Help! I'm Lucky I Survived! *TW!*

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by sweetwhisper, Nov 27, 2013.

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  1. sweetwhisper

    sweetwhisper Well-Known Member

    *TW!*TW!*TW!* I scroll past this specific forum whenever I visit the site as I get scared, and thinking that I wouldn't need to post here because I don't have the guts to go ahead with my suicidal thoughts ..but I was wrong :(

    3 weeks ago for the first major time, I attempted to take my own life. It was frightening! I sound silly but I just couldn't handle anymore pain and hurt in my life, and always had to be fake to make others believe I was ok. It just got too much and so I tried to take my own life and almost died.

    I was seconds away from leaving this world, but so VERY luckily I was found by a nurse and I was saved. I ended up in hospital in the Intensive Care Unit sedated where the ventilator machine was breathing for me, and woke up one and a half weeks later not knowing where I was! Another one and a half weeks after in another ward I spent recovering and I only came out of hospital yesterday, but unfortunately I am struggling to walk :( this is my own fault for attempting suicide and now I've created more problems for myself :( I feel like an idiot! While being in hospital I had witnessed a lot of distressing things including deaths and it opened my eyes and helped me realise how precious a life is. So to an extent I'm grateful for being alive! But when I feel down about something that had happened to me, the negative thoughts dominate my mind and a part of me has this hope that I shouldn't have survived :(

    Is it normal for part of me to think I'm happy I survived but another part of me that's not so happy?

    Is it strange that I get flashbacks of when I did it and nightmares about it all?

    Ahh I just wish I didn't survive because facing the people I affected from this is daunting, I feel like such a burden! But for their sake I'm glad I'm still alive so I can be here for them! I'm just so confused and I keep telling the nurses and doctors I'm feeling fine but I really don't :( I am currently suffering from PTSD after being kidnapped and r***d, I don't know what to think or what to feel or what to do! This is totally out of character for me and I don't want to come to another breaking point and do something terrible again :( I do not know what to do from here, I just know I'm lucky I survived!

    Please Help!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2013
  2. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Hi sweetwhisper, I am very happy to hear that you survived.

    I am also very sorry to hear what those monsters did to you and that after the attempt you are struggling to walk.

    You didn't die for a reason, there is a mission for you in this world, you saw great suffering and death at the hospital and the ward, passing by you, it didn't make sense that they were gone and you are still here. Well, you will start finding many reasons why you are here.

    Don't worry about others around you, what you say to them will not make a difference, it will only consume your energy. Focus on recovering yourself, mentally and physically, if you can't walk on your feet, try to find ways to move and be independent.

    You have two options, one to be happy that you are alive and the other to be sad about it, you know where the second option took both you and me, it is not a good option, you reached bottom and are here, alive, be alive and enjoy every second of your life, it is a new life, you have been born again, the old you is gone.

    Be happy, tell your story, support others that are going through the same, volunteer, you will be surprised to find so many humans being abused everywhere, they need your support and to hear from your experiences.

    Give love, receive love and teach to love, life can be beautiful.

    I will keep you in my prayers, God bless you.
     
  3. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear all that you've been through latley. Im glad you survived. I have made a few attempts on my life and also had that feeling of being a burden. Im sure the people around you do not feel that way. If all these feelings are relatively new to you I understand its hard to open up. Do not shy away from support if you need help tell them they ask because they care. Its so much easier on yourself in the long run. The reason you are not happy with the fact that you survived is that you have not yet delt with the reason that made attempt suicide it will help if you talk to someone my pm box is always open if you need to talk to someone that you don't know if thats easier for you. No one should go through these things alone. I know one thing though your alot stronger than you think
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Sweetwhisper, I, too, am a survivor. I shared similar experiences after I attempted the last time. I wound up in the ICU, on a ventilator and the whole nine yards. When I woke up 9 days later, I had no idea what happened to me except that I took an OD. I had a horrible time trying to walk normally. I even had to have physical therapy to regain the strength of my left hip joint. I've suffered PTSD as I heard from accounts of my family and friends who visited me telling me what they observed about how I've been. Chilling, to say the least. Now, I'm so glad to be living! I still have my struggles, but never ever thinking about really doing myself in. I'm scared of it. I feel I'm a living testimony of escaping a near-death experience and lucky enough to survive to tell my story. My encouragement is that...inspire others about your conviction to be alive. You are special and are able to help others struggling with suicidal ideations. I'm not preaching, but I think you get the picture...
     
  5. ryuko

    ryuko Member

    There's really no need to feel like a burden! You're alive! That's what matters!
     
  6. sweetwhisper

    sweetwhisper Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the support and encouragement :) I'm fighting back slowly and trying my hardest to get back on my feet.

    Thank you BornAgain, I am focusing on the second option, to be happy I'm alive! And I definitely want to help others from my experiences, show them I'm a survivor and to help others through.

    Thank you Silentlyfading. These feelings aren't completely new, I've felt low for awhile but only recently acted on these emotions, but I still find it difficult to open up and I believe I always have. I think this is why I push away some support because I can't open up much and ignore the bad feelings. Thank you for the offer, I may just do that tbh if it's ok because yeah I find it may be easier for me to open up to someone I don't know so that I'm not judged.

    mpang123 I'm sorry you also felt this pain and had to go through that, but its good to know your doing better. Thank you for your encouragement, I can undoubtedly really relate and its nice to an extent that you can really understand and its after effects. I'm still having physical therapy, but you inspire me and I hope to be as strong as you one day.

    Thank you Edward, I'm trying to keep positive :)
     
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sweet Whisper,
    Thank you so much for sharing. I am truly delighted that you are still with us. While I have frequently thought of suicide, even put a loaded gun in my mouth, with finger on the trigger, I have never made an attempt. I am afraid of succeeding and afraid of the consequences of failing. Hearing stories from others may very well help me never make the attempt.

    I have heard many stories of those who tried and were so very glad afterwards to be alive. Have also heard many stories of those who survived but were horribly disfigured or handicapped afterwards. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you find the happiness that you so much deserve.
     
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