Someone told me a few weeks ago that I needed her permission to kill myself. Now she won't talk to me. Should I take that as a sign? I am in so much internal pain. I just want my suffering to end. I know that I say that I don't know what t do and I really don't. It is hard always wanting to die.It is even harder not wanting to live. Both seem to be oxymorons of each other. I don't know why I drive everyone in my life to hate me. But it certainly seems to be the case. I want to get so much off of my chest...but I really don't know exactly what I am feeling. Sad, depressed, suicidal...yes...but my true feelings a hidden even from me. It sometimes scares me to feel. I have a hard time differentiating feelings from the things that are real. Because to me feelings control me. I don't control them. One of the things that I tend to say a lot is..."means , method, and motivation. I have all three. I just want the pain to go away. I don't rmrmber the last time that I was happy. My phone rings and I don't want to answer it because I can't deal with the world's problems right now. I am the one that is always in charge of fixing everyone else. I can't fix myself. I know that I need help but I no longer know where to turn to get it. I start to wonder if there is anything that can help me. I feel hopeless and helpless to control my own destination. Sometimes I rattle off at the mouth and don't even really know what I am saying. It is sort of like word association. When I ramble I just hope that something that comes out makes a little bit of sense.