sometimes, when i get into one of these doomsday moods, i think that myself and everyone who knows me would be much better off and rest much easier if i were in a safe place for a few weeks where it is unlikely that i would be able to off myself and would probably start to get some of the counselling i need to address some of the issues that even my shrink doesn't know about. (yes, yes ... i know he's the one i'm supposed to be completely honest with, but if i'm just coming to terms and ALMOST ready to fully accept these things about myself, there's a reason why i haven't told him. yes, i'm afraid that he's going to be ashamed of me, or throw me in the "serious nutjob" filing cabinet if he knows how much i have cut over the years (not so much now, but every once in a while when i feel like i just can't bear anything anymore, i slip back into it. and it still feels GREAT.) ... for how many years i've struggled with eating disorders ... for how many years i've struggled with addiction of various stripes.) i don't know exactly why i don't tell him these things ... why i've never told any of my shrinks for that matter. perhaps part of it is that i don't want them to start witholding the more powerful medications from me that do me a world of good because they fear i will abuse them? i don't know. maybe somewhere down the road when i decide to be a noncompliant little bipolar whacknut careening around the world like a pinball, i will abuse them. but quite frankly, for the time being, i'm really trying REALLY TRYING to get my life straightened out so i can move on and away from this pathetic chapter ... because i'm not too happy with my life right now, and the sooner i can straighten out my head and finances, the sooner i can get myself into a living situation that doesn't trigger me to act on any of the unproductive and harmful impulses i have. that having been said, what really really really REALLY tears me up is that someone like me, insured, gainfully employed (but grossly underpaid), wishing they could just check into a facility for a few weeks and sort things out properly instead of in the half-assed way i've been doing it thus far during this stint in the states ... simply can't afford it. the deductable on my insurance is far too high, and there's no way i could afford two weeks of hospitalization ... both from the standpoint of losing those two weeks of wages AND having to pay through my eye teeth for the inpatient stay. if i were indigent and couldn't pay for my meds that keep me somewhat stable, i would certainly have ended up in the emergency room a few months ago, probably in restraints and carted off to some state facility for further evaluation. but since i can afford to keep things under moderate control most of the time and have only minor flip outs can either be handled by a little home sedatation or a quick little trip to the pdoc's office for some emergency anti-psychotics or some such. i know it seems like i am complaining about something petty, but ... really. lately i really don't know how much more i can handle while keeping this front of being moderately ok. i'm cycling more rapidly than ever ... some days i don't even know which end is up. the only reason i can concentrate on anything and not totally lose it is the amphetamines. when i get home all i want to do is have a few drinks and forget the world. and not do the other work to complete a course i started more than a year ago and turn in the portfolio. and of course, THAT'S healthy too and surely that's adding to the bridling sense of unease that is eating away at my insides. i can't eat. i can't sleep. i can't concentrate. i hate it when my roommate asks me constantly what is wrong, and then doesn't listen when i tell him or gets pissed off because he claims that i am "using my medical condition as an excuse for bad behaviour and letting people down". fuck off. if you don't like it, don't talk to me. i'm not realiable. i never claimed to be. i'm selfish and self centered and self loathing. a pretty picture i know, but the truth all the same. and i'm writing this from work. who knows, maybe the internet nannies will flag it and read it and call the ambulance to cart me away. at this point i really don't care. anywhere has to be better than here. any life has to be better than the one i am living at this moment. how did i sink so low??