Help me understand..

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by justMe7, Sep 4, 2014.

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  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Why I can't stay angry at myself. Why I feel so much rage and frustration at how I'm letting my life slip through my hands.. but then continually reach this euphoric state which dissolves my motivation.

    I'm pretty sure my routine, and distractions coupled with lack of accomplishments and daily growth/challenges is what the issue is. But idk. I hate feeling comfortable. It's like I can adapt to the worst situations and just accept it, instead of asserting who I am and what I want, so I can mold the situation rather then it molding me.

    My lifes literally falling between my fingers, and I'm tired of it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to repel bad behaviors? Maybe more revolving around procrastination, distractions and similar feelings?
    (funnily enough a thread like this sorta perpetuates the issue. I guess the answer in the end is just do it and stop letting myself get distracted)
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2014
  2. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling. I'm in my late 30's and things are falling apart in the house I live. Other people here expect me to understand them. I can't deal with other peoples problems, I got my own. I've thrown away the past 10 years. I don't know how much time I have left where I'll have any peace of mind or have a body that can be strong enough to move around well enough for me to work.

    I just want to work again. I feel like if I can't do that there's no dignity in this life. I just stand here and get angry. There's got to be something for me to do goddamnit and yet I don't want to go through the effort of looking. Clock is ticking. Any time and I could lose any chance. I've worked in my past and I've worked recently at least small scale. I can jog and walk for miles. I can still jump and get my head on the roof. I have some physical issues though that weigh on me and stress me out. I worry they'll somehow stop me from working again or having a life I want to live.

    I never cared enough. Like yourself, I get distracted too easily. It's really this computer. It addicts me. But I don't know what else to do around here. I can walk, but walk where? Same places I've walked for 1,000 years? Do I go homeless? Where? What if my health fails?

    I know this is a serious situation. And I know the ground is slipping away. I don't know how much ground is left. I'm not happy here at home. It's always a source of bad feelings. I love to get out. Getting out is the only way I find any sense of stability. Yet I'm running low on money. I've let myself down so badly. I've let my family down. I have so much shame.

    And yes thoughts of offing myself have entered my mind. The thoughts don't occur often but they creep in. And I imagine jumping and then a peace comes over me as I realize all the chaos of this world, no matter how beautiful it can be, will finally end for me. I know this world an be good and I know other people can and do enjoy it, but I just cannot stay here when I feel like the only reason is just to not have others be emotionally hurt when I'm gone or scorn me as selfish.

    Thing is, I still have a strong desire to live. I've had so many good times. I want to stick around if I think there's a chance. But what happens if I stick around and the chance is lost? How will I know and how painful will it be? This life to me is only worth it if I feel I'm not walking on coals. I don't want to be a vegetable confined to a bed or to heavy medications or some similar desperate state. I don't want to live in a prison or a place of fire and brimstone. I'm not willing to sacrifice so much just to live. If I think it'll come to that, I'm headin for a high place to end this journey.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2014
  3. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    SBlake, on the subject of repelling bad behaviors, I am pushing myself to go to a agricultural thing in the next day or two. I will do some work and get a free meal. I wanted a friend to come along, but he won't be available.

    What I need is something like that EVERY day with some wage. God help me.

    Sometimes I wonder if by surrounding myself with this home I live in and going to forums like this, if all I'm doing is just appealing to the part of me which feels gunned down. I used to have jobs. I used to go to school. I was half-way normal, at least. Now look at me! What am I afraid of? Well by living in this damn home so much all I'm doing is training those parts of me that live here to continue to live here. If I don't get out into the world outside, how on Earth am I going to train those parts of me necessary to survive outside this cocoon I'm in?

    I REALIZE people can be legitimately hurt and their back against the wall, and so they need some level of protection and "cocoon", but sometimes I get the feeling this "cocoon" doesn't protect me, it draws me in like a seductress lamia and makes me more vulnerable and unable.

    Good fortunes SBlake.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2014
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I think my problem is that I've spent so long trying to stay ahead of myself, by keeping what I want "vocal", I've neglected to actually create it and make it happen.

    It feels like I'm stretched so far away from my heart, but when I center myself I can actually do things. It's just a bastard, keeping what I want solid and alive so I can aim for it.
    I can understand why I've violently retracted. I can also understand why I so cowardly haven't taken charge. .. I can carry those parts and go through. It's just interesting, and difficult to keep those perspectives balanced on my shoulders so I am aware of their presence, without being consumed by them or others.
    Pretty sure it has everything to do with how I see myself, and the parts of life around me. A lack of direct control can do that I spose.

    My problems weak commitment. Behind the scenes of that I have all those answers. It's just doing it. It's wanting and driving through when another feeling or issue flares it's presence. The biggest torment for me is "not doing it right" or the best. I hate just "doing it". It's how it's done, and how it continues/ends that matters to me. And honestly, I'm starting from the floor which is a beast to overcome.

    For me it's everyday, every moment now. I've got habits to break, lethargic feelings to shed, things to prove and learn. And I know in 10 minutes I'm going to fall back into a energy sapping zone. It's why my want and desires are so important. Making that light in this dark void. Committing to another fiction that possibly can be made into a reality which can be touched and connected with.

    Without me, without what I want and desire I feel no point. I feel breaking down to whatever I was before I formed into me is better. Atleast I, or this would be whatever it is. instead of living with the potential to be what I am, but existing as something else. I see no point in living without breathing.. and I need to breath. I think the hardest part is though, seeing myself in the mirror and my mind, and really hating the habits, thoughts and reactions I express with. Even my writing is horrendous. I know I desperately butchered this crap together just so I could keep something alive. But that's not enough to just comprehend a dream. Not anymore.. a sanity from this insanity is "forgetting". But that sanity is just a curse that I'm not prepared to entertain anymore..

    Thanks for the response. I appreciate it. Sorry for the crazyness that it is for me right now.

    Best wishes johnnysays - fight your good fight
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