I am hurting so badly on the inside right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to die, but I am afraid to try again. Plus I am out of pills to do so. I have not gone to the pharmacy to get any refills because I don't trust myself with them. So now I am not sleeping right to make things worse. I have been feeling this way for what seems to be such a long time now. Two months or longer. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel that so many people keep telling me is there. Do I continue to trust others? Do I trust my own judgement? I am not sure what to do at this point. I want to just run away from it all but it doesn't seem to matter how fast or how far I try to run the problems are still there. I feel as though I am trapped inside this cage that is me. I can't escape from it. Ot sucks that all that I want is a little relief and that the only way that I can see do achieve it is by dying. I have been suicidal before and it seems that when I end up back in this dark hole of despair I have amnesia. I can't remember what has helped in the past. I have tried everything that I can think of to try and find my way out. It just doesn't seem to help at all. I come to you at this site to try and find the help that I so deeply desire. I am just not sure how much longer I can take it. I tried to kill myself 5 times last month and into this one. It didn't work obviously. I don't remember the last time that I cared so little. There is a guy in my life right now that says that he is falling in love with me. The problem with this is that he is still involved with someone else that he keeps telling me he is going to end things with. I haven't know him for a real long time. I guess that I trust him. I do like him a lot though. We talk and talk, but at the same time I feel as though I am playing second fiddle. I don't want to be that person. The one that always hurts others. I can't even seem to be able to cry right now. And it seems to me like that would be a huge relief. If I could shed these tears that are keeping me captive. My life is a never ending nightmare that I can't wake up from. I know that there is no magic pill or magic words to make this better. I need help right now to try to continue to fight my way through this. All of my friends tend to turn their backs on me when I feel so down. I know that I am no fun to be around, and I find no enjoyment in anything. .How do I keep plugging away at something that I don't give a rat's ass about? Can someone help me? I am alone and not feeling very well. I need help. My therapist is out of town and my doctor is on maternity leave so I can't even rely on those people for any type of support...not that they usually help much any way. PLease help me.