help me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dink, Sep 21, 2006.

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  1. dink

    dink Well-Known Member

    Someone told me a few weeks ago that I needed her permission to kill myself. Now she won't talk to me. Should I take that as a sign? I am in so much internal pain. I just want my suffering to end. I know that I say that I don't know what t do and I really don't. It is hard always wanting to die.It is even harder not wanting to live. Both seem to be oxymorons of each other. I don't know why I drive everyone in my life to hate me. But it certainly seems to be the case. I want to get so much off of my chest...but I really don't know exactly what I am feeling. Sad, depressed, suicidal...yes...but my true feelings a hidden even from me. It sometimes scares me to feel. I have a hard time differentiating feelings from the things that are real. Because to me feelings control me. I don't control them. One of the things that I tend to say a lot is..."means , method, and motivation. I have all three. I just want the pain to go away. I don't rmrmber the last time that I was happy. My phone rings and I don't want to answer it because I can't deal with the world's problems right now. I am the one that is always in charge of fixing everyone else. I can't fix myself. I know that I need help but I no longer know where to turn to get it. I start to wonder if there is anything that can help me. I feel hopeless and helpless to control my own destination. Sometimes I rattle off at the mouth and don't even really know what I am saying. It is sort of like word association. When I ramble I just hope that something that comes out makes a little bit of sense.
     
  2. dink

    dink Well-Known Member

    No one wants to talk to me I get it now. GB.
    Dink
     
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    hun you want me to PM you?





    :hug:


    xxxx
     
  4. dink

    dink Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I want. I guess that I want someone anyone to give a damn. I can't find the strength or courage inside of myself anymore.
     
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you feel so aweful hun, I know it's no fun.......:hug:




    ......Remember I am here for you and I do give a damn...........





    xxxxxxxx
     
  6. Moogue13

    Moogue13 Guest

    I am feeling you Dink - I know exactly how you feel.... so called friends and family come running to you when they are having problems expecting you to wave a majic wand over their lives...and when it comes to us being in crisis there is noone around to help. I think it is maybe because we feel too much and that because we are so emotional and "heart on sleve" that people find it difficult to relate.

    As for the pain - i unfortunatly have taken to self harming. the other night i took the further step on that road and used a razor blade... i know where this will take me but it stops the mess in my head buzzing for a while.

    pm me if you want to talk.

    Moogue
     
  7. dink

    dink Well-Known Member

    I still can't get a hold of the one that told me that I need her permission to kill myself. It is like she has just written me off. I don't get it. How is it that someone can be there for you and all of the sudden drop you like a hot potato? SHe was a friend to me and I tried to be the best friend to her that I could. Even after not knowing her for very long. I was in a bad place and she tried to help me out of it. I did the things that she told me to do...ie...get help for my depression and so on. I did that even though it didn't help and now she has given up on me. Just like everyone does eventually.
     
  8. Moogue13

    Moogue13 Guest

    Dink

    People who don't understand (i.e been through it and lived it) depression find it very difficult to be close to someone that they care about that is hell bent on destroying themselves, as ti hurts them and they feel that despite their efforts to help and care they think they are just making the situation worse.

    As for help with your depression I think that you should go back to the quack because if the pills aren't working you need to tell you Dr so that they can either up the dosage or change the anti-depressant. Remember though that anti depressants take a while to work, they are not an instant fix... it is for this reason that people turn to drink as in the short term it makes everything seem better (for a while) but then we have that one drink too many and end up even more depressed!

    Get thee back to the quack, ask for counselling also - or a CPN to help you. It is unfair to rely on friends as your sole support as everyone has problems in their lives and they are not equipt to be able to deal and detatch, they equally do not understand.

    Just keep smiling - go out for a long walk and look at the beauty and let the wind blow the cobwebs out.

    XX

    Moogue
     
  9. ministeve

    ministeve Member

    I'm Hoping this finds you in a better mood, I'm hoping you friend has called you back by now... Sometimes it takes a little while for them to get over the initial shock. also realize that anger is a natural reaction to this, so if they don't call you back very soon, be patient, everything good takes time. remember that everyone loves you, they just show it in different ways. and will all react differently than we expect.

    If you need someone to listen to you we are all here...
    SK
     
  10. dink

    dink Well-Known Member

    I want to cry. I feel so weak. I can't take the sh*t any more. I have tried to help myself out of this, but I don't have the strength to do it anymore. I don't have the strenght to do anything. Everything that I touch tuns to sh*t. So, I stay at home and try to hie away from the things out there. I know that isolating isn't the best answer. I know that I should try to reach out and find my way again, I just feel so d*mn lost. I wish that there was a map of how to live life. I can't even pull over and ask for directions. I have been standing up appointments and living (if you can call it that) here in my apartment so cold and alone. Does anyone else notice that when the seasons change they change with them. I go from ok in the summer to daed in the winter. I fall to the ground like the shrivled leaf from the mighty oak. Withered brown and dead. Lying crumpled on the forest floor. There is no new growth...no new birth into the next life. I am there for fetilizer. Dried up useless. Having no point to keep up the falseness of my existance.

    I feel like I am living a lie...a giant lie. Things that should make me happy just bring me down. I wish that there was a way to pinpoint where my life went so horribly wrong. Being broken and out of date to new parts. I know that my time should be up. I know that I shouldn't care, I really wish that I didn't. It always seems that others want my help , yet when I am down and out they run from me as though I have the plague. Am I contagious? Will they suffer the same fate if they care? Am I poison?

    My birthday is coming up soon and I hate it. I am always very depressed when it rolls around. Not just because of my age, but the fact that another stupid year has come and gone. I have done nothing. When you wish that you were never born the fact that another birthday comes and goes makes you hate things even more. I wish that I were never born. I wish that I could just wink out and find the peace that I desire. I just want things to end. To be free. To float among the clouds with out having to care. When we die what really happens? I know that eveyone believes differently. I do believe in haeven and hell and hell scares the piss out of me...one of the reasons that I am still here. I am a coward. Nietzsche write...In heaven all of the interesting people are missing.

    Love to all that are going through this thing that we call life.
     
  11. ministeve

    ministeve Member

    I know how you feel, I know that lost sense of direction. I also know how people tend to turn away when you mention your problems to them, Sometimes its because they have problems of their own that they need to deal with... not that they just don't care.

    On the other hand... I do know that there are alot of selfish people out there. ones that are friends untill they hear the word no. it would be rediculus of me to ignore that fact, but there are a lot of good people out there.

    Smileing for everyone is not the answer, only smile for yourself...
    SK
     
  12. Candy

    Candy Member

    i know how you feel because i feel the same way. i dont think it would bother anyone if i wasnt here. well maybe they would act it but not feel it truely. my kids would but at times i feel that they would be better in the end. if you need anything please contact me ok..
     
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