Hi all. Mike from Down Under Aussieland..yeh Down Under for sure ..that is me..
l'm coming here for the first time from the Welcome area of this Forum and overwhelmed by so many posts here...But l need to desperately as l overstayed the Welcome area and badly struggling with the scary suicidal thoughts which is really increasing so much...lm scared that l will act on them!!!
This a snippett of my history:
"Briefly my story is that l'm 50 years old now, and for most of my life I have medicating with a 40 year addiction to lust (mainly porn) by myself and l have been isolated and lonely for most of my life even though I have been in numerous relationships. The relationships still left me feeling empty and strangely alone. Rejection and abandonment seems to be scattered throughout my whole later part of life. My upbringing with my parents was riddled with arguments, critiscims, judgements, comparisons with other family members, not being good enough, rejection, threats of being kicked out (that was traumatic), not being heard especially from my mother which frustrated me and made me angry. Being exposed to my father's porn when l was around 10 years old have left me chronically angry at him and deciding to never ever see my parents again as a result.
And how l cope with all this immense pain is medicating and medicating and medicating and medicating for 40 years roughly. That medication is lust, porn, has been gambling and now some computer games the last 12 years. But porn has been the main medication. The pain then become magnified ten fold after getting into the porn. It has become so bad that suicidal thoughts has increased and seems to get stronger after these addictions, as if I can't stand the pain anymore. I then start thinking of ways to end my painful life and have come very close to ending my life in the recent years. The thoughts of suicide is now quite intense to the point of now thinking about it on a daily basis. And l'm very scared that l could act on it if l'm left alone constantly without a voice to be heard. Not having a job for 7 years seems to magnify the emotional pain because l feel like l'm not part of the society.
I have tried doctors, counsellors, support groups for sex addiction, Grow groups, aa meetings etc..and l have struggled with them all. Still left feeling lonely and not respected and understood properly is hurting. I have struggled with god but yet at the same time he is the only one I turn to when there is no-one else around. So l'm trying to developing a faith but it is hard on your own.
I'm hoping that coming here to share my struggles with suicide that l could connect with others who can understand and relate to my story in some way.
I also want to make friends with supportive members who can encourage me to keep coming back to share. As l don't have any like minded friends to talk to. I feel painfully alone with pain."
That is my history........
Right now, the situation has continued to get more unmanageable with more painful rejection and support workers for the past week still NOT listening to my pain and interrupting me and invalidating what l know is true for me..it's like some higher power is working hard against me to make sure l have a miserable life and die soon..That angers me so much that lm saying the F.... word so much these days and can feel my dark life slipping a lot...
l came here again because l didn't want to be LONELY with my suicidal thoughts and l know the guys and ladies here make me feel NOT alone with my unbearble pain.
To make make matters worse, l live with a female landlord who has had a crush on me over the years but doesn't undrestand my pain and constantly goes to see my parents which f....ing annoys me!!!! l'm trying to LET GO permanently of my abusive parents and move on without them ever in my life. And l have told this lady NOT to talk about me there. Then l found out that she LIED to them about me saying l was 'good', which l wasn't at all!! Today l get an abusive text from my younger brother giving me advice and putting the guilt trip on me about this lady that l'm the bad person and started preaching to me about God and scaring me. My ANGER was errupting straight away and l texted him to "F__K OFF". l was sick of being nice to him. lm sick of thinking about my abusive family and l want to put them behind me forever. l was indoctrinated with all this scary church stuff from the family members and want to let go of it.. As a result of the abusive text l left a note for the lady on the table about what happened and that our relationship is now over..It's finished, even though l'm confused about what a relationship is l don't know much about 'love' ..l often think that 'love' doesn't exist at all and that this planet is full of hellish tragedies and pain ...which is why l want to NOT live in it anymore. Now lm petrified that she will kick me out with no place to go and l have so many things unpacked in the garage a swell..
To compound the worries more it looks like lm going to take my car to the mechanic for an expensive repair to the automatic transmission..
l'm falling apart with this all and now l'm in the Internet shop tonite at 2.26 am with scary possibility of looking at the dangerous porn again for medication, which has a history of making me more suicidal afterwards..That scares me.. l know that this addiction compounds my pain and l have trouble breaking the habit.
Any way enough said, and l want to thank all who have posted to me in the welcome area and l will try to crawl back here again through all this lonely pain
P.S. Just changed my avatar to show my real photo of me so you what l look like.
Michael in Melbourne, Aussie-tralia :sigh: