Help is appreciated

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NoHoper, Apr 4, 2007.

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  1. NoHoper

    NoHoper New Member

    hello, i am in need of help, i cant go a day without the thought of suicide running through my head, when ever my mind is not occupied i am thinking of killing myself and how to do it, whether to make it look like and accident or not.

    I've been depressed for a long time now but it has slowly become worse and worse. I have noone to talk to about it and the only time i tried was with my father. I told him that i dont enjoy life anymore and want to kill myself. he said that it was stupid and got angry with me. I have no friends i can talk to this about because i have pushed them all away, i never answer my phone when they call because i am so ashamed of myself and the life i live. I think my biggest problem is that i have no goals in life and nothing to make me happy. i have no job and every job i get i spend my whole time thinking about how much i hate it and for excuses to quit.

    I dont know how i got to this point in my life but i think it had alot to do with my mother. She commited suicide when i was about 15, before she killed herself she was my motivator, she pushed me hard and i showed great results because of it. I finished in the top 10% of my class in my first 2 years of highschool, it was in the third year she killed herself and since then i have either scraped a pass or failed every class i did. My dad hasn't seen any of my report cards because he didn't ask, he still doesn't know how bad i did in my last years of school.

    It wasn't untill after graduation everything went to shit. I spent 6 months un-employed untill i eventually got kicked out of home. I took my savings and moved but lost it all and moved back in promising my dad that i would get a job, since then i have been through 3 jobs which i hated and quit and now 2 years later i am un-employed again. I am awake from 8pm-8am everyday so that noone can bother me, i can't go on living like this, I just can't find anything in my life worth living for anymore, i have no future plans, no motivation, nothing. I don't want my dad to feel responsible for my suicide so i think it would be better to make it look like an accident.

    I dont know why i am even posting this, i guess to just get it off my chest and hope maybe someone can relate. The only solution i get from people about getting over depression is "work towards something you love" or "do what makes you happy" but that is the problem, there is nothing left for me.
  2. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    :welcome: to SF. I am glad you did post and share. It is hard to open up and reveal the truth when you can't do so IRL. Coming here is not a weakness. It is needed for part of you to relate to others that also understand. I understand not being able to put the "S" thoughts (my term) away. I have many friends that say that too. You do know, that depression is what makes you feel the desire to give up. {At least I feel so}. You may feel you never see light, just darkness.
    Give yourself some breathing space and credit. A suicide of a parent is a HUGE weight. It takes a lot to deal with.

    It sounds like maybe your dad may have his own issues about your mom and what did occur, of course you know that. It is hard!! Have you had counseling about her actions? Is there any other family that would support you now with your feelings? If you are adult, maybe you would qualify to go to the clinic on your own. Do you want to?

    It also sounds that you are a very intelligent, mature person. Therefore, I must disagree with the statement "there is nothing left for me" just have not found the niche for you. If that means, soul searching for a bit. OK.

    Getting stable and overcoming depression symptoms does not happen in 5 days, contrary to what some people think. It is not a headache. :headache: lol---People can tell you simple phrases to try to help you get on the right track. But, they are not in your head/brain. They do want to help, yet may say dumb stuff (we think).

    Many of us here have:
    -been depressed for years.
    -have experience with pdoc and hospitals, attempts.
    -know a suicide friend/family.
    -problems with jobs, relationships, social settings.
    -have a tough time in our own situation so we reach out to find others that can relate. :sad: Sad, but true.
    -want friends that can understand what we feel and will not reject us.

    My mother and grandmother were my motivators and passed away too. I have not worked since 2001, but was married most of that too. I really need their help now. It makes me feel helpless, but my attempts to push myslef have been half-assed. I have been very resourceful and encouraging to others in my work. For myself-hahahahahah!!!

    You are among friends here. It may be hard at times, but there are some of us here that care quite a lot. :smile:
    Please don't give up till you try everything in the world. and TRY more and more. See you around the forum!
    Stay safe,
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Welcome from me too:smile: I'm here for you anytime also and I don't want to call you No Hoper because that's the last thing that you're.I'm so deeply sorry for your loss first of all and the pain you're in and I know it's no easy battle to get through feeling so low.I'm here anytime you need to talk also if you would like to chat in private via msn my e-mail is or you can PM me or vice versa please hold on we all care around here.:wink:
  4. NoHoper

    NoHoper New Member

    TLA - Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. To answer your questions- no I have never had any counseling and I do have a sister but I think she is a little to young to fully understand how I am feeling. I don't see any point in telling her, I'm afraid it will only worry her. She is another reason why suicide isn't really an option for me, I can't have her go through school the same way I did, I have to be the one to guide her.

    ace - Thanks for your support, I appreciate it.

    After reading through your posts, several other websites and talking in the chat room I have decided to see a docter about it. I wanted to tell my dad today but I just couldn't bring myself to it, so instead I am going to lie about some kind of injury.

    Today was a bad day for me, I got a phone call from my best friend throughout high school (he moved far away and is back in town on holidays) he and 2 other girls I knew from school wanted me to go out to a bar with them, I just couldn't bring my self to do it so I told him I was sick. I'm not really sure why but I just don't want to see him anymore. We got on so well throughout high school and now I am doing everything in my power to avoid him, I don't understand it. It's not just him either, it's everyone I know. He said he will come around to visit me in the next few days and now I am a nervous wreck about it, it's so pathetic.

    What do you guys think about treating depression with medication? Is it a good idea? I have an Aunt that is 100% against it and has lectured me about it in the past. She is a Scientologist so I think she is simply repeating what she has been told by her church. I never take much notice of religious viewpoints on modern medicines and treatments but I am interested to hear your opinions on this as I am sure a lot of you have dealt with them first hand.

    Thanks again

  5. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Only you can decide how bad you feel or if you will try something, ANYthing in order to feel sane and survive....I take meds too. Not always liked it but started in 1997. My brother takes his too.

    Keep us posted on the doctor appt. You can go thru many many trials and error before you get to the no more help is available. Take care!!! :mellow:
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