*TW!*TW!*TW!* I scroll past this specific forum whenever I visit the site as I get scared, and thinking that I wouldn't need to post here because I don't have the guts to go ahead with my suicidal thoughts ..but I was wrong 3 weeks ago for the first major time, I attempted to take my own life. It was frightening! I sound silly but I just couldn't handle anymore pain and hurt in my life, and always had to be fake to make others believe I was ok. It just got too much and so I tried to take my own life and almost died. I was seconds away from leaving this world, but so VERY luckily I was found by a nurse and I was saved. I ended up in hospital in the Intensive Care Unit sedated where the ventilator machine was breathing for me, and woke up one and a half weeks later not knowing where I was! Another one and a half weeks after in another ward I spent recovering and I only came out of hospital yesterday, but unfortunately I am struggling to walk this is my own fault for attempting suicide and now I've created more problems for myself I feel like an idiot! While being in hospital I had witnessed a lot of distressing things including deaths and it opened my eyes and helped me realise how precious a life is. So to an extent I'm grateful for being alive! But when I feel down about something that had happened to me, the negative thoughts dominate my mind and a part of me has this hope that I shouldn't have survived Is it normal for part of me to think I'm happy I survived but another part of me that's not so happy? Is it strange that I get flashbacks of when I did it and nightmares about it all? Ahh I just wish I didn't survive because facing the people I affected from this is daunting, I feel like such a burden! But for their sake I'm glad I'm still alive so I can be here for them! I'm just so confused and I keep telling the nurses and doctors I'm feeling fine but I really don't I am currently suffering from PTSD after being kidnapped and r***d, I don't know what to think or what to feel or what to do! This is totally out of character for me and I don't want to come to another breaking point and do something terrible again I do not know what to do from here, I just know I'm lucky I survived! Please Help!