Help me please, I don't wanna...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Xian, Dec 20, 2006.

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  1. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    So here's the story real quick:

    I talked to this girl I had a crush on online and she never saw what i looked like before. We flirted but she wanted to see what i looked like...she said she wasn't shallow but she needed to be attracted to the person which seems reasonable.

    So I was able to get her some pictures tonight and i left them for her, signed off, then signed back on and come to find out she's not on, not even an away message, which was rare! Come to find she blocked me. I know this for sure because I used one of those sites that see if the person is really online.

    Anyway, I've had Social Anxiety and Depression since I was about 13 (6 years ago), and most of my fears were irrational. I never thought I was ugly, in fact I thought I was somewhat attractive. I had never been shut down before this because I've almost never tried to get with anyone, and for a long time I've feared that something like this was coming up and it would blow me right off the path of healing.

    Well as I'm sitting here typing this there is blood dripping down my arm. It's not enough to kill me or anything but I just needed to "punish" myself and feel that hot pain, and it doesn't feel good but I feel like I fucking deserve it.

    I've been coming on this site for a while helping people whenever I can.

    But what I'm saying now is please help me here and support me because I feel like doing something really stupid. I told my psychiatrist last week that I had feared having a nervous breakdown big enough to land me in a hospital. And he said that it was real unlikely, especially given my success so far, and that was comforting. And today I had one of the best sessions ever with my therapist who I credit with saving my life.

    I am just really angry with myself and with "her" and with the way that I feel like no matter how far you come, it doesn't take shit to pull you back. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Of course it hurts be rejected in anyway is terribly painful, especially in an area in which we feel weak...but this event saved you from investing in someone who is so very shallow and uncaring...there are many ways to set limits in relationships that leave both persons with honor, even when young...she sounds like an immature, nacassistic fool to pass you by because of your DNA and amino acids...her loss...someone else's gain! I am sure it does not feel that way now, but you are waaaaaaaaaaaaay too good of a person to have been treated this way...sorry you were hurt when so vunerable, but this is not a reason to not try is hard and we get hurt...just the way it is...sorry again, big hugs, Jackie
  3. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    Thanx Jackie it helps a lot...
    I'm feeling much better now. Last night I said a prayer after I posted that and I fell asleep feeling safer than I was.

    I know I'm a good person, and no one deserves to be treated that way. I've come too far to be beaten like this. I'll be okay. :)
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad to hear that you are doing better...please keep it up and know that you are truly cared for here...and to me, you are beautiful, no matter what you pic looks like...big hugs, Jackie
  5. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    Bullshit are you ugly, you're a realy good looking lad hon xxx
  6. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Hey Xian,

    I have no idea what you look like, so I can't say one way or another (but I'm a dude, so that'd be weird, lol). But in reality, what people are attracted to varies. Not all women like muscular guys for example (I know of atleast one...). Some women like guys with big noses, or long hair etc. It's all a matter of preference.

    For me, presently, I'd have to be attracted to a women, both physically and mentally, to go out with her. Granted, the latter is more important. But, I don't think it's wrong to want to go with someone you're attracted to, as long as that quality of the person doesn't take precedence. Just keep looking, man, you'll find someone. I'm sure there are plenty of eager women out there.
  7. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Hey Xian,
    I hear you and can relate. Same thing happened to me with a good friend, we were best buddies for 2 months and then she decided she didn't want to be good friends anymore and stopped all contact more or less. We used to talk over the phone and email each other, now she doesn't return emails or calls, told me she's too busy and when she has time she prefers to spend time with 'closer friends'.
    A few weeks ago I was standing over a bridge and thinking about jumping, and it still hurts. I really miss her and still like her. I also felt like a loser and a reject.

    I know that God loves me, and that He loves you too. And I know that you know it as well. He has our whole lives planned ahead of us, who knows what His plans for our future are. Although being 'shot down' by someone we like a lot clearly hurts, He's looking out for us. You have accepted Him as Your savour and leader and He will never leave you.

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
  8. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    Well this is going to sound really selfish, but I'm actually glad to hear that I'm not the only one this is happening to.

    You should take comfort in that as well. At least it was just your appearance, you shouldn't worry about that too much. The people that deserve you won't care what you look like. Girls suddenly stop talking to me because my personality is flawed.

    Not as flawed as that shallow inconsiderate moron's that used to waste your time though. I don't know how people like that can live with themselves.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... well sometimes this happens. People are weirder online than in real life. To be honest I do not know why she would block you... other than she was just playing with you to begin with.

    I am not sure why you need to punish yourself... why did you do that again?

    My advice is to keep all online relationships online..... that is sort of my new policy the only exceptions would be for people I have known for at least 1.5 years online. Maybe what you need is to just to take a break from relationships in general. And the internet is the best place to do that. Just come here and browse around threads and give advice.

    I don't know, or you could just go off and do something really implusive and against your beliefs something that you will regret. Or try something new you know like being in the real world or a new sport or something.... I don't know just a thought.
  10. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    HI Xian, glad U didn't do anything to yourself. Please talk with us about your feelings anytime. It is very strange for that girl to do that to U. It certainly won't feel nice but U know, girls are like that. One moment they'll be in love with U and the next they won't even look at U anymore. The important part to remember is that women will be women and irrationality runs deep in them. Don't worry, I am sure U will find someone and I am sure U are not ugly!
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