Help me live

[shinitai]

Help me. I'm so lonely with romantic desire. It happened again, where the nicest girl in the world said she wouldn't talk to me again, even though I loved her. I hate myself so much. Someone please give me a reason to live. I don't want to go through this again. I want these desires and envy to go away. It's killing me. Please, somebody please, love me. Or help me die. I hate being alone and unloved.

 

[Shinigami]

Before I address your problem, do you think you could supply me with a reason why she would never talk to you again? (Shinitakunai kudasai.)

 

[shinitai]

Well, b/c I liked her and she didn't like me, and I couldn't help developing more feelings for her. She was nice to me for a while, but near the end she got really mean to me and blocked me.

I want to end my lonliness and make friends with people w/o having them all be torn apart. This pain is getting unbearable.

Well, close to 37 hours w/o food and water.

 

[Shinigami]

If you'll forgive me for asking, if she is truly the "nicest person in the world", don't you think you'd be understanding of your feelings? It doesn't mean she would have to accept and return them, but don't you think she would be a bit more respectful to you? And how was she 'really mean' to you? If you don't want to answer any of my questions, that's fine too!

 

[shinitai]

Yay, you're online. Are you also on AIM, MSN, or YAHOO?

Well, she certainly seemed like the nicest person in the world, but I feel bad b/c she couldn't handle being my friend. I think you mean "she'd" be understanding of my feelings. Um, perhaps. She was understanding for a while, then just couldn't take it anymore.

On our last night together, she was just not nice to me and said she was leaving.

Thanks for being there for me Shinigami.

 

[Shinigami]

Yeah, I am online. I have both AIM and MSN. If you wish to speak to me outside of the forum, I'd appreciate if you could pm me for my AIM/MSN name, as I don't wish to give it freely!

As crude as it may be for me to say, I can't help but to think that even if she were to return your feelings, the relationship would not hold out very well. If that is how she reacted to some of the feelings you had for her, I dare say how she'd handle feelings from other people. Perhaps she still has a ways to mature before she is ready for a relationship with anyone.

If she didn't have the strength to be nice, even if not accepting of your feelings, how far do you think you would have lasted with her if she did have feelings for you? If you ask me, I think you deserve someone a lot better! I'm not saying she's a bad person-rather, I just feel that for the way she finds fit to handle a given situation is at a level you are far above.

Regardless of whose right and whose wrong, I don't think you should hate yourself for just this one girl! I'm glad that you have such a passion for her. Why not take that passion and save it for a girl who will willingly accept it? A lot of people have romantic desires. But there are just so many oppurtunities out there, can you really begin to hate yourself this early on in the game? I think you'll find that you are indeed a kind-hearted person and will have plenty of chances in the future. I find it easier when I look at couples to think of how much of a sucessfull future I'll have with a lover as opposed to thinking of how I don't have a lover.

I'm glad to be here for you! I don't think I've been too much of a help to you, but I'm always glad to lend an ear and offer any advice or opinions I have! I hope you can start looking towards the future a bit more optimistically!

 

[claycad]

Not to sound insensitive to your problem, but you are contemplating suicide for the soul reason of you liked a girl who didn't like you back? Don't get me wrong, the feelings of loneliness and not ever being loved sucks, and is one of the MANY reason I contemplate suicide, but certainly not the only reason. I envy you for the fact that you can even talk to girls at all, as that is something I can't even do. At least the fact that you can talk to girls says that there is hope and you just have to give it some time.

 

[babycheeses]

I don't think the issue is "a girl". I think maybe you have attachment issues (which I recognise cause I think I've got them myself).

The problem is not whether or not this girl will like you it's what will happen to you without her: you conclude that you'll forever be lonely and die that way but it's a very fatalistic response to rejection.

Many people face rejection: some rejection is painful as hell because the love or desire for the person you have affection for makes the refusal for reprocal feelings of love more heart-wrenching.
It's not easy for anyone but you just need to hold on to the fact that just because this person rejected romantic engagement with you it doesn't mean you have no hope of finding someone who'll make you feel less lonely.

If this girl is nice it might be worth retaining a friendship with her: and if she's nice, as you say, I'm sure she'd let that much happen. But I think you need some time away from her so you can realise that without her being involved with you you can still go on with your life. She'd probably appreciate the space too, since she doesn't feel intimate affection for you.

It's also worth considering what it is you like and don't like about this girl: break it down, make it more palatable and real. Sometimes we can hold even the worst people in our lives on a pedestal to fill a the loneliness.

 

[shinitai]

Ok, I'll think about these things. Thanks, y'all. I think I'll go have breakfast now. I have something really important to do this weekend, and it would be silly to die beforehand. But I'm gonna try not to feel guilty over living again. If I do, I'll post some more of those feelings. If anyone wants to give some more advice, that's also cool; I'll read it.

 

[WeepingWillow]

You love this girl and she didn't return your feelings. She obviously isn't right for you. This may suck now, but think about later on when you do meet someone who is right and how good that will feel when those feelings are returned. That is a good feeling and worth waiting for. I had attachment issues for a long while. It sucked for me and for anyone I grew attached to. Bue eventually you do learn you can be happy on your own and when you do find someone, it's great. And there are a LOT of other things to life other than relationships. I hope you have at least one good friend to be there for you. If not, you have people here and eventually you will have someone there. What you are wanting is not all that far-fetched and is possible. Escaping pain thru death is very permanent but your problems, I assure you, are temporary. Keep talking to the people on here, it has helped me a lot and it opens your eyes to a lot of things.

 

[shinitai]

Yeah, someone on here helped me, but I don't know how long I'll stay eating. There's something I need to do this weekend, but after that, I don't know. I feel so burned out. I failed my history quiz yesterday. I was kinda hoping I'd get diagnosed with male breast cancer today, but I didn't, so I guess that means if I want to die, I'll have to kill myself.

I don't know if I am able to meet new people. I was doing that for a while, but it looks like I can't risk meeting or getting closer to any (girl) at my school. At least when things blew up on me with the girl I met online, there were no consequences other than I was suicidal. But the experience before had consequences where I was warned if this happened again, I'd get kicked out of school. So I'm afraid to be not lonely, even though it's so painful to be lonely and hated by girls I love.

I just feel so trapped! After this weekend, I can't guarentee I'll keep eating and drinking. I can't hide from my pain. The pain says I don't really have much of a function in the world, so I should just abort now instead of later. By the way, I'm only 21. I've actually thought about suicide since about 8th grade. Then a few years ago since I've been in college, I've been happy, but I became suicidal again in March of last year when this happened. Then, I found someone on the internet to latch onto, and it depresses me so much that history gradually repeated itself over the course of 5 months.

I don't want to be lonely anymore. It is so painful to make a friend and get attached to them and fall in love with them after a while, say months or a year and a half, only to have them hate you not be in your life anymore.