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Help! I'm slipping

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, Sep 1, 2009.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I’ve lost the fight make to make the best of what remains of my cognition. And tremors when doing fine motor skill or tightly grasping with my fingers.

    Since Sunday--3 days counting today it's been horrible. Saturday our friends of 30 years called to say that they are disowning (my term) us because of my husband's political vote, because we are now going to a church of a different denomination (although its still Christian), and because of the car insurance we are using (the company stopped its support for a certain TV political news program). I was upset but I coped.

    I tried to step out of our moving car on Sunday. We picked up my FIL from his assisted facility to take him to dinner. He's 89 and says he "has all his marbles", yeah, right. I dont believe it anymore. He ranted in the car the whole way to the restaurant. Tried to calm him. Then he ranted in a softer voice the whole time in the restaurant and we couldn't stop him. Driving him to his home he continued ranting on the same subject.

    Irate, I triggered and opened the car door to leave. I was just about stepping out and my husband realized, yelled & stopped. I got out and started walking towards the highway to go home. He dropped his dad off and came to get me. My FIL was oblivious to the whole thing until he realized I wasn't there to kiss him goodbye.

    I was manic and irate. When I got home I was feeling I don't want to live anymore. I am losing my short memory, lost my good vocabulary, and when speaking I have to stop because I can't find a simple word.

    So my husband asks me a question & the grammar wasn't quite correct so I answered the sentence as it was given instead of what he meant. We bounced both sides back and forth and he was very upset. I used to be very good at interpreting what he really meant. I can't now with this broken brain.

    This added more fuel to my fire. 3 major issues peaked a manic frenzy on Monday. While hubby was out I started cleaning my stuff out of the bathroom to trash. I intended to purge the whole house of my stuff. I also made a death pouch. All my husband's powerful pain meds left over from an old injury, my anxiety & old sleep aids.

    My husband has no clue. He doesn't take the signs seriously because he doesn't believe I'd really do it. I've always been strong like a rock in years past for everyone while keeping myself tightly reigned in.

    I am easily startled when he walks into a room I'm in,which irks my hubby too.

    I feel we're walking a tightrope and barely hanging on. I don't know what to do.

    My brain is giving up all but the simplest things. I feel humiliated by this plus the last 3 days events, husband frustrated with me.

    I can't go on, I just can't. I need help but I don't want people, don't want them telling me what to do or what not to do. I can't go on, I just can't.

    I need help but don't want or anyone telling me what to do or not do.

    I'm so very tired, so tired.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry for all that has happened. The triggering, the misunderstandings and especially the pain and torment. Hun is there anyway that you could take a break for yourself? Is there a crisis centre near you? What we have here is actually a house that has been renovated to accompany 8 people at a time. There are counsellors if you wish to speak to one. There is one group "meeting" that you attend but dont have to say a word if you dont want to. Food and meals are supplied. But most of all, it's a safe place to just get some rest and away from the outside world for a bit.
    If not that then even a hotel for several days. Someplace for you to regroup and rest.
    As for the friends, how completely rude and immature. But some people just cant accept change. So easier to dump people than to even give a little effort to trying. I hate to say it but they seemed more like they were interested in status than friendship.
    I dont know what else to say except that you will be in my prayers and I hope that you can stay safe. x's & o's hun.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Really sounds like you need to get away really. Just call crisis line someone will come and take you to a safe place where you can breath again. where you can close your eyes and not worry abt anything Please reach out for help. You will be so relieved please
  4. -Chris-

    -Chris- Member

    I agree with the others, maybe you could go stay with a close friend or family member for a few days. Someone non-judgemental, just take a break from life. And if your friends are having such a big problem with your personal position on things, then you're probably better off. A real friend would disagree, but still respect your views and not try to shove theirs down your throat.

    Some folks here suggested that I write down some of my own issues and give them to my doc. Maybe that would help you, especially with your husband and maybe your in-laws. It really sounds to me like you just have way too many judgemental people around you right now. If they don't respect you enough to allow you to have your own views on things that are so personal, like politics and religion, you really should separate yourself from them. At least until things settle down for you.

    I do hope things get better soon, but be sure to take care of you until they do. Just put yourself 1st right now and it's ok to need some help, we all need help sometimes. Try letting that guard down a bit, it's ok to not be so strong all the time. Slow it down and find some safe place where you can get some support to help get you through this. It will get better!
  5. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all of you for your wise and encouraging advice. I'm a bit better today. I called to make an appointment with a therapist today. I cried for about 10 minutes afterward.

    I am 57 and have so much baggage. Some really hurtful stuff, even trauma from childhood, teens and once in my 20's. I've tried to stuff it all to get rid of it but it's coming back in my dreams. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I need help--for some reason I can't help myself. :unsure:

    I AM TERRIFIED because I know he will bring up the past and it is agonizingly painful to open up that rusty locked door in my heart--I never have really even let my husband completely in.

    I'm bipolar and I'm afraid the emotional agony of revealing and reliving will cause me to trigger and I'll plan to flip my switch off again.

    I guess I should tell him that up front so he'll tread softly? I am determined I'm going to allow myself to trust this man who wants to and works to help people heal.

    My husband said he will keep a watchful eye on me, even take me there and meet me in the parking lot when the session is over if I think the session might be too overwhelming. He's making a royal effort to learn & observe.

    But most of all, thank you, thanks to all of you--I am getting help as you all advised.
    Hugs to all of you.[/U]
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 3, 2009
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is great i am so happy for you and your husband helping understanding will help in your healing. You are doing a great thing for yourself. I am 51 and after 40 years am just opening up now to therapist It was hard at first but he gained my trust and it is good to get things out of your heart allthat pain. I never told anyone and won't just my T but i think it is great if you can talk about it to someone close take care and good for you for getting help. Keep posting here for support okay :console::thumbup:
  7. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support Violet. I hope your experience with your T will give you much healing and freedom to live to your fullest.

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