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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    I think I'm completely crazy. I don't know what to believe anymore. I think I'm making all this crap up with myself, I don't know what to do. Am I making this stuff up? Or is it real? Or am I so far gone.... I don't know anymore. I can't feel anything, I'm empty! Am I just reading this stuff and thinking I'm having it? I don't know, I'm too crazy, I'm too far gone. They were right all along I'm just doing this for attention, there is nothing fucking wrong with me at all. I don't know, I'm tired of living with myself, I'm so crazy, I hate it. Whether this is real or not. If its real then I am completely crazy and its too late. If its all in my head and I just think its real, is that worse because I'm so delusional... I don't know.I don't know I don't know I don't know I'm a complete fake, none of this is real. They were right, they were right all along, I'm so stupid, what do I know! I'm the mental hypochondriac, ha, I've just read stuff and then made myself think I have it! There's nothing wrong with me except being crazy, no metal illness, no depression, nothing. I can't feel anything. I can't trust myself, I'm so crazy! They were right all along, what do I know. I can't feel anything! I'm doing it again! What the fuck is wrong with me, why am I doing this, why am I so fucking crazy, I've made all of this up, I can't feel anything. I can't think and I can think, I see what I'm typing and I am typing it, I don't know. I'm such a fraud. I can't feel anything. I can't express anything, I'm on the edge of panic but I'm completely numb, what do I do! I hate myself, why am I doing this! I don't know whats real anymore, I can't trust myself, I can't believe anything I think or feel or whatever else. I'm such a fraud, what to I do, I should just end it. I feel this and I feel nothing, am I just making it up? Am I so crazy. I'm watching myself and typing this and, and I don't know what else I am doing. I am so numb and I am screaming inside and calm outside. I don't understand. What am I supposed to feel, do, I don't know. If this is real why am I able to type and be numb, I'm so numb, I'm so confused. I don't know what to do, I'm a fake, I'm stupid. I hate this, what am I supposed to do. I want to die. I don't know anything anymore. I hate myself, I'm so stupid, I've lost it. I'm not right on anything so why should I believe this is real, I can't feel anything! I'm a complete fraud and a liar. I hate this. Everything is wrong, I've just been making this up the whole entire time! I don't know what is real, I'm observing myself and talking and typing this I don't fucking know!I'm done, I'm tired of being this, this, whatever I am. I don't understand, why me? Why can't I be whole again! I hate this. I'm so confused. I can't believe myself, I don't know what real and what's not. It's game over. I don't know what to do. Why, just why?! I just want to flick a power switch and be done with this. I don't know who I am, I don't know who I am, I don't know where I am, I don't know what I am. I hate this I am such a fraud, I've made everything up, they were right, they are always right. I can't feel anything real, I'm not real. I can't deal with this, I don't want to do it anymore. I want silence, I want quiet, I want normalcy, I want to be one. I am so many places at once, i'm tired of it what do i do! I am screaming and crying on the inside, yet I feel nothing on the outside. I am so fake I hate this I hate this I hate this1
  2. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    it's okay, we're here with you. you're not being very coherent. you should focus on that.
  3. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    Astrid, whether what is happening is real or not isn't really the question, because it feels real to you. The pain you are going through is as real as any broken arm or broken leg (and worse) because regardless of what anyone else thinks, YOU are feeling it. I'm so sorry that you're suffering right now. I was at that same place just this morning, and I know how scary and confusing it can be. I've been told over and over that I am making things worse for myself, and it's awful and frustrating when people don't understand. Please try to take some slow, deep breaths and be mindful of your feelings. You're on the right track already in that you are able to communicate your thoughts, even if you don't understand them right now. Please be safe. You are in our thoughts.
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid, Right now it does not matter, I am sorry that you are having these issues and you are questioning yourself, I can relate to the feeling of being numb, I have felt that way so many times, I know what it is like to be screaming on the inside and calm on the outside too. I fall to pieces when I am alone, so I really hide what I feel like to the outside people, I, like so many others, am afraid to show my real face, I have wondered to if I am going crazy or if I appear to be crazy to others, but to me now it no longer matters.
    Astrid I am so sorry to see and feel you like this though, I cry when I see some one your age having to go through this and deal with all these issues pretty much on your own, from what I can tell anyways,
    I keep thinking of writing Skeeta Dew and Willow Whispers story but I can't every time I start, I end up crying, I have worked on Ambulances, I have seen people die, I have picked up some of my friends after they had been shot! So I am not a stranger to death
    but when it comes to my pets, I break down! Astrid, I do not question you, I am not, I do not pass judgement on you or ask if what you tells me is it real or is it false, to me it does not matter, I take you at face Value! I know to that having a power switch would be nice, it would be so fast clean and easy, but we don't have one, It is not suppose to be easy! I do not want to do this anymore either. , Here I am Astrid, I am here because you might need me, you might have to hear the words I say! Astrid, Please be Easy on yourself.
    Astrid please be gentle and kind to yourself! You need to have some Quiet Time. You need it, You DESERVE IT Please be here tomorrow!
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thanks guys, I'm not exactly sure what happened last night and I can just vaguely recall any of it.
    I just barely remember sending this and I rememeber waking up sometime an hour or so later unable to remeber much of anything. I don't know what happened.
    Re reading this and thinking back, I think what happened was that after I ended up self harming, because I couldn't feel anything. I started doubting if anything was real. Everything in my head, the peraonalities, the PTSD, my memories, the depression, everything. Was it real? Because at that moment I couldn't feel anything, I was numb, yet I could feel that little compressed place on the back of my mind screaming, yet I felt nothing, because I was protected by something. But it came out in my writting. I assume that if anyone ever saw me typeing these they'd assume nothing was wrong becasue this is how I am all the time, externally. Quiet and shy. And I feel that as as well calm. But at the same time I am also watching myself and the room, talking and articulating these thoughts, screaming and crying in pain, and lastly, wondering if I am really experiencing these things and feeling them or is it my imagination, an elaborate trick of my mind.
    I don't know what to believe anymore, I can't trust myself.
    Am I reading these things online and really conecting them to what I am experiencing or am I reading these symptoms then making it up? Am I really expiriencing or feeling anything? I don't know anymore.
    Is it really personalities doing this or is it normal, or did I make it up? I don't know. I can't figure it out. I dont know what I am supposed to believe or do. I dont understand. Its so fake, is this real or am I making it up?
    Whether this is real or not why am I so delusional and have to go though this! If I'm making it up, why, just why?
    I'm not sure if I can make it until tomorrow, nothing has gone right today.
    I am so tired of this.
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