i'm done with life and the pain it brings! i'm so sick and tired of it! it's absolutely ridiculous! why does life have to be this hard?? why do i have to feel so much? my mom is controlling and oppressive, my dad was and alcoholic and abusive. i cut... i'm underweight and trying to lose more weight. i have a best friend who doesn't talk to me about anything. i just need help. i need to know that someone out there needs me to be alive... and it's not that i want to die, it's just that i don't want to be alive.... god, i just want to be dead. it would be so much easier for everyone. i would stop hurting people. everyone would be happier with me gone.... my mom says that i do it all for attention.. which is sooo not true. i hate attention. she thinks i'm making it all up.... the depression and suicidal thoughts... well, i've settled everything. i've made my notes and my video.... i will kill myself. i'm just waiting for that one last thing that sets me over the edge... god, i hate myself. i feel like i'm complaining. am i complaining? do i have a right to say what's on my mind... because it's getting too much to bear... too much... it is soo much to deal with... nothing is forgotten and i just want it all to go away.. i want to go away. everyone is like..."don't die" and "you should stay" and "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem". well, i frankly don't give a shit anymore. i don't care about my life. at. all. i just wish everything would go away... but it's not like i'm completely heartless... i love my parents and my siblings my boyfriend and my best friend... my best friend especially. i don't know what it would do to her if i died.... she's the one reason why i haven't done anything....yet.. but how deep does love really go? how long do i have to suffer? my mood swings are unpredictable and within the next hour or so, i'll be so far away from being happy.... never happy.. not really. there's only two instances where i'm "happy".. it's with my boyfriend and my best friend... they would care. but i don't. i mean, about them, yes. i care about them. a lot. i just don't care about myself... *sigh* i just don't know of any other solution... i'm just tired of it all... tired of life in general. if there is a god, why does he make us suffer? why?? i know life isn't fair, but come on! seriously! it's stupid... i just need a sign! something to tell me whether or not to end my life!!! i'm so confused. i know i'm a walking, talking, typing contradiction.... but i can't help it. i just get confused and upset... but i've been depressed for over a year now.. *sigh* I'M JUST SHIT TIRED OF THIS FUCKING LIFE! WHAT'S THE POINT IN LIVING?!?!?! ahhhh I'M DONE!!! THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!