hello, i am in need of help, i cant go a day without the thought of suicide running through my head, when ever my mind is not occupied i am thinking of killing myself and how to do it, whether to make it look like and accident or not. I've been depressed for a long time now but it has slowly become worse and worse. I have noone to talk to about it and the only time i tried was with my father. I told him that i dont enjoy life anymore and want to kill myself. he said that it was stupid and got angry with me. I have no friends i can talk to this about because i have pushed them all away, i never answer my phone when they call because i am so ashamed of myself and the life i live. I think my biggest problem is that i have no goals in life and nothing to make me happy. i have no job and every job i get i spend my whole time thinking about how much i hate it and for excuses to quit. I dont know how i got to this point in my life but i think it had alot to do with my mother. She commited suicide when i was about 15, before she killed herself she was my motivator, she pushed me hard and i showed great results because of it. I finished in the top 10% of my class in my first 2 years of highschool, it was in the third year she killed herself and since then i have either scraped a pass or failed every class i did. My dad hasn't seen any of my report cards because he didn't ask, he still doesn't know how bad i did in my last years of school. It wasn't untill after graduation everything went to shit. I spent 6 months un-employed untill i eventually got kicked out of home. I took my savings and moved but lost it all and moved back in promising my dad that i would get a job, since then i have been through 3 jobs which i hated and quit and now 2 years later i am un-employed again. I am awake from 8pm-8am everyday so that noone can bother me, i can't go on living like this, I just can't find anything in my life worth living for anymore, i have no future plans, no motivation, nothing. I don't want my dad to feel responsible for my suicide so i think it would be better to make it look like an accident. I dont know why i am even posting this, i guess to just get it off my chest and hope maybe someone can relate. The only solution i get from people about getting over depression is "work towards something you love" or "do what makes you happy" but that is the problem, there is nothing left for me.