I’m sick of this roller coaster called life. I’m 34 and It just seems like the ups aren’t as fun and the lows are getting worse. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was a young teenager. For twenty years I’ve persevered mainly because I feel guilty about wanting it to end. I’ve almost died twice, a car accident and cancer. Both times it was a disappointment to have made it out the other side. No “new lease on life” thoughts for me. The ups and downs of the last 6 years is due to me falling madly in love with someone who was so wrong for me. My head knew after a month or two it was bad news, but my heart and other head went full steam ahead through the most challenging, rewarding, horrible, amazing six years of my life. We have two little boys together who are perfect. We finally split on Sunday, and I haven’t seen them since then. I want to but she won’t even let me talk to them on the phone. It’s killing me...
Help me please
- Thread starter blueteam
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Hi again
Damn that's messed up. No wonder you feel like shit. I'm sorry to hear about your kids. Eh, and the woman too but I sense the kids are what hurts more right now.
You did realize that she can't keep the kids away from you. I mean she can make it difficult & such but she can't keep your kids from you but for so long. How old are they? Hey man, they need their dad. Seriously. You've been fending off feeling bad for years & you've been successful at it thus far. Kids need parents. My mother killed herself when I was 25 & it fucked me up. I wad an adult already! Don't let your younger kids fall into that legacy.
And about your woman. Thats hard core. Break up & divorce are what drives literally at least a third of the traffic here I bet. It's tough. Six months or 6 years or 30 years, people come because they can't deal. Can't understand how there's gonna be life (or love!) again after this person they've lost.
But BT, it's only been a few days. That makes for not a lot of time for you two to sort your feelings, focus on what lies ahead or how to proceed. You've been with this person for a long time do your feelings don't shut off like a light switch. You can't expect to feel ok in a few days.. or maybe even a few months.
But... there is hope. They're is time. There are people here that will keep you hanging on for the moment while you get through this really dark place. Do you have support in the real world? Family, friends, etc?
Damn that's messed up. No wonder you feel like shit. I'm sorry to hear about your kids. Eh, and the woman too but I sense the kids are what hurts more right now.
You did realize that she can't keep the kids away from you. I mean she can make it difficult & such but she can't keep your kids from you but for so long. How old are they? Hey man, they need their dad. Seriously. You've been fending off feeling bad for years & you've been successful at it thus far. Kids need parents. My mother killed herself when I was 25 & it fucked me up. I wad an adult already! Don't let your younger kids fall into that legacy.
And about your woman. Thats hard core. Break up & divorce are what drives literally at least a third of the traffic here I bet. It's tough. Six months or 6 years or 30 years, people come because they can't deal. Can't understand how there's gonna be life (or love!) again after this person they've lost.
But BT, it's only been a few days. That makes for not a lot of time for you two to sort your feelings, focus on what lies ahead or how to proceed. You've been with this person for a long time do your feelings don't shut off like a light switch. You can't expect to feel ok in a few days.. or maybe even a few months.
But... there is hope. They're is time. There are people here that will keep you hanging on for the moment while you get through this really dark place. Do you have support in the real world? Family, friends, etc?
Things have been falling apart for us for a while, so it’s only been a few days but a long time coming if you get my drift. It’s been a long time that I have been just trying to make it work in order to keep that ideal family together. I grew up in a textbook family. Mom Dad still in love after 40 years, dr sister, hit shot programmer brother. All wonderful caring people too. Then there is me, I felt I had the same tools and potential as everyone else but I just can’t ever make a single fucking thing work (can I cuss on here? Sorry I’m new). I don’t know if I feel worse about it not working out with her, or that I was a fool enough to try. I knew it was a live grenade the whole time but I still sewed it into my chest and now I’m surprised it went off.
Man! I'm telling you, I feel you.
Relationships don't generally just dissolve from nowhere, it happens over time and usually (!!) both people know it's happening.
I had one keel over after 13+ years. It sucked! That was... 8 years ago now? 9? I'm ok & frankly I have been for a very long time. Its terrible at first but as with most things it starts to feel a little better as the seasons change.
But the kids! You gotta figure that out. Thats important.
We're all different people. Some of us are doctors & some ain't. Is your brother a heartless prick? Cause maybe you got assets the others are missing. You've obviously got a good heart & care genuinely for people. You're gonna fit in real good here. You should stick around.
Relationships don't generally just dissolve from nowhere, it happens over time and usually (!!) both people know it's happening.
I had one keel over after 13+ years. It sucked! That was... 8 years ago now? 9? I'm ok & frankly I have been for a very long time. Its terrible at first but as with most things it starts to feel a little better as the seasons change.
But the kids! You gotta figure that out. Thats important.
We're all different people. Some of us are doctors & some ain't. Is your brother a heartless prick? Cause maybe you got assets the others are missing. You've obviously got a good heart & care genuinely for people. You're gonna fit in real good here. You should stick around.
So it was falling apart like I said. She never believes me, she gets ideas that no matter what kind of eyewitness report or testimony she can’t be swayed from her idea. Her favorite one is I cheat on her of course, old standby. I don’t. Never have, never would. I want that magic forever thing. All I do is work then come home. Few to no friends, no guys night out etc. So of course I cheat on her at work she says. But anyway, the straw that broke the camels back, we had been at each other all day, she says I put hot sauce on her enchilada pizza . I swear on a stack of bibles I didn’t but she “sure” I did. I explain it’s Mexican style pizza etc she doesn’t believe me. I’ve been getting like treatment all day, I throw a slice of pizza at her. Not cool I know, kids weren’t in the room, pizza wasn’t hot anymore, but i did it. Unbeknownst to me, she files assault charges. Yes technically throwing food is assault, I know that. As far as throwing shit she’s Nolan Ryan but I’ve never called police on her for it. Gets better, She told the police I had an AR (I don’t), a concealed weapon permit (I don’t), told them I threatened to shoot any cop that came to my house (I didn’t). I got the tactical machine guns in my face arrest while sleeping on the couch :/
Also, I hope you can lean on your family while you're here with us. We're all here 24/7 but responses often take time. A thread goes unanswered for hours & you can feel left behind & no one wants that! If you've got friends or family there to text or call that's a great thing. A lot of folks here don't feel like they've got that ability.
Keep posting. You're doing a good job already. Take care, see you later. I work nights so I'm off to look for food.
Keep posting. You're doing a good job already. Take care, see you later. I work nights so I'm off to look for food.
So do you have court brewing on this? Seems things like whether you've got weapons or a CCP are pretty easy to prove.
You're admitting you threw the pizza slice at her but that's a misdemeanor. Dumb! But a misdemeanor. If you've got court then you beat the case or take the punishment, either way bit that's still not grounds to keep your kids away at this point. She can try to get a restraining order based on all that but it'll only hold up through court time.
Yeah more complicated that it seems on the surface but it's gonna work out, I think. That being said, nothing happens if you're dead. The kids get raised by Nolan Ryan & some new guy & you're just in the ground. That doesn't sound great either.
You're admitting you threw the pizza slice at her but that's a misdemeanor. Dumb! But a misdemeanor. If you've got court then you beat the case or take the punishment, either way bit that's still not grounds to keep your kids away at this point. She can try to get a restraining order based on all that but it'll only hold up through court time.
Yeah more complicated that it seems on the surface but it's gonna work out, I think. That being said, nothing happens if you're dead. The kids get raised by Nolan Ryan & some new guy & you're just in the ground. That doesn't sound great either.
You’re right on both accounts, but it’s more that as my life as I know it falls apart again, I feel everything I want and everything I’ve poured my soul into crumbling in my hands. This is 3rd 5 year+ relationship I’ve been in that went to crap. 5-7 years and it’s over. I feel like I’m the constant there and I worked so hard and wanted this so bad I just feel devastated that this isn’t going to work out. But at the same time I knew from the get go it wasn’t going to work out (because she’s impossible!!) but I thought I could beat the odds. Why did I think that? Why did I even want to beat the odds. It’s like I set myself up for failure
But this is more about me than my relationships, I know that I love her and I know it’s impossible to make her happy and that in turn makes me miserable which is not my bag. We have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I swore to myself up and down I would make it work with her for our boys. We both love them dearly and I think In our own ways we did try. I think I tried MUCH harder but I’m aware that she would probably give the same story. I was so set on giving those boys a good home life but they got mom yelling at Dad constantly. I work 70 hours a week. Most of the workday I can be on the Bluetooth and I feel like most of their days have been listening to mom yell at me on the phone, then have us try to make up and spend time with them before I need to sleep to do it all the next day. Not easy for anyone and not what I want for my kids. I feel like they are young enough that if i gracefully exit stage left forever it might give them the best chance to have a better life with their mom and whatever road her life goes down
I don’t want to be the weekend dad, nor do I feel justified battling her for custody. She raised them while i worked enough for both of us. We tried to do that for the betterment of our family but I think it just ruined it. She resented that I was never home and when I was I didn’t do enough. I resented that I could work myself to exhaustion six days, 70 hours a week and still be berated that I don’t do anything that needs to be done.
And she always thought I was cheating on her. She monitored my phone bill, which is not cool because it shows a total lack of trust, but I allowed it because I had nothing to hide. But no lack of evidence could ever convince her it wasn’t happening. She had been cheated on before and her parents cheated on each other so I get where it came from but I felt like I was constantly on trial for the same crime i never committed
You may want to read justrob's thread about being a suicidal parent.
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/you-are-not-alone.134405/
At the bottom of his post, in his signature is a link titled
"Your Kids Will Not Be OK When You Are Gone (blog post from the daughter of a man who killed himself)."
Given the way your ex seems to be violent and unstable, I think it's fair to say that you would probably make a better parent than her.
I don't think you would necessarily have to get into a custody battle with her, but at some point, one or both of the boys may say "I want to live with daddy".
Normally I'd say try doing couples counseling, but your ex seems to be full-on abusive and unstable. It sounds like a case where the two of you shouldn't be together.
Still, the goal of couples counseling doesn't have to be to get back together, it can be about ending a relationship on as good terms as possible. She sounds like she may even be too dangerous to be in the same room with though.
It seems like if you can get some treatment methods so that you don't feel suicidal, be ok being single for a while, figure out why you fall in love with abusive women, and fix that, life could get a lot better for you.
Life could get a lot better for you. And your sons are going to need you. Maybe they'll just need you, or maybe they'll desperately need you.
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/you-are-not-alone.134405/
At the bottom of his post, in his signature is a link titled
"Your Kids Will Not Be OK When You Are Gone (blog post from the daughter of a man who killed himself)."
Given the way your ex seems to be violent and unstable, I think it's fair to say that you would probably make a better parent than her.
I don't think you would necessarily have to get into a custody battle with her, but at some point, one or both of the boys may say "I want to live with daddy".
Normally I'd say try doing couples counseling, but your ex seems to be full-on abusive and unstable. It sounds like a case where the two of you shouldn't be together.
Still, the goal of couples counseling doesn't have to be to get back together, it can be about ending a relationship on as good terms as possible. She sounds like she may even be too dangerous to be in the same room with though.
It seems like if you can get some treatment methods so that you don't feel suicidal, be ok being single for a while, figure out why you fall in love with abusive women, and fix that, life could get a lot better for you.
Life could get a lot better for you. And your sons are going to need you. Maybe they'll just need you, or maybe they'll desperately need you.
I am really sorry you are going through this. You've survived this long. Perhaps there's a reason you are still here...a yet to be realized purpose? Maybe a struggle you need to lead your two amazing kids through? Maybe life has dealt you this tough hand so you can show these kids they can overcome by not giving up. Hang in there. I'm praying for peace in your heart during this hard time.
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