help? **may trigger**

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lostbutnotfound, Apr 29, 2011.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Okay.. bear with me. I never talk about this, although my workers know what happened I don't discuss it, because.. I'm ashamed and I think it's my fault. But I need to write this. It's replaying in my mind, and if I don't write, I'm gonna go crazy. I'm really sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'm finding it difficult to write already lol.

    When I was a child, my mum didn't really look after me properly. It wasn't her fault, she suffers from mental health issues and is an alcoholic. But anyway, this part isn't really relevant except to say that I was left on my own 75% of the time from the age of 8 while she went out for a week at a time, getting high and pissed. When I was 11, I assume she developed a bit of a conscience, and started sending me to her mum and dad's one weekend a month (not that it made much difference, she was still out the rest of the time). I asked why, and she said it was to get 'closer to the family'.

    My nan and granddad are christians. They used to parade me around church every Sunday, where my nan wrote speeches to deliver to the congregation, and granddad played hymns on the guitar. And the first time I went there for the weekend, I loved it. I got fed, clothed, had shampoo (a rarity at home), and they were really nice. I'd not stayed there since I was 4 previous to this, when my mum had a breakdown, though I saw them often.

    The next month I was due to go out there again, and I was so excited. But it was different. I remember it was the first time I wore make up that day, and I felt pretty (another rarity). Granddad said I looked nice, which seemed normal enough. I stayed Saturday night, everything was fine, they took me to church on Sunday and that was fine too. Then, Sunday night I was laid in bed, and nan came in and sat on the bed, and asked if I was okay, I said I was fine but tired. Then.. she shifted on the bed, and started holding my arms, tight. Granddad came in. She held me down for him. I still remember the details. The smell of his breath. The heat. The pressure as he laid on me. The pain as he forced himself onto me, into me. His smile. Her pressure on my arms. My tears. The blood. His face as he finished. The sweat. His gleeful smile as he stood up and walked out the room. My nan telling me I had been good.

    It continued for two years. What he did to me varied, but he covered pretty much every aspect. He video'd me once, and to this day I don't know where it is. She held me down for the first 6 months, until I realised there was no point in even attempting to struggle. There was no point in crying. Not only did it not make it stop, it seemed to excite him more. He called me names, told me I deserved it, said I should count myself lucky.

    Anyway, I took an overdose, and after I got released from hospital, I was put into care. I suffered nightmares every night about what happened, and flashbacks throughout the day, and I still do. When I was in care, one night my foster mums son and his friend let themselves into the house. My F.M was out. I went to my room, as they weren't boys they were men and it scared me. He came in while his friend stood outside. Pushed me down, and raped me. Called me names, and hurt me. When he finished, he stood up and did up his trousers, and left the room. I thought I was safe. I wasn't. His friend came in for his turn. When he was done, he threw some cigarettes at me, told me it was payment and wh*res like me don't deserve anything else.

    I'm 22 now. I still can't get over it, though I know I should by now. I don't blame them. I blame me. With my nan and granddad, the only thing I can think about is that I wore make up. I shouldn't have done that. It pushed them over the edge. And what if I WAS bad? What if I DID deserve it? I am so ashamed. Feel so dirty. Tainted. Repulsive. I was hard work for my mum which is why she had to go out so much, maybe that was my punishment? I blame myself. I was old enough to stop it. I should have stopped it. Urgh. Fuck. And in regards to my foster brother and his friend? I don't know what I did there. But I must have done something. I MUST have been bad for this to happen not only once, but twice. I can't live like this. Every day it's there. I sleep as little as possible, because of the nightmares. I have flashbacks, where it feels as if I am RIGHT there, back there, with them. And.. in a couple weeks it's the date of when the rape happened. It happened years ago but the date still terrifies me. That date, and the date of when the stuff with my grandparents happened are the two worst days of the year for me.

    But shouldn't I be over it by now? Is it my fault? I really think it is, and that's killing me.

    I'm sorry for this long post. I'm so sorry. Urgh. I hope it made sense. I probably missed out some of it, but I can't think properly.. kind of freaking out. I'm sorry.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that these things happened to you, it's so horrible that these things happened to you.

    it's not your fault! it's not your fault! it's not your fault!

    the people who did these things to you belong in jail. they are the ones who are to blame for the crimes they committed against you.

    maybe if you could imagine someone else telling the same story. I don't think that you would think that someone who was victimized in this way was at fault

    sex abuse from family members is unfortunately very common. sex abuse in foster care is also unfortunately very common

    I think that a fundamental problem is that society is dysfunctional and the system is broken. bad people and bad behaviors are allowed to thrive.

    what happened to you was not your fault. you deserved to be treated with kindness and love, and your abusers totally failed in their most basic moral obligations

    if there is such a thing as divine justice in this world, surely good things will come to you, and your abusers will have much to account for
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    my heart breaks for you. what a terrible thing to endure.

    in no way was it your fault. you were an innocent child, deserving of love and protection. what you received was betrayal of trust and abuse.

    don't be mad at yourself for not being over it. i'm 45 and i only started dealing with this properly two years ago. before that i "got by" ... barely functioning... in denial that it had damaged me.

    you might have answered this on another thread, so i'm sorry if i am asking you again. do you have a therapist? one who specializes in sexual abuse? a good therapist will make all the difference. you have to unlearn all those things you told yourself in order to survive (that it was your fault, that you were bad, and so on). you believed those things in order to survive a terrible ordeal. you had to. you would have died otherwise. the betrayal was too great. but you don't have to believe those things anymore.

    you deserve much love and healing. i hope you can continue to reach out for help, both here and in real life.

    sending a big, safe, hug ... if okay... a cute cuddly bear for you, if not.

  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies dazzle and may. I am grateful but I don't feel I deserve your kindness. I feel like I should hide away, and rot somewhere, because I know I won't recover from this. I understand people might be annoyed by my negativity, but it's the truth. It still haunts me, and I feel like I must be evil to have this happen to me. Lol, I bet I sound like I'm just feeling fucking sorry for myself now.. I'm real sorry. I hate this. I hate me.

    dazzle - i think the thing is, that this started when I was 11. I wasn't an infant, I should have stood up to my grandparents. My nan stopped holding me down after 6 months, why the fuck did I let him do this to me for a further 18 months? Some people go through pure hell, and are so young, but I was older, I should have known better. And I wore make up that day. For the first time ever. I'm sure that contributed to it.

    In regards to a specialist therapist, when I was 15 I had to go to an adolescent psych unit as a day patient mostly for three years. Every wednesday I had to go to a sexual abuse survivors group and I went for a year. But the thing is.. my issues are inferior, superficial compared to others, that's how I feel anyway. I feel like (even now, on this forum) people are just sick of my moaning. I left after a year. I've never gone into detail. Ever. Because the shame is too much. The shame that I let him do this. Urgh. I'm vile. But yes, I did have a specialist therapist who I worked with in a group setting, and then on a one to one basis. I don't have one any more. Thank you for being so kind to me. I am crying as I type. This thread is the first time I have properly spoke about it. I expected to be treated with contempt. So thank you. I'm sorry for whining :( . Thank you
  5. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    None of this is your fault. You did nothing which could remotely justify what happened to you. The makeup didn't cause it, their depravity did. Under no circumstances are you to blame. It's often easier to accept the blame and put it on our shoulders, then it is to accept that our family is that messed up.

    My heart cries for you. I wish you were over it by now, but it completely makes sense that you aren't over it yet. I am 35 years old and it's been 19 years since the last time I was assaulted by my dad, and I'm only now finding the courage to talk about it. For you to be able to talk about it this at only 22 years old is very brave of you.

    Don't worry about it being a long post. Sometimes a long post is necessary in order to get your story across.

    Please feel free to PM me if ever you need to talk. :hug: :i'm sorry:
  6. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hey Coastal lass, we have talked many times, but i never thought i would see your words above.
    Im so sorry.
  7. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Honey... I am floored. I am so sorry all this happened to you, you should never have gone through ANY OF IT!!!!! ITS NOT YOUR FAULT OK!!!!!!
    Was it you who once told me that a disease happens to you... , you didn't ask for any of this... whether you wear make up or not!!! Its their depravity, their sick twisted ways.... its them that did this to you!!! You didn't deserve any of it!!

    Its no wonder you still struggle - anyone would who had that done to them. I love you heaps and more always. Here if you need to talk.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you say you were old enough to fight back, but look around at any 11 year old you know (or if you don't know any, look at an 11 yr old on the bus). you were still a child. 11 is still a child.

    as for letting it continue, that makes perfect sense to me. you were in shock. you had no way of defending yourself. 6 months of torture rendered you powerless.

    i'm glad you had a little bit of counselling. i encourage you to see out another therapist, one who specializes. she can help you understand that it was not your fault. no matter what you wore, no matter if you had make up on or not. shame is a common feeling among survivors. we all feel it. a good therapist can help get rid of some of that shame, too.

    don't worry about comparing your story to anyone else's. it's not a competition. each are heartbreaking in their own way.

    i don't think you are being negative. i just see a person in a lot of pain. i wish i could make it better.

  9. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Julia C ~ Thanks for the response and your kind words. I wish with all my heart that I could shift my overwhelming sense of blame. Is it normal for people to blame themselves? I once told a friend, while drunk, and she said I should stop being a weirdo and get over it. Didn't help my embarrassment and shame, nor my anxiety. Anyway, I'm rambling. Apologies.

    Pete ~ I know, this isn't like me at all, is it? I'm not sure it was the right thing to do.. my shame that people know is quite upsetting. More about wondering if they agree with me, and what they think of me, I assume. It's frightening. I'm frightened. But I think if I don't talk about it.. it's kinda destroying me even more right now. I think you know how close I am to the edge if I'm even writing this thread. But fuck it, shit happens lol.

    Ditsy ~ Thanks honey. I know you don't think it was my fault, or that I deserved it, and it means a lot. You're awesome to me. I'm so sorry for being such a fucked up friend. Love you loads xxx

    Dazzle ~ I'm sorry to go on about this point, but it's very much at the forefront of my mind.. an 11 year old knows the difference between right and wrong. I didn't like it, yet I let it continue. Which made them both think they were in the right, I assume. I was even older when the rape happened, and I was literally paralyzed with fear. I shouted out no, tears ran down my face, but I felt frozen. And it feels like I just brought it upon myself. Gah. Does your therapist help you? I freak out about what they may think about me.

    Thanks for your comments everyone
  10. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Yes, shit does happen D!

    This thread worried me very much, i needed to see that post above to find out why you did this.
    No point in trying to ask you, i know you too well!
    What do i think?
    I am proud of you.
    You have nothing to be frightened or ashamed about.
    Don't know if you have noticed, sure you have, something is going on around this subject at the moment.
    Its like people are gaining strength from others disclosure and following suit.
    I often think i groomed myself D, think i was easy to do anyway, all i wanted was love.
    I can't stop you from blaming yourself, but until there is no breath left in me, i will tell you that it was never your fault.
    The other thread, the one about saying stuff about yourself.
    What i read saddened me greatly, the fact you are still here is testimont to your ability to fight and hang on in there.
    You might have a low opinion of yourself, but i think you are amazing.
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    there are two blogs i read that might help

    the first is jenny's. she was raped by her father into her twenties.
    she writes about it here

    then there is faith's. she was abused by her mother. it stopped for a few years, and then started again when she was 17. her story is here

    there are plenty of other posts on both sites that i have found very valuable. i hope you will read what they have to say.

  12. KimKim

    KimKim Well-Known Member

    allthought you hear about stories like this all the time...I find it very touching to read how you feel abou it.
    What you have gone through is so...i don't even know words for it. I just want to take you into my arms and protect you from the rest of the world...but I guess I can't.
    I wish you had (or maybe you have?) someone who is there for you without condition.

    It's so can men like your granddad be so cold, so unrestrained? Don't they know that in the moment they break a childs body...they also break the soul inside? Can't they see that it's a LIFE they fuck?
    Of course I know why they can...but I don't want to accept it.
  13. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    lostbutnotfound i can only repeat what other posters have said but shout it this time IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! yes at 11 you would know basic right and wrongs, but that does not extend to what you went through. you were a child and the people you should have been able trust let you down. your grandmother held you down, so your gf and she had obviously discussed this before you wore make up but you just associate it with wearing make up. as for the foster brother and his friend, they were just animals and i doubt they have little respect for anyone including themselves. what you are feeling sounds like ptsd and you can get help for this from an appropriate therapist, it wont be easy but after what you have already gone through it wont be worse.

    you can get meds for ptsd to help as well, please give it a try as you dont deserve to punish yourself for something you had no control over.

  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that a lot of people, maybe most people, only really feel comfortable dealing with other people on a superficial level. They are frightened about dealing with life on a deeper level.

    Sharing the painful stuff can be hard, but sharing the painful stuff is how you build real connections to other people, and it's how you heal.

    I'm sorry that you had a friend who couldn't support you when you needed it. I hope for your friend's sake that someday she will become the kind of person who can be mature enough to deal with the fact that painful things happen in life and who can try to make things better.
  15. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Yes it is normal to feel like you should blame yourself. The blame I have against myself isn't the same as yours. I never really thought too much of myself as a facilitator of my dad's actions. Most of my blame towards myself is felt because I let it go on as long as I did, and for not going to the authorities before my dad died.

    Your friends didn't seem too concerned. I find that very odd. I guess her reaction goes to prove that people don't really understand unless they have been through similar trauma.

    You don't ever need to apologize to me, and you're not rambling. :)
  16. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Oh Sweety. I can't hug you in reality but I'm sending as many virtual hugs and love as you can stand.
    Telling people who will listen without judging is part of the recovery process - whatever you want to say at your pace.
    And you must listen - to all that the posters above have said about you being a child and that it was not your fault.
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    I can, too, just repeat what others have said. It is brave of you to share this, I understand the shame and the guilt etc.

    gentle positive thoughts to you.
  18. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Pete ~ thank you. It means a lot. I wish I had the strength you perceive me to have. It's just so.. tiring. A feeling which I know you understand well. I hope you aren't too worried, though as you said, you know me too well lol.

    Dazzle ~ thank you for those links. I am planning to look at them tonight. I am not at home, as yesterday I went downhill and had to stay with my old foster carer, but I will take a look. Thanks for making the effort. It means a lot to me.

    KimKim ~ Thank you for taking the time out to reply to this. You're words are so kind and caring, they brought a tear to my eye. I don't have anyone in my life. Not really. I can't trust people and I behave in a way that strives to push people away. My family disowned me, and I have no friends IRL. I have a partner, but because of my mental health illnesses, I am high maintanence. I don't think anyone could really love me, whether as a woman or as a friend. So.. urgh, lol. I'm just moaning again now! Sorry

    Icequeen ~ I've got bipolar, borderline personality disorder, severe anxiety, PTSD, attachment disorder and insomnia.. which feels kinda ridiculous. I am on and off meds, sometimes of my prerogative, and sometimes the decision of the medical profession. Thanks for explaining why you don't think it is my fault.. maybe rationally I could understand that, but all I heard throughout the time of the abuse and rape was that I deserved nothing more. My mum told me that I should count myself lucky that my granddad found me attractive enough to fuck me, that no other person would, so I should have just taken him up on his offer with no complaint. That's the words, the belief I've grown up with. Thanks for your reply.

    May 71 ~ I think that I was mostly at fault for my friends response. I don't trust anyone, I don't let anyone see me, I don't allow myself to be vulnerable around people, and then I got way too drunk and let it all out. She didn't expect it and probably just thought she was doing the right thing, using the good old 'tough love' method. It just left me feeling that I was right not to trust. That I was right to be ashamed. And that I should continue keeping myself to myself. Too much risk otherwise.

    JuliaC ~ Thanks for your response. I am sorry that you have suffered too. Although I wish whole heartedly that you hadn't had to go through that, it's a tiny bit easier to feel not alone. I don't mean that horribly.. urgh, do you know what I'm trying to say? I'm crap with words =/

    Fitzy - hugs much much appreciated! Thank you for being so nice to me. It was weird, I'd never talked about it the way I did on this thread, I don't know what came over me. And then I regretted it, cos of my anxieties on how people perceive me and such. But it's too late now anyway lol. Thanks hon, it means a lot xxxxx

    MoAnamCara ~ Thank you for replying. There is a lot of guilt and shame in admitting this happened, even in the virtual world where no one knows my, my heart is in my mouth, racing 10 to the dozen. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
  19. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I will never judge you D.
    I have a rage within at your mum though, it is an emotion i try not to hold.
    Words fail me as far as what she told you.

    We can't choose are family, but we can choose our friends.
  20. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    what your mum said just adds to the "its not your fault" no parent should say that to a child, i am just so upset that a parent could say that. the way i see it, you have come throught the most horrible horrible (i cant even think of a strong enough word to describe it) experience, you mother and grandparents are the epitome of evil and they transferred their guilt to you. it is possible that your mother was also abused by your grandparents and that might explain her attitude but if not, she is as evil as they are.

    do not believe ever that you should be grateful for being abused or it was your can a child be responsible for the actions of adults?

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