I’ve lost the fight make to make the best of what remains of my cognition. And tremors when doing fine motor skill or tightly grasping with my fingers. Since Sunday--3 days counting today it's been horrible. Saturday our friends of 30 years called to say that they are disowning (my term) us because of my husband's political vote, because we are now going to a church of a different denomination (although its still Christian), and because of the car insurance we are using (the company stopped its support for a certain TV political news program). I was upset but I coped. I tried to step out of our moving car on Sunday. We picked up my FIL from his assisted facility to take him to dinner. He's 89 and says he "has all his marbles", yeah, right. I dont believe it anymore. He ranted in the car the whole way to the restaurant. Tried to calm him. Then he ranted in a softer voice the whole time in the restaurant and we couldn't stop him. Driving him to his home he continued ranting on the same subject. Irate, I triggered and opened the car door to leave. I was just about stepping out and my husband realized, yelled & stopped. I got out and started walking towards the highway to go home. He dropped his dad off and came to get me. My FIL was oblivious to the whole thing until he realized I wasn't there to kiss him goodbye. I was manic and irate. When I got home I was feeling I don't want to live anymore. I am losing my short memory, lost my good vocabulary, and when speaking I have to stop because I can't find a simple word. So my husband asks me a question & the grammar wasn't quite correct so I answered the sentence as it was given instead of what he meant. We bounced both sides back and forth and he was very upset. I used to be very good at interpreting what he really meant. I can't now with this broken brain. This added more fuel to my fire. 3 major issues peaked a manic frenzy on Monday. While hubby was out I started cleaning my stuff out of the bathroom to trash. I intended to purge the whole house of my stuff. I also made a death pouch. All my husband's powerful pain meds left over from an old injury, my anxiety & old sleep aids. My husband has no clue. He doesn't take the signs seriously because he doesn't believe I'd really do it. I've always been strong like a rock in years past for everyone while keeping myself tightly reigned in. I am easily startled when he walks into a room I'm in,which irks my hubby too. I feel we're walking a tightrope and barely hanging on. I don't know what to do. My brain is giving up all but the simplest things. I feel humiliated by this plus the last 3 days events, husband frustrated with me. I can't go on, I just can't. I need help but I don't want people, don't want them telling me what to do or what not to do. I can't go on, I just can't. I need help but don't want or anyone telling me what to do or not do. I'm so very tired, so tired.