these feelings don't stop. Why? I can't go on like this. I don't want to but I don't want to hurt my family and I have never believed suicide to be a solution! So how can I even think about it now. It is relentless, a beast waiting for an opportune time to devour me. What is my weapon. I believe in God & have always had faith to sustain me and my loved ones--I pray and believe in the power of prayer. But i am only getting worse. I keep hoping that there is a purpose in me going through all of this--to maybe understand and help someone someday. But right now, I question whether I will make it if something doesn't change soon. I took .125 xanax at 5 pm. It is now 8pm & anxiety is becoming near severe again--chest is starting to hurt (not heart--heart is very healthy). Can't stop fidgeting, grind front teeth almost constantly (showing wear). Scratch for no reason often & daily. Hard to focus for long on one thing, etc, etc. I don't want to go on like this. I used to be so solid and stable in my thought life no matter how I felt. No one would think I had any issues at all. All my life I was in control of my thoughts and actions. Now, I control VERY little although I try hard. Something has broken in me and the fixes are no longer working. I'm dying inside and I can no longer help myself, i'm too tired and failed too often lately when I've tried sooo hard. No one knows this--no one I know and love would understand and they would be so hurt. The one night I cried on hubby's lap and asked him to hold me because I wanted to die and was afraid I would try suicide during meds transition, he did, and wouldn't leave my side. He's a gem. But I wonder if he should have taken me to ER? When he did have to leave me at times, I was so scared. I went to work even when I couldn't function because I was afraid to be home alone. My boss had given me carte blanche (sp?) to take time off during that time knowing I was adjusting to meds. She would tell me I could leave if I wanted to, but I hurt so bad emotionally & mentally I was afraid to be alone. I USED TO LOVE ALONE TIME!!! LOVE IT!!!! I want that time to create happy things again. Beautiful poetry, sew, crochet, read, etc. Now I can't focus to do any of those things anymore so nothing is fun anymore. I want to read, but can only read a few pages at a time, can't focus on a book for longer than 10 or 15 minutes. I used to DEVOUR books. I loved to research on the net & books from the library, anything that caught my fancy at the time. I want to do that again. I want to enjoy friends and family again but its so exhausting to spend time with people, even my family and make conversation, putting on a good front when I want to run away to a solitary place in the desert somewhere. I know where I want to die. I know how to do it peacefully. I can't let my mind go to when. I'll tell my T on Tuesday. Please pray--I'm scared.
  2. Victori@

    Victori@ Well-Known Member

    AWWW...sounds like your having a real rough go! I hope you can find some support here on SF!! It really helps to let things out that are all bottled up!

    There are so many people here just like you and feel the same things you feel! Please know that you are not alone!!

    It sounds like you want to get better, I hope talking with your therapist and this site will help you out a little! I know It's hard but you just gotta keep your head up.

    If you ever wanna chat about anything PM me!!

    Take care!
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey inkspring, you have definitely found the right place. So many members understand exactly what you are describing. SF is a great place to find support and care from others. Take time to read some of the other posts and threads to see what advice there is for you. PM some of the people that have posted similar things to you. I agree, atleast you still have the drive to want to get better hun. Hold on to that and yes talk to your therapsit. I'm bipolar so if you ever want to chat about it dont hesitate to drop me a line. Hang on and know that you are no longer alone. Added you to the prayer list for tonight!!!
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