Hi, So I've been seeing a psychiatric nurse now since november and have been placed on citalopram 20mg/day. I have been advised to do regular fitness and 'make plans' for the future. Other than questions on what I am doing over xmas/new year and a load more psycho-questions, not a great deal was said in my last session. The psychiatric nurse seemed to think the citalopram was working very well, as in my last session (about a month ago) I had been on the drug for around two weeks. According to her I was smiling more and laughing a bit. Although I am sure I was no ray of sunshine, she was probably right, but I do not believe due to the drugs. I have good weeks and bad ones, and that was a very good week. Now however, its new years eve tomorrow and I'm staying with folks. They all want me to be social, but I just want to be alone and spend most of my time truly wanting to die. I have been depressed for a few years now and this has been steadily getting worse. I really do not see any positive future. If I'm totally honest I doubt anything will help and have been considering just lying to my psychiatrist to keep her off my back (im in the military and now have to attend my appointments or they come and get me). In the mean time I can make some arrangements and just get it over and done with. Pretty much all this time ive not actually harmed myself, which is apparently (according to the nurse) a sign that I dont really want to die - but if thats true then I really dont see it. I have asked myself many times if I really want to die and to tell the truth I do. I have not done it yet because I dont want to hurt my family, but .... any perhaps this is me just rationalising, but at times like this, new year when everyone is happy and looking to celebrate, I just want to be alone and get extremely irritable and very depressed when people try to make me play games and socialise. Its at times like this that I really think my family would be better off it I were dead. It would be sad for them for a bit, a shock. But they would get over it and at least then they wouldnt have to worry about me or be put down by my depression/irritability. I dont enjoy being with people, socialising and taking part anymore, I dont really enjoy anything - at best the things I do simply 'occupy' my mind, so that time passes more quickly. I have almost convinced myself to travel some 300 miles (a 7 hour journey) tomorrow morning on new years eve, to stay at my naval base, where I can be alone and I wont be forced to try and be happy when im far from it. Last year on new year (im not much of a drinker) I purposefully drank myself into a coma so i didnt have to experience it and that idea is looking much better than the alternative. I really dont want to celebrate 2013 coming in. In 2011 I was deployed to afghanistan watching good men die. 2012 was just a herrendous peroid at work, with an enourmous workload and very little time off. 2013 will be picking up from last year, just at a faster pace. Life sucks to say the least. I don't see a future for myself and can't understand how anyone can be happy. It seems to be that we move from one misery to another and that anyone who says otherwise is simply delusional - but maybe its just me.